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Post  Admin on Mon 01 Aug 2011, 1:10 pm

Psychiatric Confession



Three psychiatrists who are attending a convention decide to take a walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our problems. Since we're all professionals, why don't we hear each other out right now?"

They agree that this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I over-bill patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."



BOOT CAMP

My brother and I arrived at boot camp together. On the first morning, our unit was dragged out of bed by our drill sergeant and made to assemble outside. "My name's Sergeant Jackson," he snarled. "Is there anyone here who thinks he can whip me?"

My six-foot-three, 280-pound brother raised his hand and said, "Yes, sir, I do."

Our sergeant grabbed him by the arm and led him out in front of the group.

"Men," he said, "this is my new assistant. Now, is there anyone here who thinks he can whip both of us?"
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Post  Admin on Sat 30 Jul 2011, 12:35 pm

Chuckles
IT'S SO HOT IN TEXAS THAT...

...the birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

...farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

...the cows are giving evaporated milk.

...you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

...the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

...you discover that it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

...you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

...you notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

...hot water now comes out of both taps.

...it's noon, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.

...you break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.


TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR VBS IS NOT GOING WELL....

10. Your Noah's Ark is pretty much made up of a dog with a wet hacking cough and incontinent cat

9. Church oven, where your Shadrach, Meshach and Abendnego perform suddenly shorts out, catches fire which, ironically, enhances furnace effect

8. Bi-polar puppets keep going off script

7. Joseph's dream coat gets washed with whites, and all angel costumes now a dull red

6. Your Samson tests positive for steroids

5. 40 years in wilderness adventure ruined when Janitor Bob turns on sprinklers early

4. Your burning bush takes out entire neighborhood

3. Biggest draw: "Safari Simon with the Lazy Eye"

2. Neighborhood punks keep tazering your volunteer Pharisees

1. Theme: "God Loves Four Eyes, too"



Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain!
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Post  Admin on Thu 28 Jul 2011, 3:56 pm

DIVORCE versus MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

"I'd like to buy some cyanide.."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist explained, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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Post  Admin on Wed 27 Jul 2011, 8:05 pm

The owner of a manufacturing firm decided to make a surprise tour of the factory. Walking through the warehouse he noticed a young man lazily leaning against a packing crate.

The factory owner angrily said, "Just how much are you being paid?"

The young man replied, "Two hundred and fifty dollars a week."

The owner pulled out his wallet, peeled off five $50 bills and shouted at the young man:

"Here is a week's pay--now get out and don't come back!"

Without a word, the young man stuffed the money into his pocket and left.

The warehouse manager, standing nearby, stared in amazement.

"Tell me," the boss asked him, "How long has that clown worked for us?"

"He didn't work here," replied the warehouse manager,

"He was the Fed-Ex guy delivering a package."
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Post  Admin on Sat 23 Jul 2011, 5:22 pm

A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.

After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.

"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong.

It says, "HORSE for sale."
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Post  Admin on Fri 22 Jul 2011, 11:35 am

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly, and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He didn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Obviously perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah, so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake."

MURDER AT WALMART

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Walmart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave
the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this...)







'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WALMART


Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then post it for you.
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Post  Admin on Wed 20 Jul 2011, 4:32 pm

A Marine Corps drill instructor had just chewed out a new recruit. At the end of his rant, he said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The kid said, "Not me, sir. I promised myself that when I got out of the Marines, I'd never stand in another line."
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Post  Admin on Mon 18 Jul 2011, 3:07 pm

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and I always have to repeat things."

"Well," the doctor replied, "Go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply, move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
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Post  Admin on Fri 15 Jul 2011, 2:53 pm

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"

His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"


Marv took his family to visit a living history museum, which included seeing houses and stores that were more than one hundred years old.

After they entered an old one-room schoolhouse Marv pointed to a desk that had an empty hole for an ink bottle.

"What do you think this hole was for?" he asked his kids.

