SPECIAL " BEST OF HUMOR" ISSUE

SPECIAL " BEST OF HUMOR" ISSUE
To avoid any copyright infringement laws and restrictions of use by the authors of the humor, any use of these humor items must be only for “non-profit” purposes, and you must ALWAYS include the author line at the end of EACH respective humor item!

ENJOY!!!
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PRESCRIPTION

Because of an ear infection, my young son, Casey, had to go to the pediatrician. I was impressed with the way the doctor directed his comments and questions to my son. 

When he asked Casey, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Casey nodded and whispered in his ear. 
Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to me. Without looking at it, I tucked it into my purse. 
Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual food drug interaction my son must have. When he saw my puzzled expression, he showed me the label on the bottle. 

As per the doctor's instructions, it read: "Do not take with broccoli." 

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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HOSPITAL PARKING
 
The County Highway Commissioner was driving to the hospital for treatment of his painful knee injury. He decided to take advantage of the hospital's Valet Parking. As he exited his car, a young man with the Valet Parking Company, comes up and asks if this was a government vehicle.

"Yes," the Commissioner replied, surprised by the question. "In fact it's an unmarked police car."
"Wow!" the young man said, sliding behind the wheel. "This will be the first time I've been in the front seat."
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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WINDOW WASHING

There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe. I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"
He said, "I'm a former window washer."
I asked, "When did you give it up?"
He replied, "Halfway down."
…..Copyright 2014 Mike Atkinson (www.mikeysFunnies.com.) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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MISSING PIECE

A friend's daughter received an adorable airport play set as a gift. Since some assembly - actually, a lot of assembly - was required, her husband spent much of the day putting together the plane, the control tower, the runway, the little baggage chute, and arranging the pieces into a teeny tiny air hub.

As he finished up, his wife noticed he was frantically digging around in the box, checking all the packing materials.
"You are not going to believe this," he said. "The one piece missing... is the luggage!"

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)    

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LAMAZE CLASS

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
…..Docs Daily Chuckle (pkaine@woh.rr.com) by way of "Christian Voices” ” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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SATAN AND DRESS

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.
  
"How could you do this!" he exclaimed.
 
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'You look great in that dress. You should buy it.'" 

"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, 'Get behind me, Satan!'" 
"I did," replied his wife. "But then, he said, 'It looks great from back here, too!'" 

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net) 
SALES WITH SCRIPTURE

The owner of an old-fashioned corner grocery store in a small country town was fond of quoting a scripture 
after each sale. He had three old friends that would sit around a potbellied stove, playing checkers on a faded board. His ability to produce a scripture for all occasions never ceased to amuse the old timers, and they would listen to see what verse he would come up with relevant to the sale made. 

A lady purchased some material and he said, "She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands." 
A man bought a sack of flour; he said "Man does not live by bread alone, but every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God." 

A little boy bought some candy and as he rung it up he quoted, "Suffer the little children to come unto Me." 
It was nearly closing time when the chimes over the door jangled loudly. A well-dressed young man, obviously a stranger from one of the larger towns down the road, entered.

"Help you?" offered the proprietor.

"I need a blanket for my horse," said the man. "He's out in his trailer and it's too cold for just one. Bring me the nicest one you've got!"

The store owner went in the back store room and came back with a brown blanket. "That'll be five dollars." 
"Five dollars? You've got to be kidding!' said the man. "This horse is a thoroughbred. He gets only the best! He wouldn't stand still for an old five dollar blanket."

Without comment, the store owner took back the blanket, then merely selected a different color and brought it out. "This one's $25 dollars." 

"Now, look," said the young man. "Perhaps I didn't make myself plain. This isn't just any old horse! He's worth thousands! Now I want the best, most expensive blanket you've got! Comprende?" 

The owner once more went into the store room, pulled out another color of the same material and brought it back. "This is the only one left, and it's $100."
 
"Now that's more like it!" enthused the fellow as he paid. Throwing the five dollar blanket over his shoulder, he left. 
The old timers stared silently at the shopkeeper as they waited to see what possible scripture he could come up with for that sale! 

