Share your Jokes smiles here

Courteous Lady

A little old lady owned a home beside the fifth fairway, and stray golf balls were always landing in her back yard.  Instead of getting angry, she removed the fence along the boundary, invited the golfers onto her property, showed them where their ball was located, and encouraged them to take their next shot from that spot.  Even when they missed and dug deep divots in her lawn, she would tell them to go ahead and take another swing. 

A visitor, after witnessing her overly courteous behavior, couldn't help but comment. "How come you let them tear up your yard like that?" the visitor asked, "and not only that, you encourage them." 

"I'm not as courteous as you think," the old lady replied. "I'm planning on turning my yard into a garden, and I figure within another month they'll have it plowed for me."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

Serious Advice
A young boy gave some serious advice to his little sister.

He told her, "When you need help from our parents, don't ever tell them you made a mistake. Instead, say you want to talk to them about a recent learning experience. You get into much less trouble that way!"

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

On the Lighter Side 

One morning Emma woke up with a start. Her husband Jim
asked what was the matter. She told him, "I just had a
dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's
Day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," Jim said.

That evening, Jim came home with a small package and
gave it to his wife. Delighted, Emma opened it, only to
find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams." 

Source: Mickey's Funnies. To subscribe go to:
http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/


The French police officer stops his car and asks the
gentleman if he has been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he
has been drinking all day; that his daughter got
married in the morning to a French man, and that he
drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the
reception and quite a few glasses of single malt
thereafter. 

Quite upset, the police officer proceeds to alcotest
(breath test) him, which he fails and asks the
Englishman if he knows under French Law why he has just
been arrested.

The Englishman answers with humor: "No!" And then says
to the policeman, "Do you know that this is a British
car, and that my wife is the driver ... on the other
side?

HUMOR
 
Fire Safety Training

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.

"Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "and then press the trigger to release the foam."

Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.

The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin ... and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.
 
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

On the Lighter Side

As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and
did research at night. I would usually take a break
around eight, however, to play the strategy game,
Warcraft, online with a teammate.

One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who
was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our
troops crushed one opponent after another, and after
six games we were undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless
leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.

"How old are you?" I typed.

"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"

Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Ten."

  Cited on ArcaMax Jokes for Monday, 
  www.arcamax.com.

HUMOR
 
POLITICAL APHORISMS 

The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~ Henry Cate, VII

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~ Aesop

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~ Will Rogers

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges even where there is no river. ~ Nikita Khrushchev

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~ Author unknown

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more land tunnel. ~ John Quinton

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Tex Guinan

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~ Charles de Gaulle

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~ Doug Larson

…..Mikey’s Funnies (http://www.mikeysfunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

On the Lighter Side

A fellow goes into a florist shop that has a sign: "Say
It With Flowers."

He says, "One rose, please."

"Just one?" asks the florist.

"Yes. I'm a man of few words." 

  Source: Mickey's Funnies. 
  To subscribe go to: http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/

“CHRISTIAN VOICES”
 
June 30, 2014
 
HUMOR
 
The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter.

I told him, "Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where I am - in the bedroom, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement - I ask myself, 'Now, what am I here after?'"

…..Mikey’s Funnies (http://www.mikeysfunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

Enough is enough

As Buddy Hackett tells it, fellow comedian Jimmy
Durante was no golfer, try as he might. On one
particular day, Durante's first round was terrible.
When the Schnoz stepped up for the 18th hole, his score
had already soared to well over 200. He took a 12 on
the final hole and turned to his partner.

"What should I give the caddy?" he asked softly.

"Your clubs," his friend replied.

-- From Speaker's Treasury of Sports Anecdotes, Stories
and Humor, by Gerald Tomlinson, published by Prentice
Hall, 1990, p. 13. Cited in Parables etc, July 2004

On the Lighter Side

Finals

There were four college sophomores taking chemistry and
all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were
so confident that the weekend before finals, they
decided to visit some friends and have a big party.
They had a great time but, after all the hearty
partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it
back to campus until early Monday morning. 

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that
after the final they would explain to their professor
why they missed it. They said that they visited
friends, but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a
result, they missed the final. The professor agreed
they could make up the final the next day. The guys
were excited and relieved. They studied that night for
the exam. 

