Some HUMOR

December 4, 2023
HUMOR
The Mall Santa
While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains.
"If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your brother Mike is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?
The usual answer was a quick yes.
But after I asked Donnie this question, he became very quiet.
Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him.
He promptly replied, "Another train."
……Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of ‘Christian Voices’ (christianvoices@att.net)
- - - - - -
The problem with the "safety net" is that it has become

a hammock instead of a trampoline! - Bud Weisbrod

Backwards Music



A tourist in Vienna is going through a grave yard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around so he starts looking for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds that it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig von Beethoven 1770-1827.



Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards!



Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.



Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.



When they return with the expert, The Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.



By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the second symphony being played backward.



Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.



"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says. "He's decomposing!”



……From Monday Fodder by way of ‘Christian Voices (christianvoices@att.net)

HUMOR



Down



Father: Look at all these bills! Taxes, rent, telephone, clothes, food. The cost of living is going up everywhere. I'd be happy if just one thing went down.


Little Johnny: Dad, here's my report card.


……Mikey’s Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.mikeysfunnies.com) by way of ‘Christian Voices’ (christianvoices@att.net)

November 7, 2023
HUMOR

Hope

The coach's wife yells to her husband, "It's Sports Illustrated on the phone."


The coach falls all over himself racing to the phone and says,

"Hello?"

Then he hears, "For just $20 a year…"

__________________________________________________


Surprises

My daughter's third-grade teacher had assigned the children to write a story titled "My Biggest Surprise."

Not until the end of the school year did we see Marina's work. It read: "I got up this morning and I ran into Mommy and Daddy's bed and hopped in. But it wasn't Mommy at all.

It was Mrs. Del Campo!"

What her essay neglected to say was that we had called Mrs. Del Campo late at night to stay with our children while I took my wife to the hospital to have our third child.

……Today’s ‘Humor’ brought to you by Daily Clean Jokes by way Doc’s Daily Humor and ‘Christian Voices’ (christianvoices@att.net)

Handy Man 'To Do' List
Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.
Turns out, he only does odd jobs

HUMOR
Turtledoves
I was officiating at a wedding and during the preparations the bride and groom wanted to have two turtledoves on the altar as a symbol of their forever love. I politely said no birds or animals.

They hid the birds in a back room, anyway. Immediately after the service they went outside, each of them with a bird in its cage. They opened the cages in unison. One bird flew out and made a hard right turn. The other flew out and made a hard left turn.
We all stood there watching the symbols of their forever love fly off in opposite directions.
……Rev. Mark Martin by way of Mikey’s Funnies and ‘Christian Voices’ (christianvoices@att.net)

July 14, 2023
 
 
HUMOR
 
Give Joyfully
 
On one particular Sunday, the pastor was emphasizing the importance of everyone giving their tithes and offerings. He went on to challenge the people to give enthusiastically because II Corinthians 9:7 says in it that "God loves a cheerful giver."
    
As the plate was passed, a little boy in the second pew, quickly slipped off his neck tie and placed it into the offering plate.
 
His mother, absolutely mortified, asked him what in the world he thought he was doing.
 
The boy replied, "The pastor said put your ties in the offering plate and do it joyfully. I love that man!"
 
-    -    -    -    -    -    -
 
Cinema
 
It was Jim and Danielle's first date. They sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start. 

The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema's concession stand. Jim and Danielle realized that there was no sound. The film began but the silence continued. 
 
Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted, "Okay, who's got the remote control?" 
 
……Above Humor by Patricia Kaine (docsdailychuckle@welovegod.org) by way of ‘Christian Voices’ (christianvoices@att.net)
 
<><    <><    <><    <><    <><    <><    <><
 
There is never enough time to do everything, but there’s 
always enough time to do the most important things. 
- John Maxwell

Signs You've Chosen a No Frills Airline

You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.

Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your
Velcro.

The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the
runway.

You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says,
"Just once."

No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your
eyes.

You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the
plane.

All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Humor

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God,there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".

God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that
type. Re-direct them down to hell."

St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"

"Who, the New Yorkers?".

"No, the Pearly Gates."

Kids Are Quick
____________ _________ _________ ______

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.







TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________ _________ _________ ______

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________ _________ _________ __ ____________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O..
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
____________ _________ _________ ____

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________ _________ _________ _________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right..... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
____________ __ ____________ _______
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
____________ _________ _________ ________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
____________ _________ _________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
____________ _________ _________ _____
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
____________ _________ _________ ____

TEACHER: If there are any idiots in this class please stand up now... no one okay...

JIM:*stands up*

TEACHER: And why do you think you're an idiot, Jim?

JIM:Oh,I don't ,sir. It's just I hate seeing ya stand up there on your own.

____________ ____


PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH!
LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE!! YOU CAN BRIGHTEN UP SOMEONE'S DAY!

Only a creative Jamaican could think of this. --



An Old Jamaican man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his

Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden, but it was very hard work as the
ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old
man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:



Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't

be able to plant my Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden this year. I'm
just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you
were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the

plot for me.
Love, Dad


A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie

The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the

entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the Yams and Potatoes now. That's the best I could
do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie

FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK

NUMBER 5: "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

NUMBER 4: "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to."

NUMBER 3: "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!"

