Share your Jokes smiles here

On the Lighter Side

A few weeks ago as our pastor was preaching the sermon,
our Music Director was acting a little frantic and
working hard to change a song we were scheduled to sing
after the sermon was over.

Our pastor was preaching on the topic, "What About
Hell." The song that we were scheduled to sing was
"Light the Fire."

  -- Source: Unknown

On the Lighter Side

Newspaper Article "Foul-Ups!" 

Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and
lectured on "Destructive Pests." A large number were
present.

The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but
City officials are holding their breath until it is
officially finished.

The ladies of the County medical society auxiliary plan
to publish a cookbook. Part of the money will go to the
Samaritan Hospital to purchase a stomach pump.

Columbia, Tennessee, which calls itself the largest
outdoor mule market in the world, held a mule parade
yesterday headed by the Governor. 

The attorney general's office said yesterday that an
autopsy performed on the headless body of a man found
in Mason failed to determine the cause of death.

Weather: Sunny with a few cloudy periods today and
Thursday, which will be followed by Friday.

  -- Source Unknown

On the Lighter Side

Question to kids: What would it take to make your Mom
perfect? 

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I
think some kind of plastic surgery. 

2. Diet. You know her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue. 

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what
would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room
clean. I'd get rid of that. 

2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was
my sister who did it and not me. 

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible
eyes on the back of her head. 

  Source: Mickey's Funnies. 
  To subscribe go to: http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/

Lying About Your Age

Thomas, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with an absolutely gorgeous and breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old brunette. She is hanging on to his arm and listening intently to his every word.

His usual golf-playing partners and fellow members of the club are baffled and shocked. At their very first chance, they come to him and ask, "Thomas, how did you get the amazing trophy girlfriend?"

Thomas replies, "Girlfriend? She's not my girlfriend -- she's my wife."

Disbelieving him, they ask, "So how did you persuade her to marry you?"
  
"I lied about my age," he replies. 

"What? Did you tell her you were only 50?" 

Thomas smiles and says, "Nope, I told her I was 90."

"Exkuses"

The following letters requesting support were received
by an office of the welfare department. They've been
around awhile, but are worth repeating for those of us
who make our share of little "mistrakes!"

"I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you
tell me why?"

"I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is
dead."

"This is my eighth child. What are you going to do
about it?"

"I am very much annoyed to have branded my son
illiterate. This very much a dirty lie as I was married
a week before he was born."

"I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three
children, one of which is a mistake as you can see."

"Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be
forced to live an immortal life."

"You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this
make a difference?"

"In accordance with your instructions I have given
birth to twins in the enclosed envelope." 

  Source: Mickey's Funnies. 
  To subscribe go to: http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/



3. Today 

Today is the only day that you will ever have in your
life. Yesterday is now history and you cannot use it.
Tomorrow is still a mystery, and you cannot use it.
Today is all the present, the only present that you
have, a present that needs reception, a clean start, an
opportunity to improve on what is left from yesterday
and make a solid base for what is yet to come tomorrow.
Every day is worth pondering over to avoid wondering
about.1

As God's Word also reminds us saying, "Behold, now is
the accepted time; behold, now is the day of
salvation."2 

1. Cited on andychaps_the-funnies

On the Lighter Side

A young man had finished his first semester in college,
and was spending the weekend at home. Somewhat bored
with the old place, he was regaling his father with the
wonders of his campus and the enlightened people there.
After getting up a head of steam and warming up to his
subject, he said, "Why, Dad, in our chemistry lab at
college we have made an acid that will dissolve any
known substance." 

The father turned and looked at him and slowly said,
"That's mighty fine. What do they keep it in, son?"

  Source: 1001 Humorous Illustrations, Saratoga Press, 
  p. 193.

Barbers Don't Exist

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects. When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe that God exists."

"Why do you say that?" asked the customer.

"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine loving a God who would allow all of these things."

The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."

