Focus on Forgiveness

From: kandyzkisses Sent: 27/10/2005 23:29
posting an article on the subject of forgiveness which was written by someone I know very well, I have her permission to share it here....

Forgiveness

'Forgiveness'. It's sometimes a hard word for us to come to terms with and an even harder issue to deal with and put into practice isn't it? But it's also an issue which we will all have staring us in the face at some point. As we go through this life it's inevitable that we'll be hurt, wronged, attacked, slandered, falsely accused.. the list is endless. Occasionally these things happen to us physically, but more often than not they strike us more deeply than any physical wound ever could, they strike at our hearts, our emotions.

These wounds can be caused by all manner of people, sometimes they're malicious and intended to hurt, sometimes it's unintentionally caused by careless words or actions. You know, I don't know about you, but it tends to effect me more severely when it's caused by a friend or a loved one. From those who have set themselves up as our enemies we expect such behaviour, but when it comes from someone close to us it cuts more deeply; we give our all and then somehow it all seems to go sadly wrong.

Now, just before we all begin wallowing in self pity and our hearts begin to fill with anger towards those who have hurt us, let's just cast our minds back. You know, Jesus was hurt, attacked, wronged, betrayed, slandered, falsely accused and then eventually slaughtered. Yet after it all, our Lord and Saviour hung on that cross and prayed "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." He did nothing wrong, absolutely nothing He was beaten to a pulp, mocked, spat on, nailed to a cross yet He still forgave those who were responsible for this. Remember the responsibility for all of that lies with you and I too, it was our sin that held Him to that cross, it was our shame He carried through the streets of Jerusalem and He forgives all.

Makes our gripes and groans with other people seem a bit insignificant now doesn't it?

But, let's not belittle our sufferings either, when we're hurt we feel bitter and angry, and this manifests in many forms, let's look at a few just now:

1} We thirst for revenge, totally ignoring the Scriptures which tell us vengeance belongs to the Lord.

2} We do everything in our limited power to tarnish the reputation of the person responsible. Come on, admit it.. when someone wrongs us we take great delight in telling EVERYONE!!!!

3} Every time we think of this person, we can feel the anger and hate welling up inside and we begin to think up ways to pay them back.

4} We want to let it go, but we seem to be somehow drawn to the situation or person.

5} We begin to think up ways of justifying our own behaviour to the point where we almost totally ignore any wrong doing on our part.

Now, that's not an exhaustive list obviously, I'm sure we could all add many more ways in which bitterness and anger manifest themselves. But, we don't need to find anymore, because they all point to one vital issue; an unwillingness to forgive.



Yes, I did say unwillingness and I chose the word for a purpose. Did you know that forgiving someone is a choice we make? We choose to hold onto anger and bitterness, we choose to be chained to situations over which we have absolutely no control, we choose to wallow in self pity with our intentions set on revenge.

BUT, in the same respect we can also choose to forgive. So how do we forgive, and more to the point how do we know when we've truly forgiven someone? Let's go through this step by step;

First of all, we have to take the time to pray and to ask the Lord to forgive us for holding onto bitterness and unforgiveness (yes, unforgiveness is a sin, remember the story Jesus told of the unforgiving servant?) But also, we must be totally honest and sincere with ourselves by asking such things as "is there anything I could have done differently?", "what was my part in it all?" Don't focus solely on how hurt you were, consider how you dealt with the situation yourself and confess that to the Lord because I can almost guarantee that your heart wouldn't be one hundred percent pure through it all. You should also apologise and ask forgiveness from the other person if it's at all possible.

Next, we must tell the Lord that we're choosing to forgive the other person, ask for His help, and ask Him to bless them, in all areas of their lives. You know, it's surprising how much anger towards a person melts away when we begin to sincerely pray for them to be blessed.

