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Post  Admin Sun 29 Jul 2012, 8:38 am

On the Lighter Side
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old
family Bible to her brother in another part of the
country.



"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the
postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.study
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Post  Admin Tue 24 Jul 2012, 9:44 pm

When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place.



"It's terrific," he said.

"I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room.

But poor Mom is still in with Dad."
geek

ANOTHER GROANER

A father and son saw a fisherman standing waist-deep in the water, repeatedly casting a net into the surging tide, but it seemed that every time he pulled it in, the net was empty.

"Look how hard he works to support his family," the Dad observed. "We can learn a lot from his perseverance."

"Aw, Dad," quipped his computer-savvy son, "he isn't working; he's just netting the surf!" jocolor
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Post  Admin Sun 08 Jul 2012, 9:19 pm

My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.



"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable.Laughing "
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Post  Admin Thu 05 Jul 2012, 9:51 am

Groaner Time Again
An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any
experience shoeing horses...

He said no, but he once told a donkey to Get Lost. clown

INSURANCE FORMS:affraid:
Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident:

Question: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? Answer: I could have traveled by bus.

A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows:

Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn

Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo

Texas Farmer in Australia
A Texas farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and starts talking with him. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field, and the Texan says, "Oh! We got us wheat fields in Texas that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We got us longhorns in Texas that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has really gone south when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what the heck are those critters?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?!!?" cheers
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Post  Admin Fri 29 Jun 2012, 11:49 pm

And God promised men

that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.


Then He made the earth round....and laughed and laughed and laughed... Laughing

AND

The little girl was sitting in her father's lap as he read her a goodnight story.

From time to time, she would take her eye's off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. By and by she was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.

Finally she spoke, "Daddy, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart" he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh she said," then "Daddy, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed honey" he assured her. "God made you just a little while ago."

"Oh" she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it now, isn't he?"queen
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Post  Admin Sat 23 Jun 2012, 2:19 pm

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.



The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."

"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.

"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."
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Post  Admin Fri 22 Jun 2012, 12:58 pm

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.



"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh, no..." says the knight. "Well, you do now."No
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Post  Admin Wed 20 Jun 2012, 4:03 pm

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a
major fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he
frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

Sure enough, when he arrived at the small rural airport, a plane was warming
up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go!
Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the
air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make
three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a
photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with
great exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the flight
instructor?"
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Post  Admin Mon 18 Jun 2012, 9:43 pm

A woman was bragging about her son, a college student:
"He's so brilliant! Every time we get a letter from
him, we have to go to the dictionary."

"You're lucky," her friend said. "Every time we get a
letter from ours, we have to go to the bank."

Source: Mickey's Funnies, www.mikeysFunnies.com
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Post  Admin Sat 09 Jun 2012, 7:20 pm

Pun-Ography
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

When chemists die, they barium.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

GREAT GROANERS
Tribute to Frank Carson, the famous Northern Irish comedian, who died recently.


· I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

· I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

· I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

· Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

· My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing me bagpipes.

· Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.” Blow that," says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

· I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

· I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

· A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

· I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but come back as a different creature. She said, "I'd like to come back as a cow." I said, "You're obviously not listening."

· The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

· The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

· When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloomin' thing.

· Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

· Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday, but it went off before I could eat it!

· A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices that his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says, "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked."

· Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service!

· A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

· I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

· My daughter asked for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
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Post  Admin Fri 08 Jun 2012, 9:16 am

Children's Logic:



"Give me a sentence about a public
servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The
fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't
you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure", said
the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."geek
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Post  Admin Fri 01 Jun 2012, 10:25 pm

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship, " the wife explained.

"He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts."

"He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening.
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Post  Admin Thu 31 May 2012, 7:55 pm

The Vows
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the minister
with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll
change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where
I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all
others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd
just leave that part out."

He passed the minister the cash and walked away satisfied.

The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to
that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it
comes time for the groom's vows, the minister looks the young
man in the eye and says,

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her
every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning
of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife
that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as
you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice,
"Yes."

The groom leaned toward the minister and hissed,
"I thought we had a deal."

The minister put the $100 into his hand and whispered back,
"She made me a much better offer."

Never Sick
Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation. By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.

Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded.

"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."

"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.

"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.

"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."

…..Docs Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com)

When General Douglas MacArthur retired from the military in 1951, he stated famously, "Old soldiers never die, they just fade away." But five-star generals are not the only ones who never die:

~ Golfers never die, they just lose their drive.

~ Lumberjacks never die, they just pine away.

~ Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.

~ Bank managers don't die, they just lose interest.

~ Vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day.

~ Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off.

~ Musicians never retire, they just decompose.

~ Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down.

~ Old librarians never die, they just check out, become overdue, and lose their circulation.

~ Old mimes never die, they're just never heard from again.

…..Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com)
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Post  Admin Wed 30 May 2012, 10:43 am

When General Douglas MacArthur retired from the military in 1951, he stated famously, "Old soldiers never die, they just fade away." But five-star generals are not the only ones who never die:

~ Golfers never die, they just lose their drive.

~ Lumberjacks never die, they just pine away.

~ Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.

~ Bank managers don't die, they just lose interest.

~ Vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day.

~ Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off.

~ Musicians never retire, they just decompose.

~ Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down.

~ Old librarians never die, they just check out, become overdue, and lose their circulation.

~ Old mimes never die, they're just never heard from again.

…..Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com)

From TEACH
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts..
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
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Post  Admin Mon 28 May 2012, 8:56 pm

A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary.

The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time.

He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!"

Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene.

After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!"