NUMBER 2: "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

NUMBER 1: (Raising your head slowly) "...in Jesus' name, Amen"

NO HYGIENE AT THIS PLACE
Hygiene is in the eye of the beholder, I've decided.
One lunchtime I watched the woman in the sandwich shop spreading mayonnaise on my bread, and noticed part of her grubby work shirt was dragging across it. "Excuse me," I ventured, "your sleeve is in the mayo." "No problem," she reassured me. "I need to wash it anyway."


PLANNED HIS REWARD
A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her. The lady looked into her handbag and commented, "Hmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, ma'am. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have any change for a reward."

and... SOMETHING TO BE WARNED ABOUT Little Pauly was alarmed when he heard a car horn honking enthusiastically. "People beep their horns after a couple is married," explained the wise and knowledgeable Uncle Professor.
Pauly: "Why? As a warning?"

Received from: Clean Humor Digest

Finally it is explained!!


On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.



On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.



There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Pass it on!


Elaine

A sign was placed in an office window:

HELP WANTED

"Must be a speed typist and have computer skills. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~

A short time later a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist, wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.

The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised to see a canine applicant but as the dog looked determined he was shown into the manager's office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type."

The dog went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."

The dog went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, and then presented them to the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Look, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog. No way could I hire you."

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."

The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the darn sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."

Baptist Shampoo

While shopping in a grocery store, two Baptist church ladies happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.The second good Baptist sister answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first sister replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look, so the good Baptist sister said, 'This is for washing our hair.' Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. 'The curlers are on me.'

Some of this is nearly English.... Sentences in REAL letters written to Councils in the UK by residents in Council houses/flats.
1. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father burnt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are Plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and Not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third. So please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

Lipstick in School (Priceless!)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers. . . And then there are educators . . .

By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere” he pleaded.” — Or just a bed - I don’t care where.” “Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,” admitted the manager,” and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.” “No problem,” the tired travelers assured him. “I’ll take it.” The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. “How’d you sleep?” asked the manager. “Never better.” The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?” “Nope, I shut him up in no time” said Dave. “How’d you manage that?” asked the manager. “He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” Dave explained.” I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”

Killer
Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working.He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!" To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!"

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR... If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especiallyhard to see things up closeMy traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slipand slide and skid and bump into things even in thebest of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough orsputter ..either my radiator leaks or my exhaustbackfires

The Best Way To Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. 'Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,' the priest said. 'No,' said the minister. 'I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.' 'You're both wrong,' the guru said. 'The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.' The repairman could contain himself no longer. 'Hey, fellas,' he interrupted. 'The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole.'

Hotel Security

A friend and I stayed at a Chicago hotel while attending a convention. Since we weren't used to the big city, we were overly concerned about security.

The first night we placed a chair against the door and stacked our luggage on it. To complete the barricade, we put the trash can on top. If an intruder tried to break in, we'd be sure to hear him.

Around 1 a.m. there was a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" my friend asked nervously.

"Honey," a woman on the other side yelled, "you left your key in the door."

and
Double-Decker Bus

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sign up with a tourist group for a chartered-double-decker bus trip to London. There are only 2 seats left on the bottom of the bus, and only 1 seat on the top of the bus available when they board. The young ladies decide to take turns riding on the top, and flip a coin to see who gets the first turn. The blonde wins the toss.

A couple of hours later, it's the redhead's turn. She takes the steps to the top and sees the blonde, sitting there scared half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white.

"What's goin' on?" the redhead asks. "We're havin' a grand old time down below, singing and laughing."

The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."
Source Arcmax

A secretary, a paralegal, and a partner in a big law firm are walkingthrough a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oillamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says,"I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you justone." "Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in theBahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof!She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply ofexotic foods, and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "Iwant those two back in the office right after lunch." .....Mikey's Funnies

*Unanswered Questions*
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?

If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?

If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come outwith your feet first?

Do skunks think people smell bad?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to thatrule?
What is a male ladybug called?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
How come people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can, yet the moment you do anything childish or immature they tell you to growup?
Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?

Why is a Nautical mile shorter than a land mile?

If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from theback of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?

When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop, where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first." -- Michelle R. St. James

Note by Elaine
They obviously didn't know of our help site Community Feedback

*HUMOR*
*Convert*
Morris a young Jewish lad entered Notre Dame to play football. At the end of the season, he returned home. As luck would have it, heran into his Rabbi at the airport. The rabbi asked, "Are they trying to convert you at Notre Dame?" The youngster said, "Of course not, Father!"
%..Docs Daily Chuckle
HUMOR
Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they comeupon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and are amazed bythe size of it. The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole! I can't even see thebottom! I wonder how deep it is?" The second hunter says, "I don't know--let's throw something down andlisten and see how long it takes to hit bottom." The first hunter says, "There's this old transmission here--give me ahand and we'll throw it in and see." So they pick it up and carry it over, and count, "one, and two, andthree," and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and theyhear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around theysee a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole withno hesitation, and jump in headfirst. While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in thehole, and trying to figure out what that was all about,

an old farmerwalks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen tosee my goat around here anywhere, did you?" The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask--we were just standinghere a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doin'about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this holehere!" And the old farmer said, "Why that's impossible! I had him tied to a transmission!"