On the Lighter Side

On the Lighter Side

Max: "Are you a lawyer?

Fred: "Yes, I am."

Max: "How much do you charge?"

Fred: "Four hundred dollars for four questions."

Max: "Isn't that terribly expensive?"

Fred: "Yes, it is. What's your fourth question?"

On the Lighter Side

Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We
ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we
called the customer support phone number we found in
the manual. 

I picked up the phone and called the number. A man
answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.

He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us
even more. 

"Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should
do as if I were a small child?" 

"Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you
please put your mommy on the phone?"

  -- Cited on ArcaMax.com

On the Lighter Side

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new
colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked
on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel
quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter,
then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing
him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In
the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." 

"Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the
young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" 

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just
here to hook up your telephone." 

-- Cited on ArcaMax.com 

 On the Lighter Side

The Sunday School teacher looked at the boy's drawing
of a manger scene, which included a large dog that was
among the animals. The teacher asked about it. 

"Oh," said the child, "that's a German Shepherd." 

Source: Mickey's Funnies. To subscribe go to:
http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put
it down. 

Source: Mickey's Funnies. To subscribe go to:
http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/

On the Lighter Side

  Tidbits of Wisdom

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move
out of the way much faster now!

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you
really like someone? That's common sense leaving your
body. 

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five
years in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and
renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went
to the Jim this morning.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.
We haven't met yet....

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought 'nap time' was a
punishment. Now, as a grownup, it just feels like a
small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is: "I don't need to
write that down, I'll remember it." 

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just
gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert
advice.

At my age being lucky means walking into a room and
remembering what I came in there for. 

  -- Submitted by Chuck Smith

On the Lighter Side

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign,
hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby
pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a
terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the
medics.

Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he
struggled so. He said, "I remember the impact, then
nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a
huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And somebody was standing
in front of the 'S.'"

  -- Cited on WITandWISDOM 
    http://www.witandwisdom.org/

July 13, 2016
 
HUMOR
 
Missing Piece
 
A friend's daughter received an adorable airport play set as a gift.  Since some assembly - actually, a lot of assembly - was required, her husband spent much of the day putting together the plane, the control tower, the runway, the little baggage chute, and arranging the pieces into a teeny tiny air hub.

As he finished up, his wife noticed he was frantically digging around in the box, checking all the packing materials.

"You are not going to believe this," he said.  "The one piece missing... is the luggage!"

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

. On the Lighter Side

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a
son who lived far away called his brother and told him,
"Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." 

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The
next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he
also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. 

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and
finally the man called his brother again to find out
what was going on. 

"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do
something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

  -- Cited on www.ArcaMax.com

On the Lighter Side

I read about a lady who spent some time in Egypt and
brought back a rather unusual story. She was at a
bazaar on one of Cairo's side streets, and saw a skull
being exhibited. She asked the proprietor about it. He
told her it was the skull of Cleopatra.

Alongside that skull was a smaller one which piqued her
interest.

When she asked about that one, the proprietor said:
"That m'lady is also Cleopatra's--but as a child."

On the Lighter Side

I don't think my postman likes me.

I sent away a film to be developed and on the envelope
it was printed: PHOTOGRAPHS DO NOT BEND.

He folded the envelope in half and wrote on the
outside, "Oh yes they do." 

  Source: Mickey's Funnies. To subscribe go to:
http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/

On the Lighter Side

A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers.
The reason? A billing service had launched a number
that was identical to hers. 

When she called to complain, she was told to get a new
number. 

"I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded.
"Couldn't you change yours?" 

The company refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on,
I'm going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is
paid in full." 

The company got a new number the next day. Don't mess
with seniors! 

Source: Mickey's Funnies. To subscribe go to:
http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/

On the Lighter Side
To celebrate my birthday, my husband and I dressed up
for an evening at the theater. We left our Manhattan
apartment to take the bus downtown, but we didn't have
exact change, so my husband ducked into a store to
break a few dollars.

As I waited, I was approached by a panhandler. He held
out his tin cup and said, "Lady, can you spare some
change?"

"No," I answered. "I'm actually waiting to get some
right now."

Looking as me with surprise, he leaned forward
confidentially and said, "You gotta get a cup."

  -- Cited on Andychaps_the-funnies@yahoogroups.com

On the Lighter Side
To celebrate my birthday, my husband and I dressed up
for an evening at the theater. We left our Manhattan
apartment to take the bus downtown, but we didn't have
exact change, so my husband ducked into a store to
break a few dollars.

As I waited, I was approached by a panhandler. He held
out his tin cup and said, "Lady, can you spare some
change?"

"No," I answered. "I'm actually waiting to get some
right now."

Looking as me with surprise, he leaned forward
confidentially and said, "You gotta get a cup."

  -- Cited on Andychaps_the-funnies@yahoogroups.com

On the Lighter Side

One Sunday morning, a Sunday school teacher was
teaching on how Lot's wife looked back and suddenly
turned into a pillar of salt. 

One little boy raised his hand and said, "Yes, my
mother looked back once while she was driving ... and
she turned into a telephone pole."

Source: Mickey's Funnies. To subscribe go to:
http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/ 

On the Lighter Side

Short Golf Shots

"The only time my prayers are never answered is on the
golf course" -- Billy Graham

"Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels
personally responsible when he makes a hole in one." --
Author Unknown

"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking
up the wrong golf ball." -- Jack Lemmon

"Golf is a game invented by the same people who think
music comes out of a bagpipe." -- Author unknown

"If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left,
it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle." --
Author Unknown

-- Cited in Parables, Etc., 
  Vol. 25, No. 9, Nov. 2005


On the Lighter Side

One night I was tucking my four-year-old son in bed and
told him his nightly Bible story. 