The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!" jocolor
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Post  Admin Thu 24 May 2012, 7:29 pm

After Adam stays out late a few nights, Eve becomes suspicious.

"You're running around with another woman... admit it!" she demands.

"What other woman?" Adam shoots back. "You're it, the only one here!"

That night, Adam is fast asleep when he is awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.

"What the heck are you doing??" Adam asks.

"Counting your ribs."queen


SPCA Rescue
"Hello, hello?" shrilled a spinsterish voice over the phone. "Is this the SPCA?"

"Yes."

"I want you to send somebody over right away."

"What's wrong?"

"There's a horrid magazine salesman sitting in a tree teasing my dog."Rolling Eyes
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Post  Admin Tue 22 May 2012, 10:53 pm

Post by Teach
Hmmmmm I kind of remember this happening at my wedding lol.
At the Irish wedding reception the D.J. yelled.

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death. cheers

Safety Course at the Seniors Centre
-Gladys failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today.

One of the questions was:
"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
"Really' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer. affraid

Measuring
A city slicker came upon two country folk balancing a long piece of lumber vertically on the ground, while a third fellow with a measuring tape climbed up on the lumber.

“What are you doing?”, asked the urbanite. “We are trying to measure this piece of wood,” replied the country cousin.

“Why not lay it down and measure it?,” asked the city fellow.

Nope,” replied the country boy. “That won’t do it! We want the height, not the length!”pale


sighted at Mikey's Funnies"(funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com)

A young woman woke up one morning and told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it, only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
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Post  Admin Mon 21 May 2012, 8:26 pm

No Pets Allowed
Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to drink."

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the restaurant.

The waiter at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The waiter said, "A Doberman pinscher?"

The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The waiter said, "OK then, come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the restaurant. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the waiter said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The waiter said, "A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a Chihuahua??jocolor
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Post  Admin Fri 18 May 2012, 7:54 pm

Baby Scales
A blonde holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if she can use the store’s baby scale.

“Sorry, ma’am,” says the clerk. “Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby’s weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first.”

“Oh, that won’t work,” says the blonde.

“Why not?” asks the clerk.

“Because,” she answers, “I’m not the mother - I’m the aunt.”.Laughing


The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.

"What will you do with it?" my wife asked.

"We burn it" was the answer.

"Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?" asked my wife.

"Certainly not," said the clerk. "This card is official U.S. government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it's destroyed."alien
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Post  Admin Tue 15 May 2012, 11:20 pm

Collateral
I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.

"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.

"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.

"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."Wink

Arrow GROANERS
What does the Momma buffalo say when her baby boy leaves?

Bye son!

---------------------------------------------------------
What's Count Dracula's favorite song?

"Fangs for all the Memories"
----------------------------------------------------------

Why was the cookie so upset?

Because his daddy was a wafer so long.

--------------------------------------------------------

a piece of string walks into a bar.

the bar tender says "Hey you, string! get out of here! we don't serve string in this bar!" so the string walks outside into the alley, ties himself into a knot and frays his ends up as much as he can.

he walks back into the bar.

the bartender says "hey! aren't you that piece of string?!"

the string replies "nope, frayed knot!"
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Post  Admin Mon 14 May 2012, 10:05 pm

study The REAL Three Bears study
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Someone's been eating my porridge!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Someone's been eating my porridge!!" he roars.

Momma Bear pokes her head around the corner from the kitchen and yells, "for Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"

"It was Momma Bear who got up first, woke everyone in the house, made the coffee, unloaded the dishwasher, went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, set the table, put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's dish... and, now that you've decided to drag yourselves downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time..."

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE PORRIDGE YET!!"lol!


"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for my birthday," little Joshua said to his uncle. "It's the best present I ever got." geek

"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"

"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow replied. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night!"lol!
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Post  Admin Fri 11 May 2012, 3:25 pm

An elderly lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.

"Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.

"Yes," he replied.

"Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!"Rolling Eyes
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Post  Admin Wed 09 May 2012, 3:52 pm

The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike.

When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, "What's the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?"

"My sense of humor is fine," he said. "But I don't have to laugh. I'm quitting tomorrow."What a Face


Just Plane Dumb
The military commander had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an impending air strike from the enemy. So, he summoned a corporal. “I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of a military activity.”

The corporal trudged up the mountain. As soon as he crossed the ridge, he saw a squadron of planes heading their way.

“There are many planes coming!” he promptly radioed back.

“Friends or enemies?” the commander demanded urgently.

The corporal again lifted his binoculars to the sky. “They’re flying very closely together, he replied. “I think they must be friends.”Smile .
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Post  Admin Tue 08 May 2012, 10:04 pm

An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his pasture. The Amish man said, "No."

"Legally, that paper says we can." replied the worker.

As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture.

As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish man hollered, "Show HIM your paper!"jocolor lol!
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Post  Admin Sun 06 May 2012, 8:22 pm

On the Lighter Side

A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though
the weather that morning was questionable and clouds
were forming, she made her daily trek to school. As
the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along
with lightning.

The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her
daughter would be frightened as she walked home from
school. She also feared the electrical storm might
harm her child. Full of concern, the mother got into
her car and drove along the route to her child's
school. As she did, she saw her little girl walking
along.

At each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look
up, and smile. More lightning followed quickly and with
each, the little girl would look at the streak of light
and smile.

When the mother drew up beside the child, she lowered
the window and called, "What are you doing?"

The child answered, "I am trying to look pretty
because God keeps taking my picture."

Author unknown. From "Care Capsule," published by
the Crystal Cathedral.
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