Share your Jokes smiles here

What happens when you fall in love with:

A chef? …..He spices up your life.

A chauffeur? …..In his eyes, you take a back seat to no one.

A gambler? …..He bets his Heart on you.

A telephone operator? …..He reaches out, touches your heart, and you

always have a special connection.

A clockmaker? …..He always makes time for you.

A pastry cook? …..He spends all his dough on you.

A shoe salesman? …..Your sole is lifted up.

An artist? …..He gives you a peaceful, easel feeling.

A jogger? …..He's there for you when you're run down.

Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him.

For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation. "

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

TRUSTING
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...

for example...

A wife comes home late at night from being out of town and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.

Did you say ‘hello’?”



Q: What can a man do while his wife is going
through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When done, you have a place to live.

Q: How can I increase the heart rate of my over-60 year-old mate?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.


Q: How can I avoid that terrible curse of unsightly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.


Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go bra less. It will usually pull them out..


Q: Why should 60-plus people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.


Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.


Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.


Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year
olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember all these!"

AND
A young woman brought her fiance to visit her parents. After a nice dinner, the father invited the fiance to the library for a talk.

"So what are your plans?" he asked the young man.

"I am a seminary students," he replied.

"A seminary student. Hmmm," said the father. "Admirable, but how will you provide a home for my daughter?"

"I will study," the young man said, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her an engagement ring, such as she deserves?"

"I will focus on my studies and God will provide for us."

"And how will you support your children?"

"Don't worry, sir. God will provide."

The conversation continued like this; each time the father questioned, the young man insisted that God would provide.

Later, when the mother asked about the male conversation, the father sighed, "Well, he has no job and no plan, but the good news is: he thinks I'm God!"

MURPHY'S LAWS OF PARENTING
- The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

- The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

- The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

- A sure way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

- For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

- Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.

- Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

Lawyer Laughs
The following questions from lawyers were taken from official records nationwide:

1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

3. Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?

4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6. Were you alone or by yourself?

7. How long have you been a French Canadian?

8. Do you have children or anything of that kind?

9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes
Q: What were you doing at the time?

13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

14. So you were gone until you returned?

15. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there girls?

16. You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

BAD BIRD

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse
vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious
and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude
by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot
and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed
the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John's outstretched arms and said

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude
language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my
inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"

On Monday the minister's little daughter was very naughty, so her mother told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School picnic on Saturday.

For the next few days the girl's behaved so nicely the mother changed her mind and said she could go to the picnic after all. Surprisingly, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

"What's the matter?" asked her mother. "I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic."

"It's too late," said the little girl. "I've already prayed for rain!"

Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck
into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is
dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He
might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog
stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and
sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with
sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a
cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird
from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head,
meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and
said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100%
certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer
terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the
woman..

The duck's owner, still in
shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck
is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If
you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but
with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

KIDS IN GRADE SCHOOL THINK FAST
Part 1

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead - Go Slow."
____________ _

TEACHER: Where would we be today if no one had ever been curious?"
JOHN: In the garden of Eden?
____________ _

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
____________ _

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
____________ _

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
____________ __

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
____________ __

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!

<>< <>< <><
KIDS IN GRADE SCHOOL THINK FAST
Part 2

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________ __

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen...Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right..."I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
____________ _

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE? "
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
____________ _

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
____________ __

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
____________ ___

TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
____________ __

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
____________ __

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'
'The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'
'The third is 'What was the name of the swag-man in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same)..
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'
St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.'
And he walked away shaking his head..
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde..
'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.
Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy?''
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.
Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How on earth did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his Billy boiled.'
And the blonde entered Heaven...

And what's worse .. You're now singing it to yourself .......

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed...
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Christian Football
Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in- Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain!

Bro.Larry shares his amazing story of his road to redemption. Visit:
http://www.thelarrymullinaxministries.com

Fourth Grade Logic
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked,

"To draw out all his savings?"



GET READY TO GROAN.

PUNS FOR "EDUCATED" MINDS ONLY (That's why you're reading it).

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it
turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because
it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind
in his work.



6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat
said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit
me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the
Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No
change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In a democracy it's your vote that counts..In feudalism it's
your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

The new family in the neighborhood overslept, and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus. The father, though late for work, said he would drive her if she'd direct him to the school.

They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time. Several blocks later she told him to turn again. After 20 minutes of turn after turn, they finally reached the school. At that point, the father realized they were only a few blocks from their home. Extremely annoyed, he asked his daughter why she had led him around in such circles.

"But, daddy," the child protested, "that's the way the school bus goes, and it's the only way I know."

I will say this... those southerners have a way with words - love this one!
*************************************************

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:


1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16.. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.Sign here."

An elderly rabbi, having just retired from his duties in the temple, finally decides to fulfill his lifelong fantasy to taste pork.

He goes to a hotel in the Catskills in the off-season (not his usual one, mind you), enters the empty dining hall and sits down at a table far in the corner. The waiter arrives, and the rabbi orders roast suckling pig.