There are a few things we must understand though, firstly forgiveness isn't necessarily a two way thing, remember just because you've forgiven it doesn't automatically follow that the other person is going to do the same, they may still gossip and try to bring you down, they may still make attempts to tarnish your reputation. So, in this case forgiving will probably be an ongoing process, but you must continue, let the Lord be your defence, don't try to vindicate yourself or take vengeance, continue to forgive, continue to pray remember we are told to pray for our enemies and for those who spitefully use us.

Secondly, forgiveness doesn't mean that the relationship must be restored, there are various situations where this won't happen. Perhaps you've needed to forgive a relative who has passed away, or perhaps the person has moved away, or even doesn't want to restore the relationship. Forgiveness is not a two way action but restoration of a relationship is, you can only do so much and then you have to let it go. The other possibility in this is of course that perhaps the Lord has good reason for not restoring the relationship, it may have been unwholesome or bad for us to begin with. Whatever the reason, if you have done everything you can to put things right, then hand it over to the Lord and move on until such time, if any, that He acts.

So, how do we know that we've forgiven, here's a list of pointers, it's by no means an exhaustive list, and you have to be truly honest with yourself, but I'll try my best to give some examples;

1} You can hear the persons name without getting all screwed up inside.

2} You can pray sincerely for them to be blessed. Now, I don't mean here that you're praying for the Lord to deal with all of their faults and make them see the error of their ways. I mean sincerely praying for blessing in every area of their lives.

3} You feel free, and you're closer to the Lord again. Remember holding onto forgiveness and bitterness breaks our relationship with Him, once we've forgiven then we become so much closer to Him again.

4} You can mention this person in conversation without the urge to make it known how horrible they were and how much they hurt you. {Incidentally, it's okay to talk about the hurt with maybe one very close friend who you can trust not to repeat what you say, talking does help you to heal, but don't gossip, don't be hateful and don't dwell on it for too long. Talk, pray and let it go}

5} You will no longer feel the urge to bring them down at every opportunity. Instead you may find that you begin to have the desire to cover up what they did so that no one else knows about it.

6} You will begin to have a more balanced view on whatever the situation was.

7} You will be able to look at what YOU did wrong and won't be solely focussed on what they did wrong.

Like I said, this isn't an exhaustive list, so please don't feel that you have to fit into all or even any of the above examples, it's just a guideline.

I know that this is maybe one of the hardest issues that we have to deal with, but it's one that MUST be dealt with, so please if you're reading this and need to deal with forgiveness then I urge you to deal with it now. Stop holding onto hurt which only leads to bitterness, sorrow, heaviness of spirit and loss of communion with the Lord. Take some time right now to forgive those you need to, hand all of that anger and bitterness to the Lord and feel the sorrow and heaviness of spirit lift, and your joy in the Lord return. It is worth it, and you will wonder why you hadn't done it sooner.

Remember; it's up to you, you can either choose to dwell in the past and grow bitter and angry or you can choose to forgive and be set free to enjoy the fullness of joy in your relationship with the Lord and with others. Amen?

From: Nutty_and_Crazy_Bloke Sent: 27/10/2005 19:31
Dear Jae, (and to others that feel the same)

In response to your last post, in order:

(1) I also use the view them all option, it can be a helpful feature. It does have its draw backs that you see everything, and this mixs up topics and boards that are very different, and as a result the replies made can also be mixed with the othe themes. May i surgest you don't use it. I'll run it by the other managers and the option may be removed.

(2) Writing your own opinion in relation to the topic is fine, and we encourage that

(3) Replying to Mels post is also fine, however, somewhere (in General) It appears the the group is being used almost as a contact base, in which you seem to have entire conversations with family members. This is what we feel would be better suited in private e-mails.

Posting support messages on the group, we feel would be better suited in a the SHARE AND SUPPORT board.

I hope this will make the managements position a little more clear.

Posted in Prayer.

NCB

From: Missy Sent: 27/10/2005 16:16
There is a Board SHARE AND SUPPORT belonging to FOCUS BOARD, the title is quite self explanatory. The type of thread email message Elaine was referring to would be more appropriate here please. For those who do not have each others email address you will notice this had been included,16/10/05 so that no one is left out.