This night it was the story of the prodigal son. We
discussed how he had taken his inheritance early, left
and spent it all on living it up and partying until he
had no money left and had to work on a pig farm where
he couldn't even afford to eat what the pigs ate! He
remembered his father and went back home to ask for a
job and forgiveness. His father welcomed him home with
much joy! 

After we finished the story I asked my son what he
learned and he immediately said, "Never leave home
without your credit card!"

  Source: Mickey's Funnies. 
  To subscribe go to: http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/

On the Lighter Side

The late Dr. Franklin Clark Fry enjoyed telling a story
about women who were overly suspicious of their
husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few
nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with
other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonabe," Adam responded. "You're the
only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to
be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was
Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said eve."

Source: Let Me Illustrate, Albert P. Stauderman, P.117

On the Lighter Side

A cartoon in the New Yorker showed a father scowling
over a very bad report card while his little by stood
by, asking, "What do you think it is, Dad? Heredity or
environment?"

Source: Let Me Illustrate, Albert P. Stauderman, P.117

On the Lighter Side

A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town's
annual picnic. Old friends, they began their usual
banter. 

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased
the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's
against your religion, but I can't understand why such
a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know
what you're missing. You just haven't lived until
you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham.
Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and
try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and
said, "At your wedding." 

Today'sTHOT: I always wanted to be somebody, but I
should have been more specific. 

-- Source: Mickey's Funnies. To subscribe go to:
http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/

On the Lighter Side

One Sunday morning, a Sunday school teacher was
teaching on how Lot's wife looked back and suddenly
turned into a pillar of salt. 

One little boy raised his hand and said, "Yes, my
mother looked back once while she was driving ... and
she turned into a telephone pole."

Today'sTHOT: Why do they report power outages on TV? 

Source: Mickey's Funnies. To subscribe go to:
http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/

. On the Lighter Side

In our home we tend to get the children to help out.
One day our youngest son came in to the living room and
asked, "Does anyone want a cup of coffee?"

"Yes, please," we said.

He asked, "What kind of coffee do you want? Capitated
or decapitated?" 

Source: Mickey's Funnies. Submitted by Jerry Lambert.
To subscribe go to: http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/

On the Lighter Side

I want to be a bear.

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing
but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. 

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself
stupid. I could deal with that too. 

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the
size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to
partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely
deal with that. 

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean
business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If
your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could
deal with that. 

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up
growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and
excess body fat. 

Yup...... I want to be a bear!

  Source: - Cited on ArcaMax.com

On the Lighter Side

A woman was called for jury duty.

When asked about the occupations of family members she
said, "My son is a lawyer."

Later she was asked if she had ever used the services
of an attorney.

"Only to mow my lawn." 

Source: Mickey's Funnies. To subscribe go to:
http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/

On the Lighter Side

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to
him begging. 

Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of
your loudest, most painful screams? 

Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room
right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock
ball game.

  -- Cited on www.arcamax.com 



On the Lighter Side

Johnny: "Do you think people can predict the future
with cards?" 

Jimmy: "My mother sure can. She takes one look at my
report card and tells me exactly what will happen when
Dad gets home." 

Source: Mickey's Funnies. To subscribe go to:
http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/

On the Lighter Side

The pastor is walking down the street one day when he
notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on
a house across the street. The boy isn't very tall and
the doorbell is too high for him to reach. 

After watching the boy's efforts, the pastor steps
across the street, walks up behind the little fellow
and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder
leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. 

Crouching down to the child's level, the pastor smiles
and asks, "And now what, my little man?" 

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!" 

Source: Mickey's Funnies. To subscribe go to:
http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/

On the Lighter Side

Over the massive front doors of a church, these words
were inscribed: The Gate of Heaven." Below that was a
small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other
entrance."

Rev. Warren J. Keating, pastor of the First
Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best
prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the
kind of person my dog thinks I am."

A woman went to the post office to buy stamps for her
Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the
woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."

During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked
the children what "amen" means. A little boy raised his
hand and said: "It means - 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all
folks!'"

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any
order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."

  Cited on Church Life Newsletter 
  http://www.churchlifenewsletter.com 

On the Lighter Side

The woman was delighted by the gift she had received.
She said warmly to the young man, "At church tomorrow,
I'll be sure to thank your mother for this lovely pie."

The boy suggested nervously, "If you don't mind, ma'am,
would you thank her for two pies."

  -- Source: Unknown

2. On the Lighter Side

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. 

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning
at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the
attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." 

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't
give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on
you!"

  -- Cited on andychaps_the-funnies@aol.com

On the Lighter Side

Employed by the human-development center of a
corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees
in proper dress codes and etiquette. 

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man
casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with
her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed
a little casually today, aren't we?"

The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the
company." 

  Source: andychaps_the-funnies@aol.com

On the Lighter Side

My sister, a poor bowler, was talked into joining a
Friday-night league. "Well, how did you do?" I asked
her after her first outing.

"I got one strike," she said, sighing, "but they
wouldn't let me count it. It wasn't in my lane." 

  -- Source Reader's Digest

On the Lighter Side

When going through an airport during one of his many
trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair,
wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you
Moses?" 

The man never answered but just kept staring straight
ahead. 

Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The
man just kept staring ahead, never answering the
President. 

Bush pulled a Secret Service agent aside and pointing
to the robed man asked him, "Doesn't that man look like
Moses to you?"

Again the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man
stared ahead and didn't answer. 

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the
white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses.
Are you Moses?" 

The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am
Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush I
spent 40 years wandering in the desert, and ended up
leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle
East where there is no oil."