As the rabbi is waiting, struggling with his conscience, a family from his congregation walks in! They immediately see the rabbi and, since no one should eat alone, they join him. Shocked, the rabbi begins to sweat.

At last, the waiter arrives with a huge domed platter. He lifts the lid to reveal nothing else but roast suckling pig with a big apple in its mouth.

"This place is amazing!" cries the rabbi. "You order a baked apple, and look what you get!"

PLACES I'VE BEEN
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART!
Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year. You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person.


My job is done!

Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!
From one unstable person to another:
I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty well in mine!

"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire. '"

Everyone but Philip began to write furiously. He just leaned back in his chair and folded his arms.

"What's the matter, Philip?" the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"

"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.

And
The sales rep, the administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke! The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

Astonished, the sales rep cries out, "Me next! Me next! I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pineapples and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"Okay, you're up," the genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

An African-American preacher in Alabama during the Dust Bowl scheduled a special prayer service to pray for rain. The church was packed out with folks from far and wide.

The preacher stepped into the pulpit, scanned the assembled congregation, and told everyone, "Y'all can head on home. This service is over!"

The people protested, "But we've not prayed for rain!"

"Won't do a lick of good," the preacher replied. "Ain't none of you brought their umbrella!"


A man died and went to The Judgment, where he was told, "Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we've looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"

The newly-arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!"

"Wow that's impressive, "When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago."

CHUCKLE
Passed Note
A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.



The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing:

"Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Helpful Mechanic
Sally told her friend,

"I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

And
Thoughts on Laughter

"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."
-- Victor Borge

"Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects."
-- Arnold Glasow

"Laughter is by definition healthy."
-- Doris Lessing

"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter."
-- Mark Twain

"What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul."
-- Yiddish Proverb

"Laughter is an instant vacation."
-- Milton Berle


…..Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com) by way of "Christian Voices” (www.ChristianVoicesWorldwide.net)

The REAL Three Bears
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Someone's been eating my porridge!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Someone's been eating my porridge!!" he roars.

Momma Bear pokes her head around the corner from the kitchen and yells, "for Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"

"It was Momma Bear who got up first, woke everyone in the house, made the coffee, unloaded the dishwasher, went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, set the table, put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's dish... and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time..." - - - "I haven’t made the porridge yet!!”

Bachelor's Cat
A bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved his cat more than life.

He was planning a trip to England and entrusted the cat to his brother's care. As soon as he arrived in England he called his brother.

"How is my cat?" he asked. "Your cat is dead," came the reply.

"Oh my," he exclaimed. "Did you have to tell me that way?"

"How else can I tell you your cat's dead?" inquired the brother.

"You should have led me up to it gradually," said the bachelor. "For an example, when I called tonight you could have told me my cat was on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting it down. When I called tomorrow night, you could have told me that they dropped him and broke his back, but a fine surgeon is doing all he can for him. Then, when I called the third night, you could have told me the surgeon did all he could but my cat passed away. That way it wouldn't have been such a shock.

"By the way," he continued, "how's Mother?"

"Mother?" came the reply. ......
"Oh, she's up on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting her down!

A worried, anxious traveler was boarding the airplane when he asked the stewardess “Do these planes crash often?”.

The stewardess responded, “Only once!”.



New Disease
------------

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.

"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode."

Without further analysis, the doctor announced that he had diagnosed the ailment.

"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"

"No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common."

"Tell me! What is it?"

"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."


Corporate Lingo in Help Wanted Ads and Responses
----------------------------------

“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY”: (translation)
We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

“COMPETITIVE SALARY”: (translation)
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

“SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE”: (translation)
…who still live with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries.

“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”: (translation)
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up well. A couple of the really daring guys wear earrings.

“JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM”: (translation)
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED”: (translation)
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”: (translation)
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

“DUTIES WILL VARY”: (translation)
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”: (translation)
We have no quality control.

“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”: (translation)
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”: (translation)
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”: (translation)
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”: (translation)
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Responses to Want Ads

“I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION”: (translation)
I’ve used Microsoft Office.

“MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES”: (translation)
I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

“I’M PERSONABLE”: (translation)
I give lots of unsolicited advice to co-workers.

“I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL”: (translation)
I carry a Day-Timer.

“I AM ADAPTABLE”: (translation)
I’ve changed jobs a lot.

“I AM ON THE GO”: (translation)
I’m never at my desk.

“I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED”: (translation)
The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.

“I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON”: (translation)
Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your form letter thanking me “for my interest, and wishing me luck in my future career.”

The Baptist Cowboy
--------------------------------

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Two dogs are walking down the street and one says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back."

He trots across the street, sniffs at a fire hydrant for about a minute, then comes back.

The other dog says, "What was that about?"

The dog first dog says, "Oh, just checking my messages."


AND
You just know this is not going to go well for the lawyer lol


LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no-one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon? '


AND

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there..


'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.


After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young..
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.


In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies,



and
now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten$,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars 10$? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'