Thanks for your understanding.

From: JaeByMoonlight Sent: 27/10/2005 13:25
Apologies if you think I have posted inappropriately here. I have gone back and read what I wrote and would like to just make the following points.

Firstly that as I read the board by using the "all boards together" option, I was not aware that this was on a board where my reply needed to be restricted in any way.

Secondly, I did actually write about my own situation, the forgiveness I need both to give and receive at this very difficult time in my life, which is the theme of this thread.

Thirdly, I was in part responding to Mel's post but isn't that the way of a thread, that it should be allowed to grow and develop according to how we, the members, respond to what others write.

Lastly, yes I do know some members as friends, have contact with them on Messenger and enjoy conversation with them in the chat room. Does this mean that I should not reply here to anything written by anyone I consider to be a friend?

I am somewhat upset and disappointed by what you, Missy, and Elaine, have posted here in this regard.

Jae.

From: Dunggate Sent: 26/10/2005 23:56
Sorry Missy if this sound harsh, I really appreciate what your trying to achieve here.
This looks more like an email Board, surely those that have email address can encourage one another as such in private email.

Focus board should contain scripture exortation and encouragement.
I hope I do not offend anyone just trying to direct and help.
Love in Jesus Elaine.
ps I should say your doing a grand job here Missy I do note there are scriptures in posts
Elaine
From: Missy Sent: 27/10/2005 13:10

Agreed Elaine,

Jae Mel, and Kerry,
I dont mean to sound rude, discussing threads, making points, giving your opinions are fine but anything else save for emails please, as we do know you are related so would obviously have contact details for eachother.

Many Thanks.

From: Missy Sent: 26/10/2005 17:26

If you are truly sorry:
You must:
Come to God, confess and repent.
Make a decision to act in the opposite way in future.
15 This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:
"In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it. Isiah30:15

15 For this is what the high and lofty One says—
he who lives forever, whose name is holy:
"I live in a high and holy place,
but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit,
to revive the spirit of the lowly
and to revive the heart of the contrite.Isiah57:15

19Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord,Acts3:19

If you know your actions have hurt others, you should hold your hands up, admit it, say you are truly sorry and mean it, only then can you be truly forgiven.

If you sin, ask forgiveness but keep sinning then you are not truly sorry.

8Produce fruit in keeping with repentance. And do not begin to say to yourselves, 'We have Abraham as our father.' For I tell you that out of these stones God can raise up children for Abraham.Luke3:8

8Produce fruit in keeping with repentanceMatt3:8

The above 2 clearly mean you must PROVE you are sorry.

If you are not truly sorry then you cannot be truly forgiven.

If you have a true relationship with God, it would only be natural that you will feel guilty. Want to repent and say sorry. To FREE yourself.

I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to Repentance.Luke5:32

10For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost."

Luke19:10.

You need to repent in order to receive salvation.

30In the past God overlooked such ignorance, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent.Acts17:30

9The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.2Peter3:9

4Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you toward repentance?Romans2:4

10For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.Romans10:10

10Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.2Corinthians7:10

Remember sin is death………

4 For every living soul belongs to me, the father as well as the son—both alike belong to me. The soul who sins is the one who will die.Ezekiel18:4

So its entirely up to us what we do.

Stay in chains sinning or let the work of the evil one be undone.