Going behind the register, he rang up the hundred dollars and said, "He was a stranger, and I took him in.”
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
 
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A KITTEN

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about a pastor. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.

But as he moved a little further forward....the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to Your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." (You can see where this is going). She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws spread out, and landed right in front of her."

…..ChapNotes (ChapnotesMail@aol.com) (http://www.chapnotes.org) by way of "Christian Voices" (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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THANKSGIVING WEATHER

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

…..Copyright 2014 Mike Atkinson (www.mikeysFunnies.com)  by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net

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THESIS PROJECT

There's a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed, blowing a whistle, and then walking off the field.

At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football game, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field.

The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

.....Sermon Fodder by way of "Christian Voices"” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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WHO DID WHAT?

A young Marine and his commanding officer board a train headed to a recruiting mission. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young Marine are interested in each other because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young Marine to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The commanding officer is sitting there thinking: "I didn't think the young Marine was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the Marine kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. When does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time?!"

…..Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com) by way of "Christian Voices"” ChristianVoices@att.net

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WE NOW HAVE A NEW ORGANIST

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

…..Christian Voices"” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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IT IS WHAT IT IS!

Our nephew was getting married to a doctor's daughter. At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a prescription pad.

Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion. But after a particularly long pause, he explained... "I'm really sorry, folks. I can't seem to make out what I've written down."

Looking out into the audience, he asked, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) and “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

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THERE’S A LINE FOR EVERYTHING
                                                                        
On the last night of our childbirth classes, our teacher took us to see the maternity center. We were gathered by the door when a woman, clearly in labor, and her nervous husband came rushing in.

When he saw our group of pregnant women, he panicked: "Oh, my gosh. Look at the size of that line!"

.....Docs Daily Chuckle (pkaine@woh.rr.com) by way of "Christian Voices" ” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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WHAT KIDS THINK OF

A little three-year-old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.
His mother says, "Billy, are you all right? You've been in there for a while."

Billy says, "I'm fine, Mommy. I just haven't gone doody yet."

Mother says, "Okay, you can stay in there a few more minutes, but Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
Billy says, "Works for ketchup!"

…..Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com) by way of "Christian Voices"  (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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C-130 VERSUS F-16

A story my generation appreciates.

The C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think of that?"
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the heck did you do?"

The C-130 pilot chuckled. "I stood up, stretched my legs, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun."

.....Doc's Daily Chuckle (pkaine@woh.rr.com) by way of “Christian Voices” ” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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PREGNANT TURKEY
Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional holiday feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store and asked if my sister wouldn't mind going out to get it.

When my sister left the house, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the mixed stuffing, and inserted a Cornish hen into the turkey cavity...then re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back into the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Barbara, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the entire family almost two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

…..Mikey's Funnies (http://www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of "Christian Voices"” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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PRIEST’S COLLAR
 
A priest was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.

A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.
 
The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.

When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked him, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"

The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)
 
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MONTANA STATE TROOPER

In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below. 

About 3 a.m. one very cold morning, a Montana State Trooper responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana. He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. 

The driver came awake when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. 

The Trooper, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled "Pull Over"! The man nodded, turned his wheel and stopped the engine.

Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour. Who says Troopers don't have a sense of humor?

…..ChapNotes (ChapnotesMail@aol.com) (http://www.chapnotes.org) by way of "Christian Voices" ” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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GETTING THE CLASSES’ ATTENTION

A former Marine sergeant took a new job as a school teacher; but just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alecky punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him. They decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made the teacher's tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that year.

…..ChapNotes (ChapnotesMail@aol.com) (http://www.chapnotes.org) by way of "Christian Voices" ” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, "Shingles."

The doctor asked, "Where?"

Kevin said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?"

…..Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” ” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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TRAIN TICKET

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.

"Watch and learn," answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

…..Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” ” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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FULL SERVICE STOP

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: "I want 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights".

The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen & asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?!"

"No," the cook says, "3 flat tires means 3 pancakes & a pair of headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up."

"Oh," says the waitress. She thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.