The next day the Professor placed them in separate
rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly
answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they
thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was
going to be easy ... then they turned the page. On the
second page was written: "For 95 points: Which tire?"

  -- Submitted by Steve Testrake

HUMOR
 
Dewey was returning home from a business trip, bags in hand, and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage. Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Dewey, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. "Get in," the driver ordered. "I'll take you to your car."

Startled, Dewey took a step backward. "Ah ... no thanks," he answered. "I can get there myself."

"No!" the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. "Get In!"

Dewey's eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.

Just then, the driver's face softened. "Please," he said, "I've been driving up and down for an hour. I can't find a space to park and I want yours."

…..Mikey’s Funnies (http://www.mikeysfunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

On the Lighter Side

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was
very grieved because he had worked so hard for his
money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to
heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to
take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but
you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He
might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow
him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God
has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.
Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and
fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his
bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates
of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase,
Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring
that in here!"

But the man explains to him that he has permission and
asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure
enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're
right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm
supposed to check its contents before letting it
through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items
that the man found too precious to leave behind and
exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!"

  Source: Mickey's Funnies.
  To subscribe go to: http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/

On the Lighter Side

My kid brother, a strict vegetarian, travels abroad for
long periods on business. When he got back from Europe
one time, he called our parents' home and told Dad he
was about to pay them an unexpected visit.

When Dad hung up the phone, he called to mother. "The
prodigal son is returning! Kill the fatted zucchini!"

  -- Cited on andychaps_the-funnies Andychap@aol.com

On the Lighter Side

Dewey was returning home from a business trip, bags in
hand, and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the
crowded airport garage. Suddenly a large dark car
screeched to a stop in front of Dewey, and the driver
pointed menacingly at him. "Get in," the driver
ordered. "I'll take you to your car."

Startled, Dewey took a step backward. "Ah ... no
thanks," he answered. "I can get there myself."

"No!" the man called back as he threw open his
passenger side door: "Get In!"

Dewey's eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to
find a security guard.

Just then, the driver's face softened. "Please," he
said, "I've been driving up and down for an hour. I
can't find a space to park and I want yours."

  Source: Mickey's Funnies. 
  To subscribe go to: http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/

Sermon

Giving a sermon one Sunday, I heard two teenage girls in the back giggling and disturbing people. I interrupted my sermon and announced sternly, "There are two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That quieted them down. 

When the service was over, I went to greet people at the front door. Three adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again. 

…..Docs Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@freegroups.net) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR
 
Lunch Money
 
In our town's elementary school at the beginning of the year, the school secretary 
routinely collects the lunch money from the new kindergartners. This solves the problem 
of lost money.  But for nervous 5-year-olds, it took a few days to understand what was happening.
 
For two days, the secretary would come into the room and ask in a loud voice, "Does 
anybody have any lunch money for me?"  Her question was met with no response.
 
On the third day, one little boy came in at the bell, walked hesitantly to the teacher's desk, held out his hand and whispered, "Here is lunch money from my piggy bank for the poor lady nobody gives money to."

…..Docs Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@freegroups.net) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR
 
Stampede
 
Our children's Sunday School classes were presenting their end of the year program for the congregation - telling about the life of Jesus. 

When it came to the part about Jesus' miracles, one little boy said, "Yes, Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead!" The teacher urged him to tell us more. 

He said, "Well, Jesus told them to open the tomb, and then He said, 'Lazarus, come out!' And it's a good thing he didn't just say 'Come out!' because there would have been a stampede of dead guys." 

Needless to say our congregation enjoyed the presentation very much. 

…..Docs Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@freegroups.net) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

On the Lighter Side

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who
was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let
you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner
and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his
daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he
gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
"I'm the groom."

  - Cited on www.sermons.com

On the Lighter Side

My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was
doing. My ten-year-old niece answered the phone.

"Hello," she whispered.

"Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" I asked.

"She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.

"Did she go to the doctor?" I asked.

"Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly.

"Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are
you doing, by the way?"

Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my
trumpet."

-- Cited on
http://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/andychaps_the-funnies/info