Share your Jokes smiles here

On the Lighter Side 

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was
very grieved because he had worked so hard for his
money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to
heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to
take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but
you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He
might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow
him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God
has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.
Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and
fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his
bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates
of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase,
Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to him that he has permission and
asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure
enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're
right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm
supposed to check its contents before letting it
through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items
that the man found too precious to leave behind and
exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!" 

(See Revelation 21:21 -- http://tinyurl.com/28792y)

  Source: Mickey's Funnies, www.mikeysFunnies.com

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. 

"Boss," he says, "we' re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We' re short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

Your gonna love the next chuckle.
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. 

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman! " 

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

~ Diana was alive hours before death

~ Missippi literacy program shows improvement

~ Bug flying around are flying bugs

~ Teen pregnancy drops significantly after age 25 study shows 

~ Study finds having sex enhances pregnancy chances

~ Federal agents raid gun shop and find weapons

~ Marijuana issue sent to joint committee 

~ Homicide victims rarely talk to police

~ Bridges help people cross rivers

~ Hospital resorts to hiring doctors

~ Caskets found in mausoleum being torn down

~ Meeting on open meetings is closed

Three contractors are bidding to fix the fence at a local company. All three are examining the fence with the company' s CFO. 

The first contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The second contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." 

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the CFO and whispers: "$2,700. " 

The CFO, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" 

"Easy, $1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the second contractor."

1963 vs. 2013 
(A span of only 50 YEARS) 

This should be sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it.. and to those who don't pass it on to someone you know. 

1963: Long hair 
2013: Longing for hair 

1963: KEG 
2013: EKG 


1963: Acid rock 
2013: Acid reflux 


1963: Moving to California because it's cool 
2013: Moving to Arizona because it's warm 


1963: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 
2013: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 


1963: Seeds and stems
2013: Roughage


1963: Hoping for a BMW
2013: Hoping for a BM


1963: Going to a new, hip joint
2013: Receiving a new hip joint 


1963: Rolling Stones 
2013: Kidney Stones


1963: Passing the drivers' test
2013: Passing the vision test


Just in case you weren't feeling too old enough today, this will certainly change things.
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list: 

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1994! 


They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. 

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.


Bottle caps have always been childproof and plastic.


The CD was introduced 4 years before they were born.


They have always had an answering machine.. 


They have always had cable.


They cannot fathom not having a remote control.


Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.


Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.


They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.


They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.


They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.


They never heard:
"Where's the Beef?",
"I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or
"De plane, Boss, de plane.." 


They do not care who shot J.R. nor do they have any idea who J. R. even is.



Mc Donald's never came in Styrofoam containers.


They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. 
Do you feel old yet?

-----------------------------------

Topic :   Commotion in Canada..... a Canadian funny

There was a bit of a commotion at Canadian Tire this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gunpowder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to [Canadian Prime Minister] Harper about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she meant my credit card.

They have told me to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

Ya' gotta love this guy!!!!! Meet Walter Barnes -
All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man! Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies? 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual.
"How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them *&%$#*" - and he calmly returned to his seat.
-------------------------------------

There was a bit of a commotion at Canadian Tire this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gunpowder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to [Canadian Prime Minister] Harper about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she meant my credit card.

They have told me to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
--------------------------------------------------------------

THE PERFECT HUSBAND 

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.



A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.



Everyone else in the room stops to listen. 

MAN: "Hello" 

WOMAN: ;"Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" 

MAN: "Yes." 

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?" 

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." 

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealer ship and saw the new models. I saw one I really, really liked." 

MAN: "How much?" 

WOMAN: "$90,000." ; 

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." 

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.

They're asking $980,000 for it." 

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want." 

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" 

MAN: ;"Bye! I love you, too." 

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. 

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"
--------------------------------------------------------------

Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our church's children' s chapel on Sundays before the eleven o'clock service.

One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel, the minister came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.

But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the good shepherd, the minister burst into the room and signaled to me that he would be able to do the story time after all.

He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd' s job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.

He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.

Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, "If you are the sheep then who is the shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating himself.

A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor said, " Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd."

The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy, "Well, then, who am I?"

The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug, "I guess you must be a sheep dog."