The guy says "What are the beans for?"

The waitress replies "I thought that, while you're waiting for the flat tires & headlights, you might want to gas up."

…..Unknown

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THOSE FREE SOAPS WHEN TRAVELING

Attached is some correspondence that actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests.

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman
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Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid
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Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wednesday so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.

Your regular maid, Dotty
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Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
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Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
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Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the heck left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my ONE bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays, which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory, which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:

- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item - I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

…..forwarded by McNair Wilson to Mikey's Funnies (www.mikeysFunnies.com) (funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” ” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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ANSWERING MACHINE

My husband Joe is a police officer in a small town. He receives many phone calls at home about his work and decided to get an answering machine to screen them, especially the threatening or harassing ones.

This is the greeting he prepared: "You have reached the home of a police officer. You have the right to remain silent. If you wish to give up this right, leave your message after the beep. Anything you say can, and probably will, be held against you."

The phone calls became much friendlier.

…..from Da Mouse Tracks by way of Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) and “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

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SPEEDING AND SINGING

If you MUST speed on the highway, sing these hymns loudly:

At 45 MPH: “God Will TAKE Care of You”

At 55 MPH: “Guide Me, O Great Jehovah”

At 65 MPH: “Nearer My God to Thee”

At 75 MPH: “Nearer Still Nearer”

At 85 MPH: “This World is Not My Home

At 95 MPH: “Lord, I’m Coming Home”

At 105 MPH: “Precious Memories”

…..ChapNotes (ChapnotesMail@aol.com) (http://www.chapnotes.org) by way of "Christian Voices" ” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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CHRISTMAS KITCHEN

Patty had been wanting new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband, Don, insisted they were an extravagance.

She went to visit her dad for two weeks and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that Don had surprised her by installing beautiful new cabinets as a Christmas present for her.

A few days later, Debbie, a neighbor came over to visit and after admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, “All of us were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the kitchen.”

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@woh.rr.com) by way of “Christian Voices” ” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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My two daughters were having a discussion about family resemblance.
"I look like Mom," said my nine-year-old, "but I have Dad's eyes and Dad's lips."

The six-year-old said, "And I look just like Dad, but I have light hair." Then she turned to me.

"Mom," she asked, "what does Dad have to do with us being born anyway?"
Her older sister jumped right in. "Don't be stupid, Christina. Dad is the one who drove Mom to the hospital."
…..from AcraMax Joke by way of Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) and “Christian Voices” ” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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THAT FIRST KISS

At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a good night kiss?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"
"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"NO, no. I just can't."
"Pleeeeease? .. "
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"
.....Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com) by way of "Christian Voices"  ” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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GUNPOWDER ON YOUR EGGS
A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his eggs every morning. The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

…..Teddi's Humor (redactatrix@gmail.com) by way of "Christian Voices"  ” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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CHANGE OF CLIMATE
Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. The weathercaster wrote with great honesty, "The climate didn't agree with me."

.....Keith Todd (ktodd@vci.net) (ajokeaday7@topica.com) by way of "Christian Voices" ” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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THE DRUGGIST
A young man went into the drug store and told the druggist he wanted to buy 3 boxes of candy; a one pound box, a 3 pound box, and a 5 pound box. The druggist brought the candy then asked, "I'm curious why you're getting 3 different boxes."
The young man replied, "I have a date tonight with a girl I've been wanting to date for months. I'm going to her house for dinner and, afterwards, if she goes out to sit with me on the swing, I'll give her the 1 pound box; if she lets me put my arm around her, I'll give her the 3 pound box, and if she lets me kiss her, I'll give her the 5 pound box." The druggist agreed that the plan was ingenious.
That night the boy arrived for dinner and, when they sat down to eat, the father asked the boy to ask the blessing. Well, the boy prayed and prayed and prayed until the girl had to elbow him to stop. Afterwards as they sat on the porch swing, the girl said, "I didn't know you were so religious." To which the young man replied, "And I didn't know your Daddy was the druggist."
.....Sermon Fodder and Joke A Day Ministries (http://www.sermonfodder.com) by way of AndyChaps "The Funnies" (andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@yahoogroups.com) and "Christian Voices" ” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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TOP THIS ONE FOR A SPEEDING TICKET
Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off. Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander.
The reply came back in true USMC style: Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming Signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.  Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster. Thank you for your concern.
Semper Fi

