On the Lighter Side

On the Lighter Side

A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical
nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm okay but I didn't like the four-letter word the
doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say?" asked the nurse.

"'Oops!'" 

  Source: Mickey's Funnies. 
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On the Lighter Side

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to
preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand
my sermon, I want you all to read Mark chapter 17." 

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his
sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He
wanted to know how many had read Mark chapter 17. Quite
a few hands went up. 

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16
chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin
of lying."

On the Lighter Side

The police make house calls...

My partner and I were in our police car when we were
dispatched to break up a domestic dispute. We spoke
with the couple, and the problem was quickly resolved.

On leaving, I was admiring the craftsmanship of their
turn-of-the-century home and reached for what I thought
was the front door.

Realizing my mistake, I was turning away in
embarrassment when I heard my partner say: "If you have
any more problems, we'll be in your closet."

  -- Cited on andychaps_the-funnes Andychap@aol.com

On the Lighter Side

New Hampshire Wedding

Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I
wanted to add a touch of my home state, Kansas, to the
wedding. My fiancée, explaining this to a friend, said
that we were planning to have wheat rather than rice
thrown after the ceremony. 

Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly,
"It's a good thing she's not from Idaho."* 

  - Cited on ArcaMax.com 

*Non Americans ... Idaho specializes in growing
potatoes.

On the Lighter Side

A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take
some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God.
They were to bring their letter back the following
Sunday. 

One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at
church today. Wish you could have been there." 

On the Lighter Side

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van
in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my
K-9 partner, Bart, was barking, and I saw a little boy
staring in at me. 

"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. 

"It sure is," I replied. 

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back
of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

On the Lighter Side 

Once upon a time there was a shepherd tending his sheep
at the edge of a country road. A brand new Cadillac
Escalade screeches to a halt next to him. The driver, a
young man dressed in a Briani suit, Cerutti shoes,
Ray-Ban sunglasses, Jovial Swiss wrist watch, and a BHS
tie gets out and asks the shepherd, "If I can guess how
many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" 

The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the
sprawling field of sheep and says, "Okay." 

The young man parks the SUV, connects his notebook and
wireless modem, enters a NASA site, scans the ground
using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables
filled with algorithms, then prints a 150 page report
on his high tech mini printer. He then turns to the
shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."


The shepherd answers, "That's correct! You can have
your sheep." 

The young man takes one of the animals and puts it in
the back of his vehicle. The shepherd looks at him and
asks, "Now, if I guess your profession, will you pay me
back in kind?" 

The young man answers, "Sure." 

The shepherd says, "You are a consultant." 

"Exactly! How did you know?" asks the young man. 

"Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came
here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee
to tell me something I already knew. Third, you don't
understand anything about my business ... and I'd
really like to have my dog back."

Source: Mickey's Funnies. To subscribe go to:
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On the Lighter Side

Some of the Best Headlines of 2004

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [no,
really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [now
that's taking things a bit far!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death [Good for them...]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that
works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have
that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have
thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there's
something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge [He
probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they already obese enough?]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [No comment
needed...]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [No thanks...]

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy [Now
that's called giving...]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Ouch!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Tall, aren't
they?]

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.

  -- From ArcaMax.com

. On the Lighter Side

They have a Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now. You can
call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers. 

  -- Cited on Mickey's Funnies. Copyright 2014 Mike
Atkinson
  www.mikeysFunnies.com

July 29, 2015
 
HUMOR
 
What's That Sound?
 
"What is that sound?" a woman asked at our nature center.

"It's the frogs trilling for a mate," Patti, the naturalist, explained. "We have a pair in the science room. But since 
they've been together for so long, they no longer sing to each other."

The woman nodded sympathetically, "The trill is gone."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

On the Lighter Side

Sign seen in a local restaurant: "Unattended children
will be given an expresso coffee and a free puppy."

  Source: From an e-Mail

Child-Like Faith 

Years ago I heard Houston pastor, John Bisango, speak.
He described a time when his daughter, Melodye Jan, age
five, asked for a dollhouse. John nodded and promised
to build her one, then returned to his book. But
glancing out the window, he saw Melodye, arms crammed
with dishes and dolls, making trip after trip until she
had a great pile in the yard. He asked his wife what
she was doing. 

"Oh, you promised to build her a dollhouse, and she
believes you. She's just getting ready for it."

"I tossed aside that book, raced to the lumberyard for
supplies and quickly built that little girl a doll
house," John said. "Why? It was her simple, childlike
faith in his promise."1
1. Robert J. Morgan, The Red Sea Rules, 10 God-Given
Strategies for Difficult Times, Thomas Nelson,
Publishers (Nashville, 2001). Cited on www.sermons.com.

On the Lighter Side

During a practical exercise at a military police base,
the instructor was giving the class instruction in
unarmed self-defense.

After he presented a number of different situations in
which they might find themselves, he asked a student,
"What steps would you take if someone were coming at
you with a large, sharp knife?"

The student replied, "BIG ones."

  Cited on www.ArcaMax.com

On the Lighter Side ... The Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked
by a funeral director to play at a graveside service
for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the
service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova
Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost
and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy
had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were
eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men
for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the
vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else
to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather
around. I played out my heart and soul for this man
with no family and friends. I played like I've never
played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace," the workers began to
weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I
finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my
car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the
workers say, "I have never seen anything like that
before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."

