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Post  Admin on Sun 02 Feb 2014, 6:40 pm

On the Lighter Side

An elderly woman walked into the local country church.
The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped
her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to
sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said.
"The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No," he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," she said.

"Good," he answered.

  Source: Mickey's Funnies. To subscribe go to: 
  http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/.

 On the Lighter Side

Kindly adult: "How old are you, little man?"

Shy child: (silently holds up 4 fingers)

Kindly adult: "Four years old! And when will you be
five?"

Shy child: "When I hold up the other finger." 

Source: Mickey's Funnies. To subscribe go to:
http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/
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Post  Admin on Mon 20 Jan 2014, 9:32 pm

Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden."

Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have
any worries or troubles."

Girl: "Well that's just because you're not married
yet."

  Source: Mickey's Funnies, www.mikeysFunnies.com
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Post  Admin on Fri 17 Jan 2014, 10:11 pm

Preacher and Cab Driver
 
A preacher dies, and when he gets to heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."

The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"

The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."

The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"

…..Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Thu 16 Jan 2014, 12:20 pm

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

The Math Exam
Technical/engineering schools such as MIT and Cal Poly pride themselves on their excellence in teaching mathematical skills. They only got into trouble once in a beginning calculus course in which there was a Friday night exam.

It seems that many of the students thought they knew the material so well that they drank beer all afternoon before the exam. By the bad grades on their exams, they learned that alcohol and differential calculus don't mix.

By now, most everyone knows, you should never drink and derive.

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. 
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...
But that's not the worst of it. 

My headlights are out of focus, 
And it's especially hard to see things up close. 

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. 

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. 

But here's the worst of it.

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,

Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires!
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Post  Admin on Sun 12 Jan 2014, 10:19 pm

On the Lighter Side

A woman once called the police station to report a
skunk in her cellar. She was told to make a trail of
bread crumbs from the basement to the yard--then wait
for the skunk to follow it out of the basement. A while
later the woman called again and reported that she had
done as she was told, and now she had two skunks in her
basement.
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Post  Admin on Sun 12 Jan 2014, 11:17 am

In all honesty, I didn't really find this all that funny but it was clever:

Subject: Fw: How The Internet Started According To The Bible

How the internet started according to the Bible In ancient Israel , it came
to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a
healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder and long
of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from...
town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy
tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of
a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between
to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling
you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery
made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the
goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. 
It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a
language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly
take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican
Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who
bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to
be made that would work only with Brother Gates' 
drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be
known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO, " said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham' s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid
(GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around
the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything
(GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.

"I can Do all Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me." Phillippians 4:13.
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Post  Admin on Mon 06 Jan 2014, 8:22 pm

Young and Foolish
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.
This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"
 
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"
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Post  Admin on Thu 02 Jan 2014, 7:47 pm

Diet to Start the New Year

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day. I have found that this really works!!

BREAKFAST
* 1 Grapefruit
* 1 slice whole-wheat toast
* 1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
* 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
* 1 cup herbal tea
* 1 Penguin Biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA
* The rest of the Penguins from the packet
* 1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER
* 4 bottles of wine (red or white)
* 2 loaves garlic bread
* 1 family size Supreme pizza
* 3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
* 1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)Stressed - Deserts

FINALLY REMEMBER:

"Stressed" spelled backwards is desserts".
Send this to four women and you will lose 2 kilograms.
Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew) and you will lose 10 kilograms.
IF you delete this message you will gain 10 kilograms.

AND
A New Year's Wish

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

-----
Dieting - New Year Resolutions

2010: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2011: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2012: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2013: I will work out 3 days a week.

2014: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
------
Short Santa Funnies

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!

Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition.
Now thats what you call pot luck!


What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday ?
Freeze a jolly good fellow ! 

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?
Santapplause ! 

Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar
Santa drives a rusty car
Press the starter
Press the choke
Off he goes in a cloud of smoke ! 

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?
Santa Jaws ! 

Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe ! 

Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?
Because they both have "Sandy claws" ! 

What does Father Christmas call his money ?
Iced lolly ? 

What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ?
Santa pause !

-------------------
Enter the Pearly Gates

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. 

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. 

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" 

Answer... "They're Carol's."

-----------------------
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

Christmas Present
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" 

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

-------------------------
Question and Answer Christmas Jokes

Q: What do elves learn in school?
Christmas Present
A: The Elf-abet!

Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: "I don't like sprouts" !

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? 
A: Missletoe! 

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? 
A: Frostbite. 

Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? 
A: Because he had low elf esteem. 

Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens? 
A: So he can ho-ho-ho. 

Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll. 

Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? 
A: Ribbon hood. 

Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
A: Because it's to far to walk.

Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A: Forty feet of track - all straight! 

Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.

Q: How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?
A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.

Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? 
A: Sandy Claus!

Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? 
A: Fleece Navidad!

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.

Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? 
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.

Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
A: We'll have a boo Christmas without you. 

Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A: Okay everyone, sack time!!

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? 
A: Snowflakes. 

Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? 
A: A subordinate claus.

Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.

Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E? 
A: Because the angel had said, "No L!"

Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh? 
A: Santa caught in a revolving door! 

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it " soots " him!

Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney? 
A: Pour Santa flush on him. 

Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? 
A: Claustrophobic.

Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.

Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

Q: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet of handkerchiefs for Christmas?Q: Olive ?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Q: Olive?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A: It was wound up already.

Q: What's a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
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Post  Admin on Thu 02 Jan 2014, 2:29 pm

A couple's lawn mower was broken, and the wife kept hinting to her husband that he should get it repaired.  But the message never sunk in.  She finally thought of a way to make her point.

One day the husband arrived home to find her seated in the grass busily snipping away with a pair of scissors.  He watched silently for a short time, and then went into the house.

He returned a few moments later, handed her a toothbrush and said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say he should be able to walk again, but always have the limp.
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Post  Admin on Sun 29 Dec 2013, 12:27 pm

Quick Jokes 
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man
sitting up in bed. 

"Well, I went down to the amusement park this weekend and decided to take a
ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I
noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it
was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided
to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the
sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a
third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better
view." 

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes." 

"What did it say?" 
"Don' t stand up in the car!" 


-------- AND
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona
when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the
trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if
she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the
car. 

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with
the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking at everything she
saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat
next to Sally. 

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. 
Sally looked down at the bag and, smiling, said, "It' s a box of chocolates.
I got it for my husband." 

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with
the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade." 

by way of Dean Masters List
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Post  Admin on Fri 27 Dec 2013, 9:36 pm

On the Lighter Side

The celebrated pianist Arthur Rubinstein often wondered
if he gave a concert in disguise what kind of critical
reception he would get. Eventually, he tried a concert
under an assumed name and a beard. Critics' verdict:
The bearded wonder wasn't in a class with the great
Rubinstein. - John McCarthy (Cited in Bits & Pieces).

Remember: "Those who laugh ... last!"

On the Lighter Side

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while
healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front? 

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke? 

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters? 

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our
driveways and put our useless junk in the garage? 

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word? 

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do
'practice'? 

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and
dish washing liquid made with real lemons? 

Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker? 

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
rush hour? 

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together?
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Post  Admin on Sat 14 Dec 2013, 12:47 pm


Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE! AND AN XBOX 360! AND I PRAY FOR THE NEW IRON MAN COMIC BOOK!"

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

…..Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Thu 21 Nov 2013, 10:53 pm

On the Lighter Side 

A lawyer phoned the governor's mansion shortly after
midnight. "I need to talk to the governor. It's an
emergency!" exclaimed the lawyer. 

After some cajoling, the governor's assistant agreed to
wake him up. "So, what is it that's so important that
it can't wait until morning?" grumbled the governor. 

"Judge Jones just died, and I want to take his place,"
begged the attorney. 

"Well, it's okay with me if it's okay with the funeral
home," replied the governor. 

  Source: Mickey's Funnies, www.mikeysFunnies.com.
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Post  Admin on Mon 18 Nov 2013, 5:27 pm

You can get the tissues for this but it will be for laughter.

Two Hilarious Comedians Teach Us the Importance of Communication
Tags: comedy, funny, music


Barnes & Miner perform their hilarious advice song, How Couples Really Communicate.
 If you've been married, you know this is SO true. Too funny!



[url=http://www.godvine.com/Two-Hilarious-Comedians-Teach-Us-the-Importance-of-Communication-4261.html?utm_source=GodVine daily&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=11/18/2013]http://www.godvine.com/Two-Hilarious-Comedians-Teach-Us-the-Importance-of-Communication-4261.html?utm_source=GodVine%20Daily&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=11/18/2013[/url]
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Post  Admin on Sun 10 Nov 2013, 10:44 pm

On the Lighter Side

Father O'Malley answers the church phone: "Hello, is
this Father O'Malley?"

"It is!"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can!"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do!"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is!"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will."