.....from Marilyn K to Docs Daily Chuckle (pkaine@woh.rr.com) by way of "Christian Voices" ” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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Worship brings all kinds of responses, as I observed in church recently. An elderly woman was standing with eyes closed and hands raised in prayer and praise. The three-year-old standing in the pew in front of her turned around and gave her a high-five!
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
 
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0-200 IN 6 SECONDS

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning, Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a medium-sized gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back into the house. She opened it and found a brand-new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
..... DOC'S DAILY CHUCKLE (pkaine@woh.rr.com) com) by way of "Christian Voices" ” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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A PHONE CALL FUNNY

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I'm at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500."
"Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000!"
"Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! Before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 ... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. okay?"
"Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye. I do too."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present, "Does anyone know to whom this phone belongs?"
…..Mikey's Funnies (http://www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of "Christian Voices" ” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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WE ARE BUT DUST…..
A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust... "
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
 
..... Sermon Fodder (thesfguy@mchsi.com) (Sermon_Fodder-owner@yahoogroups.com) by way of "Christian Voices" ” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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My sister-in-law decided to go on a diet after a recent trip to the store with her grandson. They'd stopped in front of a pantyhose display, and, as she chose a package, he read out loud: "Q... U ... E ... E ... N ... S ... I ... Z ... E.

Grandma!" he exclaimed, "You wear the same size as our waterbed!"
..... as seen in Today's Christian Woman, and Today's Christian Weekly - Ellen L. Lovate, Phoenix, AZ by way of ChapNotes (ChapnotesMail@aol.com) (http://www.chapnotes.org) and "Christian Voices" ” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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 1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The Finance Committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the Members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if…
           People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were Bass or Catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
When the Pastor says: "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering", and Five guys and Two women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
Opening day of Deer season is recognized as an official Church Holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of"

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The choir is known as the: "O.K. Chorale".

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the Church Directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
People think "Rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The Baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The Choir robes were donated by (and embroidered) with the logo from Billy Bob's BarBeCue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The Collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
Instead of a bell, you are called to 'Service' by a Cabela's duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The minister and his wife drive matching Pickup trucks.

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The Communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou Shall Not Covet" applies to Huntin' dogs, too.

16. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The final words of the benediction are: "Y'all come back now, Ya' hear?".
 
…..Unknown
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PECANS IN THE CEMETARY
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
 
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
 
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me ... "

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

…..ChapNotes (ChapnotesMail@aol.com) (http://www.chapnotes.org) by way of "Christian Voices"  (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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OUT OF ORDER

My goal for 2017 was to lose just 10 pounds... Only 15 to go.
 
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomato sauce. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza for dinner.
 
How to prepare Tofu:
Throw it in the trash.
Grill some Meat.
 
I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
 
I don't mean to brag but... I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
 
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
 
Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel, then walk 9 feet through shag carpet back to my couch.
 
Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
 
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.
 
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented... I forgot where I was going with this.
 
I love being over 65. I learn something new every day... and forget 5 others.
 
A thief broke into my house last night... He started searching for money... so I woke up and searched with him. 
 
I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
 
…..Tim’s Inspiration (timlevin@gmail.com) by of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

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CRUISIN’ WITH A SQUIRREL

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect that I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzail" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular ... He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest.

Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing!

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have.

The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque! This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.

The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.
 
The squirrel screamed in anger.

The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.

I screamed in … well … I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle ... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face
helmet with me.

As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however.

The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand. I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of ... so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T- shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams.

They weren't mine ...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really ... except for two things.

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.

That was one thing. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids!

…..as seen in From Myrtle Beach (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/frommyrtlebeach/) by way of CUP O'CHEER (cupocheer@sc.rr.com) and "Christian Voices"(ChristianVoices@att.net)