MISSY

From: Gilly Sent: 25/10/2005 14:52
Firstly, may I ask you to forgive me if this post is long, but to give and to receive forgiveness is often a long soul searching process with everyone's needs for forgiveness differing.
Your introduction is brilliant missy and addresses the main questions one needs to ask and answer honestly. Forgiveness often means confronting our own sins and can be painful.
Love plays a great part in forgiveness.
It is essentially a movement of grace to embrace those who have sinned against us (Matt5:43-48). It is the offer of restoration to those who have done harm, for the purpose of destroying evil and enhancing life. Love can be defined as the free gift that voluntarily cancels debt in order to free the debtor to become what he might be if he experiences the joy of restoration.
Love is not an absence of anger, nor does it minimize or forget past harm.
Christians are regularly taught to 'forgive and forget'. God is said to have forgotten our sins (Jer31:34), therefore we are told forgiveness =forgetfulness. But the Bible also tells us that God has removed our transgressions from us as far as East is from West (Psalm103v12). Both pictures are forgiveness - forgetfulness - distance and are metaphors not to be mimicked in real life. Literally forgetting the harm done to us would be as difficult as finding that geographical point. The only way would be through unbiblical denial.
For a victim to forsake the call to love, even to love the transgressor, is tantamount to saying their heart is no better than the one who hurt them. Our intention in forgivesness must be for God to restore the sinner to be the person God called them to be. Ultimately we are saying, 'Lord deal with them, the burden is too heavy for me. Show them their sins and let them come to you in forgiveness. Heal them and bless them'.
In the midst of our suffering the thought of the transgressor being full of joy and being blessed by God is not easy to accept, but that is what total forgiveness and forgetting is. In doing so we release ourselves from our own bitterness, our anger and all our pain. As we are able to come to forgiveness we heal and receive once more God's annointing on our lives as we are in turn blessed and resume full fellowship with the Lord.

'Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you'. Ephesians 4:31-32

The two major coauses of emotional problems among Christians are these:
The failure to understand, receive and live out God's unconditional grace and forgiveness,
The failure to give out unconditional love, forgiveness and grace to other people.

Seventyfive percent of people in hospital today with physical illnesses have sicknesses rooted in emotional causes. They are punishing themselves with their illnesses and their physical symptoms and breakdowns may be their involuntary confessions of guilt, which can turn inward, or be misplaced if forgiveness of transgressor or self is not sought.
We must be sure that we do not become victims of an unforgiving spirit, for this would grieve the Holy Spirit of God. We come out of fellowship with God and His annointing and blessing.
'And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God with whom you were sealed for redemption' (Eph4v30). When the Holy Spirit is grieved it means a distortion in one's thinking. I urge you not to grieve the Holy Spirit because this is the best thing we have going for us. Without it we cannot cope, function or think clearly. Paul's words clearly show us in the above Scripture.
We must remain in fellowship with God otherwise we are left to cope in our own strength, and in doing so in our anger and rage the door is open for Satan to set in a pattern of self justification and rebellion.
We are responsible for our actions. You will never receive healing for your damaged emotions until you stop blaming everyone else and accept your responsibility by seeking to forgive everyone involved in your problem. Facing responsibility and forgiving people are really two sides of one coin. The reason some have never been able to forgive is that they would have no one to blame.
Facing resposibility and forgiving are a simultaneous action. Jesus made it plain, there is no healing until there is deep forgiveness. Forgiveness for us is instantaneous and unconditional. Forgiving yourself is harder to achieve, but then, how can you really believe God has forgiven you if you do not forgive yourself. We must learn to let our self esteem grow as we assert and affirm ourselves in His love and His forgiveness. After all the greatest command instructs us to love others as we love ourselves..
As we boldly approach the throne of God in seeking repentence and healing, we can ask the Holy Spirit to lead us to our areas of unforgiveness and show us how we need to pray. Paul said that often we do not know how to pray (Rom8v26), but the Holy Spirit in us and through us makes intercession for us. James reminds us that sometimes we do not receive as we pray for the wrong things. James4v3. It may be essential to seek help from a counsellor, pastor or friend and pray together to ask the Holy Spirit to show you where your real need is. The Holy Spirit knows where to 'tinker' and will show you what you need to know about yourself and then guide you in your prayers.

