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Post  Admin on Thu 13 Aug 2020, 8:12 pm

Traffic Court
                             
Recently in Traffic Court, a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the man to park there.
 
The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would.
 
The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer again, tell him he owes you 57 dollars. Next..." 

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Post  Admin on Sat 18 Jul 2020, 8:27 pm

Barbie, a waitress, decided to put her matchmaking skills to the test with our mutual friend Mike. She figured that Sandy, another customer who seemed to have much in common with Mike, would be an ideal date.

One day Mike came into the restaurant when Sandy was also there. Barbie dragged Mike over to Sandy's table and introduced the two. Then she watched, in amazement, as Mike put his arm around the young woman and said in a low voice, "Hellooooh, Sandy." 

"You guys know each other?" Barbie asked. 

"We sure do," said Mike. "She's my sister." 

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Post  Admin on Wed 01 Jul 2020, 11:37 am

HUMOR 


When he saw how astronomically high his latest phone bill was, the head of the house called a family meeting. "This is unacceptable," said the father. "You have to limit the use of the phone. I never use this phone, I always use the one at the office." 
 
The mother said: "Same here, I hardly ever use the home phone, because I use my work phone."
 
The son said: "Me, too. I never use the home phone. I always use the company's mobile."
 
"So what is the problem?" asked the housekeeper. "We all use our work telephones." 
 
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Post  Admin on Wed 17 Jun 2020, 11:17 pm

Jumping

Our five-year-old grandson, Rhys, launched himself off the end of neighbor's porch. This resulted in a split forehead, a fractured left arm and bruises on his stomach and both of his knees. 

After returning from the hospital emergency room, his mom asked him what he had learned about jumping off porches. 
 
"I can't do it again," Rhys replied, "until the cast comes off."

-------------------

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Post  Admin on Wed 17 Jun 2020, 11:10 pm

HUMOR 

Playing Ball

A five-year-old boy surprised his father one day by saying, "I guess I'll go outdoors and play ball with God." 
 
"Tell me, how do you play ball with God?" asked the father. 
 
"Oh, it's not hard at all," said the boy. "I just throw the ball up and God throws it back down to me."
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Post  Admin on Fri 22 May 2020, 9:09 pm

HUMOR

Tying Shoes

Conversation with Anna, 6, who is struggling with her attempts to learn how to tie her shoes: 
 
Anna: I give up. I’m never going to learn how to do this. 
 
Amy: Yes, you will learn. You just have to practice. 
 
Anna: Nope … I’m never going to learn it. Not even when I am a grown-up. 
 
Amy: Then who will tie the shoes of your kids when you are all grown up and a Mommy? 
 
Anna: Their dad will just have to do it. 
 
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Post  Admin on Wed 13 May 2020, 8:24 pm

May 12, 2020
                                     
  HUMOR

Grounded

Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. 
 
After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport. 
 
"How come?," his nephew asked. "My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained. 
 
"Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents." 

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Post  Admin on Fri 01 May 2020, 1:30 pm

HUMOR

Onions

The minister brought his 4 year old daughter to bed and asked what she would like to pray about.

Promptly she answered, "Onions."

So they prayed about onions.

The next morning, the Reverend asked her why she wanted to pray about onions. 

"Because you said in your sermon Sunday that we should pray for things we don't like." 

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Post  Admin on Tue 21 Apr 2020, 11:35 pm

Helpful Book

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?” 

The woman replied – “My husband’s check book!”

----------------------------------------------------------

Record Store Miscall

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
 
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
 
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
 
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
 
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Post  Admin on Wed 15 Apr 2020, 12:34 pm

Cheap Aid
 
Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.
 
"How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson.
 
"That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."
 
"Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser.
 
The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" asked Morris.

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"
 
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Post  Admin on Fri 28 Feb 2020, 6:45 pm

February 29, 2020
 

HUMOR
 
Bee in a Bus
 
A bee flew into the bus and began buzzing menacingly against the window next to me and the man seated ahead of me. For several unnerving minutes I debated what I should do until my fellow passenger decided to dispatch the insect with the paperback book he'd been reading. After several unsuccessful swats, one blow hit its mark. 

"I'm glad you got it," I told the man.
 
He smiled sheepishly as he showed me the title of the book he had used: “Random Acts of Kindness”. 
 
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Post  Admin on Sat 25 Jan 2020, 11:38 pm

HUMOR

Single

On our way to the ski hill, my friend's children decided to "find me a man" by the end of the day. The kids did their best to let it be known I was unmarried and to introduce me to anyone who was skiing alone and therefore, in their minds, single. To my great relief they finally got bored with their mission and charged off on their own.

I then made my way to the chair lift. As I moved near the front of the line, a gentleman close to my age said "Excuse me, but are you single?"

Groaning inwardly, I said, "Yes, but despite what you may have heard, I'm really not looking to get married."

He looked at me oddly. "All I want is someone to share the chair lift with." 