  Author Unknown. Submited by Bill Darling

On the Lighter Side
Fifteen exercises we'd be better off without:

Jumping on the bandwagon,
Wading through paperwork,
Running around in circles,
Pushing your luck,
Spinning your wheels,
Adding fuel to the fire,
Beating your head against the wall,
Climbing the walls,
Beating your own drum,
Dragging your heels,
Jumping to conclusions,
Grasping at straws,
Fishing for compliments,
Throwing your weight around,
Passing the buck.

* * * * * * *

Today's THOT: "If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it
every time." 
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On the Lighter Side

Ten Things Money Can't Buy

1. Manners
2. Morals
3. Respect
4. Character
5. Common Sense
6. Trust
7. Patience
8. Class
9. Integrity
10. Love

Source: Mickey's Funnies. 
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On the Lighter Side 

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 AM by a loud
pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a
push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the
morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3 in the morning and it's pouring
rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't
you remember about three months ago when we broke down,
and those two guys helped us? I think you should help
him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves
drunk people, too, you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out
into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still
there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

On the Lighter Side

Warnings on Labels (worth a re-read if you have already
seen them) 

1. On a blanket from Taiwan: "Not to be used as
  protection from a tornado."
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists: 
  "Remember, objects in the mirror are 
  actually behind you."
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo: "Use repeatedly for severe
  damage."
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink: 
  "After opening, keep upright."
5. On a New Zealand insect spray: "This product not
  tested on animals."
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer: "To 
  avoid condensation forming, allow the boxes
  to warm up to room temperature before opening."
  (Sensible, but the instruction was inside the box.) 
7. In some countries on the bottom of Coke bottles: 
  "Open other end."
8. On a packet of Sun-Maid raisins: "Why not try
  tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?"
9. On a Sears's hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."
10. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No
    purchase necessary. Details inside."
11. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions. Use like
    regular soap."
12. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of
    the box): "Do not turn upside down."
13. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be
    hot after heating."
14. On a Korean kitchen knife: "Warning: Keep out of
    children."
15. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: "For
    indoor or outdoor use only."
16. On a Superman Halloween Costume: "Warning: This 
    costume will not enable your child to fly." 

From Ron Owens over at "The Funny Pharmacy." To
subscribe drop a note to
ajokeaday7-subscribe@topica.com.

. On the Lighter Side

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped
by the police. 

"What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the
cop.

"I juggle them in my act." 

"Oh, yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do
it." 

The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching
the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.
"Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking.
Look at the test they're giving now!"

On the Lighter Side

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's
state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really?" answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Oh, no problem. It's 2:33."

Source: Mickey's Funnies. To subscribe go to:
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On the Lighter Side

My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was
doing. My ten-year-old niece answered the phone.

"Hello," she whispered.

"Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" I asked.

"She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.

"Did she go to the doctor?" I asked.

"Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly.

"Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are
you doing, by the way?"

Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my
trumpet."

  -- Cited on andychaps_the-funnies Andychap@aol.com 

On the Lighter Side

A young odd job man goes to the home of a wealthy
business man.

Ringing on the bell of the grand house, the door opens
and the master of the house inquires what this young
man wants: "Hello Sir, I am looking for work and
wondered if you could give me any odd jobs to do,
gardening or decorating."

The wealthy business man considered for a moment and
said, "Yes my man, I think the porch is in need of a
lick of paint. Can you redecorate it?" 

'Oh no problem Sir, I will do that straight away."

Half an hour later the doorbell rings again and the
smiling young man declares, "I've finished the Porsche.
Do you want me to paint the Mercedes as well?"

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On the Lighter Side

A man appeared at the door and announced, "Ma'am, I'm
the piano tuner."

"I didn't call for a tuner," the pianist said.

"I know, lady," the man said. "Your neighbor did." 

  Source: Mickey's Funnies. 
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On the Lighter Side

  Newspaper Article "Foul-Ups!" 

Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and
lectured on "Destructive Pests." A large number were
present.

The sewer expansion project is nearing completion, but
City officials are holding their breath until it is
officially finished.

The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan
to publish a cookbook. Part of the money will go to the
Samaritan Hospital to purchase a stomach pump.

Columbia, Tennessee, which calls itself the largest
outdoor mule market in the world, held a mule parade
yesterday headed by the Governor. 

The attorney general's office said yesterday that an
autopsy performed on the headless body of a man found
in Mason failed to determine the cause of death.

Weather: Sunny with a few cloudy periods today and
Thursday, which will be followed by Friday.

  -- Source Unknown

On the Lighter Side

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old
family Bible to her brother in another part of the
country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked
the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered
the lady. 

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On the Lighter Side

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his
wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally saved enough
money to buy what we started saving for way back in
2000." 

"You mean a brand-new Mercedes?" she asked eagerly. 

"No," he replies, "a 2000 model Mercedes." 

  Source: Mickey's Funnies. To subscribe go to: 
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On the Lighter Side

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their
conversation was constantly interrupted by people
describing their ailments and asking the doctor for
free medical advice. After an hour of this, the
exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to
stop people from asking you for legal advice when
you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I
send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor
prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a
bill from the lawyer. 

Source: Mickey's Funnies. To subscribe go to:
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On the Lighter Side

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up
the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old
leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?"

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he
answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!" 

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