His twelve-year- old son Martin replied, "It's a Coke can holder."


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Post  Admin on Tue 12 Jul 2011, 9:36 am

The following have been taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds. ...

A grandmother is a lady who has no little children of her own. She likes other people's.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandmothers don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandmothers don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like, "Why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?"

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
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Post  Admin on Fri 08 Jul 2011, 6:08 pm

A goober holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if she can use the store's baby scale.

"Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first."
"Oh, that won't work," says the goober.
"Why not?" asks the clerk.
"Because," she answers, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt."
cyclops
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Post  Admin on Thu 07 Jul 2011, 3:15 pm

Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 50 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.

He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room!"
lol!
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Post  Admin on Tue 05 Jul 2011, 3:50 pm

One the first day of school, the teacher advises the class that each school day starts with the Pledge of Allegiance and instructs them to put their right hand over their heart and repeat after her.

As she starts the recitation she looks around the room, "I pledge allegiance to the flag.." when her eyes are drawn to Andy who has his hand over the right cheek of his bottom.

"Andy, I cannot continue till you put your hand over your heart," she demands.

Andy looks up and replies, "It is over my heart."

After several more attempts to get Andy to put his hand over his heart, the teacher inquires, "Why do you think that is your heart, Andy?"

"Well Miss," answers Andy, "because every time my Grandma comes to visit she pats me there and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma never lies."
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Post  Admin on Tue 28 Jun 2011, 1:26 pm

Actual Ads In US Newspapers.. ..


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little dog.
Bites! alien

FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. alien

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. alien

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! pale
Must sell washer and dryer $100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie. jocolor

**** And the WINNER is **** cheers
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. study
Excellent condition, $200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything..
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Post  Admin on Fri 24 Jun 2011, 4:09 pm

A new building was opening, and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card. It said, "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with the note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"
Very Happy
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Post  Admin on Thu 16 Jun 2011, 3:21 pm

GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE

"Good morning, at present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep.. beeeeeppp ....

If you are one of our children, press 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2.


If you want to borrow the car, press 3.
I
f you want us to wash your clothes and do your ironing, press 4.

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5.

If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6.

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7.

If you want to come to eat here, press 8.

If you need money, dial 9.

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or take us to the theater, start talking - we are listening!"
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Post  Admin on Mon 13 Jun 2011, 11:52 am

Excuses to give your teacher when you don't do your homework.... - I didn't do my history homework because I don't believe in dwelling on the past.
- I didn't want the other kids in the class to look bad.
- A sudden gust of wind blew my homework out of my hand and I never saw it again.
- Another pupil fell in a lake and I jumped in to rescue him. Unfortunately, my homework drowned.
- Our furnace broke and we had to burn my homework to keep ourselves from freezing.
- I'm not at liberty to say why.
- I wanted to frame the detention letter you're about to give me.
- It was destroyed in a freak accident involving a hippo, a toaster, and a bag of frozen peas. You don't want to know the details.
- I have a solar-powered calculator, and it was cloudy.
- I made a paper plane out of it and it got hijacked.
- My mom used it as a dryer sheet.
- My agent won't allow me to publish my homework until the movie deal is finalized.
- It's against my religion to do any homework.
- I was abducted by green-skinned, three-eyed, pig-snouted space aliens, and they incinerated my homework with their death rays.
- I felt it wasn't challenging enough.
- My parents were sick and unable to do my homework last night. Don't worry, they have been suitably punished.
- We had homework?!
- I see your lips moving, but all I am hearing is "blah, blah, blah."
- I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.
- I spent the night at a rally supporting higher pay for our hard-working teachers.
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Post  Admin on Sun 12 Jun 2011, 7:41 pm


I finally figured out why I am so "full-figured" !
As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock!

The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?

Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap! It says right on the bottle, "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".