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Post  Admin on Fri 13 Dec 2019, 11:09 pm

December 12, 2019


HUMOR

Christmas Shopping

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?" 

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant. 

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" 

"Before the store opened." 

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Post  Admin on Wed 04 Dec 2019, 4:38 pm

December 4, 2019

HUMOR

You Better Be Good

Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.
 
Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when children fight. This had little impact.
 
"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really Sarah's aunt; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.
 
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.
Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, dear?"
In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister this year."

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Post  Admin on Thu 28 Nov 2019, 9:16 pm

HUMOR

Pilgrim Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. 

Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers." 
 
"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "So why is their dad carrying that rifle?" 

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Post  Admin on Thu 14 Nov 2019, 10:44 am

November 13, 2019
 
HUMOR

Small Town Emergency

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked. "Both!" was the reply.
 
"We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

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Post  Admin on Thu 07 Nov 2019, 6:22 pm

HUMOR

My Forgetter

My forgetter's getting better
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say, "What am I here for?"
I rack my brain, but all in vain
A zero is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

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Post  Admin on Wed 30 Oct 2019, 12:37 pm

October 30, 2019
 
HUMOR

License Picture
 
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. 
 
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man: "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

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Post  Admin on Thu 17 Oct 2019, 8:04 pm

HUMOR

Vice-President Pride 

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!" 

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. 
A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?" 

The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?" 

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Post  Admin on Wed 09 Oct 2019, 10:23 pm

HUMOR


Army Soup


One day in the army I was assigned KP (kitchen) duty. I reported to the Mess Hall and was told by the sergeant in charge that he wanted me to make 100 gallons of soup for tonight's dinner. I told him I didn't know how to make soup. He quickly handed me a book and told me to follow the directions carefully.


Soon after I had a large kettle of soup simmering. The sergeant came up and tasted the soup. He took a second spoonful and stood there staring at me. I thought I had really messed up the soup and was waiting for a reprimand. Instead the sergeant said, "This tastes really good...are you sure you followed the recipe?" 


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Post  Admin on Wed 18 Sep 2019, 9:59 pm

September 18, 2019                                                      
 
HUMOR

IMPORTANT DATES

Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on.

I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced. 
"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked. 

"Have you tried a wife?" he replied. 

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Post  Admin on Thu 12 Sep 2019, 1:28 pm

HUMOR
 
Dogs and Computers – Same or Different
 
Favorite Food
    Dogs: kibbles
    Computers: bits
Method used to end undesirable behavior
    Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper
    Computers: hit control-alt-delete
After destruction of personal property
   Dogs: dog not found
   Computers: file not found
Favorite trick
    Dogs: roll over
    Computers: play dead
Fun way to mess with their heads
    Dogs: peanut butter on roof of mouth
    Computers: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive
Consequence of virus
    Dogs: replace valuable carpeting
    Computers: replace valuable data
Waste disposal tool
    Dogs: pooper-scooper
    Computers: CCleaner
Sensitive internal procedures
    Dogs: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional
    Computers: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed one kind of like this
            once
Method of marking territory
    Dogs: lifting leg
    Computers: "Designed for Windows"
Unique behavior
    Dogs: lick and drag
    Computers: click-and-drag
Inexplicable physical feature
    Dogs: declaw
    Computers: scroll lock key
Estimated life
    Dogs: 12 years
    Computers: 12 months
 
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Post  Admin on Wed 04 Sep 2019, 9:12 pm

September 4, 2019
 
 
HUMOR

The New Preacher
With sermon preparations and anxiety, the new preacher had gotten very little sleep the week before he was to address his flock for the first time; so by Sunday morning, he was both exhausted and extremely nervous. Nevertheless, he managed to make it up the few steps onto the platform and into the pulpit.

However, he had barely begun his presentation when everything he had planned to say flew right out of his mind. In fact, his mind went totally blank. Then he remembered that in seminary they had taught him what to do if a situation like this ever arose: "Repeat your last point, and let it remind you of what's coming next." 

Figuring this advice couldn't hurt, he recalled the very last thing he'd said, and repeated it: "Behold," he quoted, "I come quickly." Still his mind was blank. He thought he'd better try it again: "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing. 

He tried it one more time - but in his panic, he pronounced the words with such force that he lost his balance, fell forward, knocked the pulpit to one side, tripped over a flower arrangement, and fell into the lap of a little old lady in the front row. Flustered and embarrassed, he picked himself up, apologized profusely, and started to explain what had just happened. 

"That's all right, young man," said the little old lady kindly. "It was my fault, really. You told me three times you were on your way down here. I should have just gotten out of your way!"

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Post  Admin on Wed 28 Aug 2019, 11:13 am

August 28, 2019
 
 
HUMOR
 
Moving Smith
 
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. 
 
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
 
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
 
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
 
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Post  Admin on Wed 21 Aug 2019, 12:58 pm

August 21, 2019
 
HUMOR
 
Sermon
 
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.
 
About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!" 
 
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