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Post  pinkfrogfreak on Sat 12 Dec 2009, 7:38 pm

Wow! Things are such a horrible mess right now. These last few days have been very difficult, not to mention the last…many months. I have been carrying a heavy and broken heart and burden for some time and unable to share it with anyone. I did not feel that I could share it with anyone who knew me for fear of rejection and judgment. So instead I just kept everything to myself and delft with it by smoking pot so that I was numb from everything. In and or around May things became so complicated and difficult. This burden I have been carrying became so massive and infectious releasing its venom in me and causing me to break out in hives. Yet I still continued to try to deal with it on my own. Around Sept. the hives got much worse and in Oct. I was in the E.R. multiple times do to the hives. Do I find someone to talk to? Do I say enough is enough and unload? NO! I sill carry on, stuffing the burden, trying to sub-do the effects of the venom with medication and smoke another bowl to forget and not deal with anything. This last month and last couple of weeks it has been all I can do to keep going. I have become so sick physically, mentally, emotionally and have seriously considered just killing myself so that I could be free of everything.

A few nights ago I went into a Christian chat site and somehow struck up a conversation with Elaine who began to reach out and minister to me not even really knowing a thing about me. We ended up exchanging IM addys and talking on messenger. I do not really recall the particulars leading up to it but I was so desperate to talk to someone about this burden and my heart was crying our so badly for someone to talk to and so I totally let my guard down and began to tell this woman who I had just only met my deepest darkest secret. She then prayed with me, gave me some strong words of encouragement and talked me into talking to my therapist about it. The following day I went to therapy and shared with my counselor what I have been struggling with so much these last couple of months. The reason that I have been breaking out so badly with hives. And the reason that I have been smoking pot so much and now am considering taking my life over…

I have been in a same sex relationship for almost a year now. While confiding in Elaine online and divulging to my counselor has been freeing, it has also caused things to be more difficult for me now. I feel as though it has made me face the situating along with the different emotions that are attached to it; right wrong or indifferent I have a lot of mixed up emotions regarding this relationship:

Guilt: For allowing it to go on and not stopping before it got to the extreme that is has.

Hurt: Because I was and am just a really lost and broken little girl looking for love in all of the wrong places.

Angry: Because of how bad she rang me through the ringer and had my heart on a yo-yo.

Jealous: Of the relationship we once had and had hoped to have in the future.

Sick: Do to the dynamics of the relationship and the true gravity of the situation.

Upset: Because she is not only my mothers age but very much like my mother.

(this list of emotions are only a skim of how I really feel about this huge mess.)


Posts : 13
Join date : 2009-12-05
Age : 34
Location : USA

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