  Copyright 2013 Mike Atkinson, www.mikeysFunnies.com
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Post  Admin on Wed 06 Nov 2013, 7:12 pm

HUMOR
 
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a major fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. 


"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. 


Sure enough, when he arrived at the small rural airport, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!"  The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. 


"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." 


"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. 


After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"


…..Mikey’s Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com) by way of  “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Sun 27 Oct 2013, 5:35 pm

On the Lighter Side 

This has got to be one of the best singles ads ever
printed. It appeared in the Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity
unimportant.

I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love
long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck,
hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights
lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your
hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond.

I'll be at the front door when you get home from work,
wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm
yours.

Call (404) 875-XXXX and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta
Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador
retriever. Razz
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Post  Admin on Wed 23 Oct 2013, 9:55 pm

Drive

A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church.  After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination. 

When the mother got out of the car she said emphatically, "Thank you!"

"Anytime," her daughter replied with a smile. 

As her mother headed for the church door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking 
to God."
 
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Tue 15 Oct 2013, 10:48 pm

Weather Forecaster

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time,
especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely, the CAT:cat: 
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Post  Admin on Tue 08 Oct 2013, 1:25 pm

On the Lighter Side

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of
it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the
cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway
when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away
but the same thing happened. He kept on increasing the
number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before
him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn
right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and
another right and so on until he reached what he
thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked
her, "Jen is the cat there?" 

"Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.

Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I
am lost and I need directions."

  -- Cited on Monday Fodder
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Post  Admin on Tue 08 Oct 2013, 1:24 pm

Picnic
 At a family picnic, my aunt was admonishing her six-year-old son to wash his hands before eating.  He protested that they weren't dirty, though after a few minutes of complaining, the boy finally did go and wash them.

Later, while they stood in line for the condiments to add to their hamburgers, the boy dropped his food on the grass. He stood whimpering at his mother's side until she said: "Oh, pick it up. A little dirt never hurt anyone."

…..from Da Mouse Tracks by way of Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com)
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Post  Admin on Wed 02 Oct 2013, 7:47 pm

ARAPROSDOKIANS:
(Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
 
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
3. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
4. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
5. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
6. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station
7. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put DOCTOR.
8. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
9. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
10. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
11. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
12. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
13. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
14. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
15. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
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Post  Admin on Tue 01 Oct 2013, 9:38 pm

On the Lighter Side 

Australian Field Mice: While on a business trip to
Australia, a Texan rancher befriends an Australian
rancher. The Australian invites the Texan to his ranch
and points to an enormous wheat field and tells the
Texan that this is his field.

The Texan acts unimpressed and says, "In Texas our
small wheat fields are twice that size."

The Australian then takes the Texan to his house and
points to his herd of large, healthy cattle. The Texan
asks the Australian if these are calves and explains
that Texan cattle are much larger.

The Texan continues to explain how things are just
bigger and better in Texas. As he continues his
boasting, some kangaroos go hopping across the field.
The Texan stops bragging and asks, "What are those
monstrous creatures that just went by?"

The Australian takes full opportunity of the moment and
answers, "Oh, those things? They're just a few field
mice."

And after a dramatic pause says, "But don't worry,
mate, our cats will take care of them!"

  -- Author Unknown, cited in Parables, Etc.
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Post  Admin on Sat 14 Sep 2013, 8:26 pm

On the Lighter Side 

Prayers from Children: 

Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas
and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. --
Amanda 

Dear God, thank you for the baby brother but what I
asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything
before. You can look it up. -- Joyce 

Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for
people to come apart; I had to have three stitches and
a shot. -- Janet 

God, I read the Bible. What does beget mean? Nobody
will tell me. -- Love Alison 

Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you?
-- Charlene 

Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if
he uses his golf words in the house? -- Anita 

Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of
everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people
in our family and I can never do it. -- Nancy 

Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all
of them. You really made up some good ones. I like
walking on water, too. -- Glenn 

Dear God, my grandpa says you were around when he was a
little boy. How far back do you go? -- Love, Dennis 

Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries?
If you don't, who does? -- Nathan 

  From Mickey's Funnies, www.mikeysFunnies.com
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Post  Admin on Sat 07 Sep 2013, 10:29 pm

On the Lighter Side 
A little boy was riding his tricycle furiously around
the block, over and over again. Finally a policeman
stopped and asked him why he was going around and
around. The boy said that he was running away from
home. 

The policeman asked why he kept going around the block.
The boy responded, "Because my mom said that I'm not
allowed to cross the street."

  -- Michael Green, 
    "Illustrations for Biblical Preaching"
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