There are times in our lives when we are right to judge. Jesus gives us a 'loophole' in Matthew7v3-5, 'first remove speck of sawdust'. With prayerful caution we can remove the plank if first we remove the sawdust. Sometimes it is absoloutely right to warn a person about someone as there are people at large who can do great harm. We are called to love and forgive, but we do not have to condone or even like the perpetrator, but always maintain a sweet spirit as we speak out. However it is God who has the final judgement.
Remember, if anothers arrogance destroys the possibility of relationship with us and with God, we must hate this arrogance and see it as a cancer to be destroyed. We are to hate what is evil and cling to what is good. It is not contradictory to love someone, desire their good, and equally work towards destroying their cancer through bringing them to repentence of faith. The courageous work of hating evil and clinging to good is clarified by Paul as not repaying evil for evil. (Romans12:17) and forsaking revenge to leave room enough for the wrath of God (Romans12v19).
gbu all
Gilly

From: Saved_by_Grace5217 Sent: 24/10/2005 23:39
I am not sure I understand what you mean MelF by saying
"As for me hurting others even without realising, then I humbly ask their forgiveness" as my message was directed at everyone as something to simply think upon.

I am not sure what has happened in the past with you but the woman who abused you was obviously very cruel and i can not imagine going through anything like that without becoming bitter so I admire your courage and i admire you for being able to forgive something as horrible as that. I do not know the whole story with regards to what happened on the internet in the past - in fact i know almost nothing - but i am sure that your apologies are accepted by the people who you think you have hurt.

From: MelF106 Sent: 24/10/2005 23:01
Answering Grace, about others forgiving, I think that is between themselves and God. As for me hurting others even without realising, then I humbly ask their forgiveness. I am before God on this and not afraid to say I was in the wrong. Only it is up to those people to find forgiveness in their hearts and move on. Like I have had to with the woman who abused me. It took me years to forgive her. Then walk forward in my life as a Christian whom God is healing emotionally.

Answering my Aunt Jae, I really appreciate all that you have done for me, and are doing. Though we are seperated by continents, we remain close. You are such a great blessing to many. You are, Aunty, drawing close to God every day and in that closeness He is blessing you as you actively seek His face in the matters of your heart.

Letting go sometimes hurts. Cast all your burdens upon Jesus, for he says his burden is light. He will carry you Jae. Just as He is carrying me.

((((((((Jae))))))))

Mel xxx

From: Saved_by_Grace5217 Sent: 24/10/2005 22:46
As Christian people forgiveness is very important that is true because all of our faith is based on the forgiveness of God. It is all very well saying that we can forgive others but what about others forgiving you?

Is there something that you have not asked forgiveness for? Many times in my life I know that I have hurt other people without realising and they find it hard to move from this hurt because I have been not repenting.

Forgiveness is not an easy thing to give but if you're truly friends with a person then forgiveness should be easy as you should not want to hate your friends. It is more sorry to say sorry than it is to say it's ok.

From: JaeByMoonlight Sent: 24/10/2005 21:06
Forgiveness.
Someone I need to forgive? Yes
And someone that I hope will forgive me? Yes

But through all of this I need to know that God will also forgive me.

Mel I identified with particular parts of what you wrote and thank you for sharing so honestly here. It sounds to me like you and Kerry have been on a journey that continues, new paths are opening before you both and you have to find your own way. That's kind of where I am too just now. My journey is taking a turn I never expected and at the end of this stage of my life I hope to become also a new woman, needing to draw nearer to God, wanting so much to feel Him in my life and all around me. Needing to draw strength from His love.

I am asking for the forgiveness of my family and the forgiveness of our Father so that I can let go and move forward now.

From: MelF106 Sent: 24/10/2005 20:36
This is so hard to write, so difficult a subject to share. And Missy is right. Such a deeply sensitive subject for me, too. But I have the guts now to speak about what God has done in my life. He has set me free. Because of Jesus.

Many weeks ago, before I had flu, I was having doubts that I was gay. As some may remember, I have been a practicing gay for many years. But since Kerry and I became carers, we have slept in separate bedrooms, both feeling it right to do so. Over these past weeks, our feelings for one another dissipated, for we knew that God was gently coaxing us to become straight. I heard Kerry praying in her bedroom asking God to forgive her. I realised that this was the time when I had to come to God myself and seek his forgiveness. Knew that my loving heavenly Father knew me far better that I knew myself. Also that God only points to the Cross, on which his Son Jesus died: so that I could come and bow before my Lord, acknowledge my sinfulness and beg God’s forgiveness for being gay. And as I heard Kerry’s sobs rising and falling in repentance, so I went to my room, fell upon my bed and cried asking God to set me free. My heart was willing. And in its willingness, so my loving Father in heaven would honour me.