"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"

"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."

"Ah, but barbers DO exist! What happens is, people do not come to me."

"Exactly!" affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens is, people don't go to Him." 

      -- Submitted by Ed Bradley

On the Lighter Side

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple of hours in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.

He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, Son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, Son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, Son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not, Son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!" 

      Source: Clean Laughs, www.Gophercentral.com.

On the Lighter Side

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel
were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang,
and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not
supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See
those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

Source: Mickey's Funnies.
http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/

HUMOR
 
Overweight 

A new report suggests that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers some surprising benefits. 

Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates. Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and infections, states the report. 

Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer. And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming. 

In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier, more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier. 

The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Star- bucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.

On the Lighter Side

Noah's Ark: Everything I need to know, I learned from 
  Noah's Ark. 
One: Don't miss the boat. 
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat! 
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built
  the Ark. 
Four: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may
  ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job
  that needs to be done. 
Six: Build your future on high ground. 
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs. 
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were
  on board with the cheetahs. 
Nine: When you're stressed, float awhile. 
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the
  Titanic by professionals. 
Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God,
  there's always a rainbow waiting.

My Sat Nav

I have a little Sat nav
It sits there in my car
A Sat Nav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Sat Nav
I've had it most my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Sat Nav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And sometimes warms the bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then
I could switch the damn thing off.



Only An Aussie Can Make You Feel Like A Woman


A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. 
Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.



She gasped...




Then, he spoke...






'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.


New Mercedes

Oscar drives his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parks it outside and goes in to do a little perusing with Buffy, his regular sales woman. 

Buffy is a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walks into the store, she happily greets him. But he asks to look around alone today before calling her for help. She obliges and lets him do his thing. 

Five minutes later, Buffy the blonde comes running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!" 

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?" 

"No," she replies, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"



Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."

On the Lighter Side

An elderly woman walked into the local country church.
The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped
her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to
sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said.
"The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No," he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," she said.

"Good," he answered.

  Source: Mickey's Funnies. To subscribe go to: 
  http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/.

 On the Lighter Side

Kindly adult: "How old are you, little man?"

Shy child: (silently holds up 4 fingers)

Kindly adult: "Four years old! And when will you be
five?"

Shy child: "When I hold up the other finger." 

Source: Mickey's Funnies. To subscribe go to:
http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/

Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden."

Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have
any worries or troubles."

Girl: "Well that's just because you're not married
yet."

  Source: Mickey's Funnies, www.mikeysFunnies.com

Preacher and Cab Driver
 
A preacher dies, and when he gets to heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."

The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"

The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."

The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"

…..Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

The Math Exam
Technical/engineering schools such as MIT and Cal Poly pride themselves on their excellence in teaching mathematical skills. They only got into trouble once in a beginning calculus course in which there was a Friday night exam.

It seems that many of the students thought they knew the material so well that they drank beer all afternoon before the exam. By the bad grades on their exams, they learned that alcohol and differential calculus don't mix.

By now, most everyone knows, you should never drink and derive.

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. 
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...
But that's not the worst of it. 

My headlights are out of focus, 
And it's especially hard to see things up close. 

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. 

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. 

But here's the worst of it.

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,

Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires!

On the Lighter Side

A woman once called the police station to report a
skunk in her cellar. She was told to make a trail of
bread crumbs from the basement to the yard--then wait
for the skunk to follow it out of the basement. A while
later the woman called again and reported that she had
done as she was told, and now she had two skunks in her
basement.

In all honesty, I didn't really find this all that funny but it was clever:

Subject: Fw: How The Internet Started According To The Bible

How the internet started according to the Bible In ancient Israel , it came
to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a
healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, Large of breast, broad of shoulder and long
of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from...
town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy
tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of
a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between
to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling
you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery
made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the
goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. 
It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a
language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly
take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican
Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who
bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to
be made that would work only with Brother Gates' 
drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be
known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO, " said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham' s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid
(GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around
the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything
(GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.