It pays to read the warning labels my friends
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Post  Admin on Sat 11 Jun 2011, 4:22 pm

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They held up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"
pale
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Post  Admin on Fri 10 Jun 2011, 1:46 pm


HOW DRY IS IT IN TEXAS?
It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling,

the Methodists are using wet-wipes,

the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks,

and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

Now that's dry!
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Post  Admin on Thu 02 Jun 2011, 2:56 pm

Pastor Jim was called to pastor a large Southern Baptist Church in San Antonio, Texas. He had been pastoring a middle sized church in Minnesota and arrived on a Monday in San Antonio. He was greeted warmly and moved into the parsonage and his first official meeting was on Tuesday evening with his deacons.

"Brothers, I am interested in getting to know you and request your help in doing this by meeting here at the church Saturday morning at 8:00. While in Minnesota, I learned to enjoy bungee jumping and I felt it would be nice to fellowship down at that high bridge over the Medina River. I will make a jump and show you how it's done and perhaps you may like to try it also."

Saturday morning the deacons were all at the church and got into the church van and headed to the Medina River. Once they arrived, the group went to the bridge and observed a Mexican American family having a reunion below. At that Pastor Jim said, "I don't think it will be a real problem, I know the stretch on the cord and I will tie it off so we won't disturb that family."

Pastor Jim tied off the cord, put on his harness and climbed to the top of the hand rail, and with that he jumped. bounce As he got close to the bottom a huge cloud of dust arose with a bunch of gleeful laughter and shouts. Suddenly he arose and yelled, "HELP!!" affraid The deacons reached out for him but missed. Again Pastor Jim went down and again a huge cloud of dust, laughter, cheers and screams arose. As Pastor Jim came back up, all eight deacons reached out and grabbed him.

When he stood once again firmly on the bridge he asked, "Guys, what is a Pinata"? lol!
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Post  Admin on Wed 01 Jun 2011, 12:52 pm

I've seen this chuckle before but thought worth passing on.

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with an unique problem:

A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
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Post  Admin on Tue 31 May 2011, 2:15 pm

Helping his wife wash the dishes,

a minister protested, This isn't a man's job!.

Oh yes, it is, his wife retorted, quoting 2 Kings 21:13:
I will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it, and turning it upside down.

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain!
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Post  Admin on Tue 24 May 2011, 9:06 am

CHUCKLE
A woman gets pulled over by a police officer and....
Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."
Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one?"
Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drunk driving."
Officer: "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please."
Woman: "I can't do that."
Officer: "Why not?"
Woman: "I stole this car."
Officer: "Stole it?"
Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what?"
Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: "Is there a problem, sir?"
Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Woman: "Murdered the owner?"
Officer 2: "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. "
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"
Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers."
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver's license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Woman: "Bet he told you I was speeding too. Suspect
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Post  Admin on Sun 22 May 2011, 1:58 pm

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" Mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"
Source: Mickey's Funnies, www.mikeysFunnies.com.

+++++++++++++++++++++++
Beth Vorhees of public TV fame said her daughter, Diana, a third-grader, was to give a demonstration speech at school. She planned to demonstrate how to make "Flies on a Log," which consists of peanut butter spread on a stalk of celery with raisins on it.
The morning of her speech, Diana took out everything she needed and put it on the kitchen counter, ready to take it to school. Unfortunately, when the girl and her mother left for school, they forgot to take the items.
Diana's mother dropped her off and went home to get the stuff.
The celery was gone. The raisins were gone. The peanut butter had been put away.
"Oh," said Diana's father. "I had that stuff for breakfast."
Beth rushed to gather up more ingredients and hurry them to school, with an apology to the teacher and an explanation of what happened.
"Gee," said Diana's teacher, "that's a first -- 'My dad ate my homework.'"
…..Teddi’s Humor (redactatrix@gmail.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (www.ChristianVoicesWorldwide.net)
+++++++++++++++++++++++
Two guys were working for city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

+++++++++++++++++++++++
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
+++++++++++++++++++++

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator! " she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in: "Disregard," he says. "She got in the back seat by mistake."
--------------
The following are supposed comments made by Police Officers:
"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
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