I have often wondered why forgiving seemed so impossible. My Christian counsellor asked during one of my therapy sessions why does forgiving my past abuser hurt too deep? I answered saying I didn’t know, but inside, deep, I just ‘hurt’. She said that if I asked the Holy Spirit, he would show me how to find it in myself to forgive. I can only say that the coming weeks of both counselling, therapy and in my private times of prayer with God were the very hardest I had experienced in my life. But I wanted to honour God. Wanted to change. Become a new woman in Christ.

Not forgiving someone who abused me when I was a child has been a dreadful burden. My counsellor said that unless I forgave them, I could not move forward. She was right, of course. Oh yeah. Told me that I had to ask God to give me his forgiveness just like you said Missy, so I could, in turn, forgive someone had done to me. But I knew that my coming to God over this issue was going to be hard.

It was up on the rooftop of my late mother’s flat, early, just after sunrise that I came to God and finally admitted to him I had forgiven my abuser. I remember opening my eyes to see - nothing had changed around about me. Only it was inside me that had changed: I no longer felt any fear, any dread on remembering Jane: her face, her voice, the way she walked; the way she looked at me. All those feelings inside that felt bad - they had gone. This was Jesus: his hand of healing on my mind, my whole being changed cos the resurrection power of Jesus had wiped it all away.

I want to be single now. Want to be my own person in my own right. Not to have a relationship. Not yet, anyway. I sense inside thats what God wants: He wants me for HIM.

Since I collapsed with flu that affected my asthma, the virus has gone into my central nervous system and affected my legs. I can walk a bit better now but still have to use a wheelchair. It has been a blessing and a curse. A 'curse because I have fought it, kicked it, wept in it and shouted at it. I fell out of the thing when reaching a box of chocolates that had fallen on the floor. Sobbing I crawled across the floor and hauled myself up onto the sofa. A blessing because in my helplessness I have turned to God in my helplessness: my God, my loving heavenly Father. I am going to see a specialist next Friday, but what matters now and in the future is my relationship with my heavenly Father. To serve him in newness of life. To walk forward and not look back. To do it gladly. To do it because of Jesus.

Melanie Falcon

From: Missy (Original Message) Sent: 24/10/2005 15:49
Forgiveness
Is there someone in your life you need to forgive?

Do you often recall the incident in your mind?

Do you rejoice at their misfortune?

Do you criticise this person?

Do you dream of them?

Do you think of them often?


If you answer yes to these questions, then there may indeed be someone you need to forgive.

What does forgiveness really mean?


By forgiving someone you are saying…….

I am letting you go free.

I will not demand anything from you.

I will never mention this again.

I will never tell anyone else about this.


What if forgiving seems impossible? If the hurts too deep?


REMEMBER God knows your heart, he knows your hurts.

He understands.

He forgives you unconditionally.

He makes no demands.

He let YOU go free because he loved YOU

Not forgiving can be a burden to you, you may feel you cannot move forward.

PRAY - Tell God whats in your heart and that you find it difficult to forgive.

Tell him you want to be able to.

Ask him to give you HIS forgiveness to help you to forgive.

Ask him to lead you and teach you how to forgive.


Each time negative feelings arise,pray for the person that hurt you!

Remember – God is faithful.



If your heart is willing, he will do it.

Not being able to forgive can hinder your relationship with God.

Here is the link to bible gateway where you can find ref's to forgiveness in the bible and also instances.

http://bible.gospelcom.net/quicksearch/?quicksearch=forgiveness&qs_version=31

I hope you find this useful, please add what you wish to the thread.

Focus on Forgiveness
Requested by Gilly and NCB