"I can Do all Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me." Phillippians 4:13.

Diet to Start the New Year

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day. I have found that this really works!!

BREAKFAST
* 1 Grapefruit
* 1 slice whole-wheat toast
* 1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
* 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
* 1 cup herbal tea
* 1 Penguin Biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA
* The rest of the Penguins from the packet
* 1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping

DINNER
* 4 bottles of wine (red or white)
* 2 loaves garlic bread
* 1 family size Supreme pizza
* 3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
* 1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)Stressed - Deserts

FINALLY REMEMBER:

"Stressed" spelled backwards is desserts".
Send this to four women and you will lose 2 kilograms.
Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew) and you will lose 10 kilograms.
IF you delete this message you will gain 10 kilograms.

AND
A New Year's Wish

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

-----
Dieting - New Year Resolutions

2010: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2011: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2012: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2013: I will work out 3 days a week.

2014: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
------
Short Santa Funnies

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!

Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition.
Now thats what you call pot luck!


What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday ?
Freeze a jolly good fellow ! 

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?
Santapplause ! 

Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar
Santa drives a rusty car
Press the starter
Press the choke
Off he goes in a cloud of smoke ! 

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?
Santa Jaws ! 

Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe ! 

Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?
Because they both have "Sandy claws" ! 

What does Father Christmas call his money ?
Iced lolly ? 

What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ?
Santa pause !

-------------------
Enter the Pearly Gates

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. 

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. 

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" 

Answer... "They're Carol's."

-----------------------
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

Christmas Present
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" 

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

-------------------------
Question and Answer Christmas Jokes

Q: What do elves learn in school?
Christmas Present
A: The Elf-abet!

Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: "I don't like sprouts" !

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? 
A: Missletoe! 

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? 
A: Frostbite. 

Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? 
A: Because he had low elf esteem. 

Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens? 
A: So he can ho-ho-ho. 

Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll. 

Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? 
A: Ribbon hood. 

Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
A: Because it's to far to walk.

Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A: Forty feet of track - all straight! 

Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.

Q: How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?
A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.

Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? 
A: Sandy Claus!

Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? 
A: Fleece Navidad!

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.

Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? 
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.

Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
A: We'll have a boo Christmas without you. 

Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A: Okay everyone, sack time!!

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? 
A: Snowflakes. 

Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? 
A: A subordinate claus.

Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.

Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E? 
A: Because the angel had said, "No L!"

Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh? 
A: Santa caught in a revolving door! 

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it " soots " him!

Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney? 
A: Pour Santa flush on him. 

Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? 
A: Claustrophobic.

Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.

Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

Q: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet of handkerchiefs for Christmas?Q: Olive ?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Q: Olive?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A: It was wound up already.

Q: What's a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

A couple's lawn mower was broken, and the wife kept hinting to her husband that he should get it repaired.  But the message never sunk in.  She finally thought of a way to make her point.

One day the husband arrived home to find her seated in the grass busily snipping away with a pair of scissors.  He watched silently for a short time, and then went into the house.

He returned a few moments later, handed her a toothbrush and said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say he should be able to walk again, but always have the limp.

On the Lighter Side

The celebrated pianist Arthur Rubinstein often wondered
if he gave a concert in disguise what kind of critical
reception he would get. Eventually, he tried a concert
under an assumed name and a beard. Critics' verdict:
The bearded wonder wasn't in a class with the great
Rubinstein. - John McCarthy (Cited in Bits & Pieces).

Remember: "Those who laugh ... last!"

On the Lighter Side

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while
healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front? 

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke? 

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters? 

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our
driveways and put our useless junk in the garage? 

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word? 

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do
'practice'? 

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and
dish washing liquid made with real lemons? 

Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker? 

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
rush hour? 

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together?

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE! AND AN XBOX 360! AND I PRAY FOR THE NEW IRON MAN COMIC BOOK!"

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

…..Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)