SOME THOUGHTS (PART 1)
~ 33% say they won't have money to cover their holiday spending...Those people are called Congress. 
~ A biker rally is a really bad time for your car horn to stick. 
~ A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a nice big stack of old bills. 
~ A full year of experience takes a full year of experience. 
~ A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. 
~ Ack! There's too much blood in my caffeine stream! 
~ Actions speak louder than words -- but not nearly as often. 
~ Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it. 
~ Apparently, "vegetarian&qu ot; is an old Indian word for "bad hunter." 
~ Backup is for wimps! SMART wimps! 
~ Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too. 
~ Before you marry a person you should make them use an old computer with slow internet to see who they truly are. 
~ Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy. 
~ Combining a tractor pull and a taffy pull is not as smart as it sounds. 
~ Dad, you've always been like a father to me. 
~ Did you hear about the Christian movie sequel? It's called "Bourne Again." 
~ Do not believe in miracles...rely on them. 
~ Dolphins are so intelligent! Within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. 
~ Don't judge a book by its movie. 
~ Efficiency is intelligent laziness. 
~ Fall seven times, get up eight. 
~ Have you noticed that when someone says "To make a long story short..." it's generally too late? 
~ Help! I keep hitting ESC but I'm still here! 
~ Here's to love - the only fire for which there is no insurance. 
~ His computer is so slow...when he clicks the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of the monitor and a pigeon flies out. 
~ How do you frustrate a T-Rex? Feed him finger food. 
~ How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. 
~ However old you are is the new 30. 
~ I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. 
~ I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. 
~ I just finished writing a Broadway musical about the dictionary. It's the ultimate play on words. 
~ I just wish once someone would call me "Sir" without adding, "You' re making a scene." 
~ I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop any time. 
~ I like the word "indolence. " It makes my laziness seem classy. 
~ I love how we don't even need to say out loud that I'm your favorite child. 
~ I said I have a can-do attitude...I never said I had a will-do attitude. 
~ I tried to catch some fog. I mist. 
~ I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older Then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals. 
~ I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said. 

Read Bro.Larry' s amazing story of his winding road to redemption:
http://www.thelarry mullinaxministries.com

A specialist is someone who knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing.
A General Practitioner is someone who knows less and less about more and more until he knows nothing about everything.
A pathologist is someone who knows more and more about everything until he knows everything about everything. But, it’s too late.

On the Lighter Side 

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue
Netherlands flag to an American. 

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we
talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and
blue after we pay them."

The American nodded, "It's the same in the USA, only we
see stars too!"
  -- Cited on Andychaps The Funnies

I FOUND THIS SO FUNNY
On a street, where the speed is limited to 30 mph the police stop a driver.

"Not only have you been driving too fast, you've been passing cars where it is not allowed. Your lights don't work, your tires all completely worn out. This is surely going to cost you a lot. What's your name?"

"Schtrathewisi zeski Vocgefastilongchini c."

"Well, I'll let you go this time but don't do it again."

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.  Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss."  He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants you to bring her sign back!"

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What&# 39;s the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It' s a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

A woman walking down a residential street, noticed a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. She called out to him as she passed. 

"Hello there! I couldn't help but notice how happy you look. What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he replied. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat nothing but fast food, and never exercise."

"Wow!" The woman was amazed. "How old are you?" she asked.

"Twenty- six," he replied.

TOP 10 WRONG WAYS TO INITIATE YOUR SON INTO MANHOOD

10. Teach him the secret male ritual of leaving the toilet seat up and the toilet paper roll empty.

9. Have a ceremony where you give him his own remote control.

8. Lead him through an afternoon of rigorous physical training in the back yard while you sit in a lawn chair with a half-gallon of ice cream.

7. Eat until you're about to burst and then ride the Screamin' Hurler roller coaster.

6. Put cream on his face and let the cat shave him with its tongue.

5. Walk behind him through his school halls yelling, "You da man!"

4. Send him to the local discount store to buy mom's "personal things."

3. Give him Grandma' s lime green 1978 Ford Pinto with personalized license plates that say, "TUFFGUY. "

2. Send the ladies shopping, then get out your secret Old Yeller video and have a good cry together.

1. Shot put catching.

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES!
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night: "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him. He replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that was hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
…..Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (www.ChristianVoicesWorldwide.net)

How hot is it?

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.


Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street.

The other dog says, "What was that about?"

The dog first dog says, "Oh, I was just checking my messages."

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?! " shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh, no..." says the knight. "Well, you do now."


GRAMMAR OOPS

~ The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.

~ The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.

~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.

~ Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.

~ The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.

~ We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.

~ Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears

The church gossip, and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being drunk after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George on a Sunday morning, in the company of many, that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of her house and left it there all night.

My mother-in-law is not known for her driving skills. So it came as no surprise when she was in another accident a couple of months back. She came out of a side street and ran slam-bang into the town doctor's car.

 

"Oh Doc!" she exclaimed, "I'm so awfully sorry!"

 

"That's perfectly all right," he said, "It was all my fault."

 

"I don't know how you can say that. I'm sure it was entirely my fault."

 

"No, no, ma'am it was my fault. I'll take the entire blame."

 

"But why is it your fault? I ran into you, didn't I?"

 

"Yes, you did. But I saw you driving down-town half an hour ago, and I had plenty of time to take

 

my car home and put it in the garage, but I didn't do it!"

 

…..Docs Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

Passed Note
A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing:

"Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

A junior-high student was studying astronomy and enjoying it greatly.

One morning at breakfast she mentioned, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon."

Her little brother piped up: "Are you gonna let her go, Mom??"

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp.

He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.

The counselor asked, "Why did you bring! an umbrella to camp?"

The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What?! You coming empty handed?"

On the Lighter Side

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who
was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let
you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner
and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his
daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he
gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
"I'm the groom."

-- Cited on www.sermons.com

CHUCKLE
While my wife and I were shopping at a mall kiosk, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed her.

Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in?"