Some HUMOR

HUMOR
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked upbehind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. "What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the nameLaura Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name ofone of the horse I bet on," He explained "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked upand hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, whichknocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "Why did you hit me this time?"

She replied......."Your horse called."
.....Chap Notes

HUMOR
Is This The Way It Is - Or Does It Just Seem That Way?
No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."
You don't have detention, you're just one of the"exit delayed."
Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive." These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speedbumps."
Your homework isn't missing, it's just having an "out-of- notebook experience."
You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."
You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time." You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebelliousfollicle syndrome."
You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athleticfootwear."
No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the
discreet exchange of penned meditations."
You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on amandatory field trip to the admin building."
It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestivelychallenged."
Students don't attend school anymore, they go to "attendance centers."
.....LAUGHTER FOR A SATURDAY - Ed "in West Texas"

Anne McConne and... *Times Have Changed** *
Trying to explain to our five-year-old daughter how much computers had changed, my husband pointed to our brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house. Wide-eyed, our daughter asked, How big was the mouse? --
Received from: DailyInbox Presents

HUMOR IN UNIFORM * **While on leave,* my Marine buddy and I met two nursing students from Southern California. After chatting them up awhile, the conversation turned to what we did in the service. When we told them we were in the infantry, the girls seemed very impressed, giving us big smiles as they told us how sweet that was. Since infantry and sweet are seldom used in the same sentence, I was a little confused. Until, that is, one of the girls said, "We admire any man who works with infants." --
Taeven Thompson
and... * **We were asleep* in our cots at Bagram Air Base in Afghanistan when exploding enemy rockets woke us up. My platoon and I threw on our fatigues, grabbed our weapons and ran to the bunker for protection. Inside the bunker, one nervous soldier lit up. "Put that cigarette out!" I ordered. "Yeah, forget the rockets," said another soldier as more rounds rocked the bunker. "That secondhand smoke'll kill ya." -- SSG James Kellert Received from: America In Uniform

DRESSED FOR THE OCCASION During my surgical residency I was called out of a sound sleep to the emergency room. Unshaven and with tousled hair, I showed up with an equally unpresentable medical student. In the ER we encountered the on-call medical resident and his student, both neatly attired in clean white lab coats. The resident said to his student, "You can always tell the surgeons by their absolute disregard for appearance." Two evenings later, I was at a banquet when called to the ER for yet another emergency. I was stitching away - wearing a tuxedo - when I encountered that same medical resident. He looked at me, then said to his student, "Sure is sensitive to criticism, isn't he?"

and... PROPER ENGLISH Jimmy was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Jimmy answered. "I'd like to talk to your mother or father," said the teacher. "Sorry, but they ain't here," he told her. "Jimmy!" she said, "what is it with your grammar?" "Beats me," Jimmy replied, "but dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again!"

and... PLAIN TALK An Infantry General was visiting troops in Europe. Since he was a General, and thus very important, he was given a chopper with a warrant officer to fly it to ferry him from unit to unit. They had been visiting units most of the day and the General came back to the chopper only to see the engine torn apart and the warrant deep in the inner workings of the chopper. The general asked the warrant what was wrong and the warrant, as warrants do, launched into an extremely complex and detailed technical explanation of exactly what was wrong with the engine. The general listened to him for a couple of minutes and then said "Stop! Now Chief, you're paid for your technical expertise and skill, and its obvious you have that, but the other thing you need to do is to be able to communicate to others what's wrong in terms they can understand. Now what I want you to do is to tell me what's wrong with that chopper in words I can understand." The warrant thought for a moment and then got a big grin on his face. "OK General", he said, "I think I can do that." Then thewarrant officer turned around, pointed at the helicopter, and grunted "UGH, BROKE!"

and...
CUPCAKE? Meggie came home from grade school one day and told her dad that she wanted to be a cupcake. Scratching his head, her daddy asked, "Why do you want to be a cupcake?" "I want to join the girls and earn badges and go to camp," said Meggie. Her dad grinned and said, "Honey, you don't want to be a cupcake. You want to be a Brownie."

CLEAN LANGUAGE AND GOLF
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?" "Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?" "Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"
and...
HEARING VOICES A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific." The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar. "Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?" "Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."
Received from: The Good Clean Funnies

PRAYER
The Kindergarten Sunday School class was discussing "prayer", and the children seemed aware that the way you end a prayer was with "amen." Does anyone know what "amen" means, the teacher asked. There was a long silence. Then one little boy piped up, with appropriate, computer-age gestures, and said, "Well, I think it means, like, "Send."
Received from: Merry Hearts

Some humor about seniors from Bill in Germany


TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!
(Unfortunately it probably will)

LOST IN THE DAMNEDEST PLACES

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator! ' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard,' he says.

'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _


FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year old

draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,

'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.'

She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer ....'
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

LITTLE LADY:


OLD FRIENDS:

Now this one is just too Precious... !

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared

all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the

other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time,

but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.

Please tell me what your name is '

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he

heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Ernie, I just heard on the news

that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Ernie, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the

dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight

was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to

herself, 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light

had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.

So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through

three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'


Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!

HUMOR
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is nowgrowing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and afterthey are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. HANDKERCHIEF:Cold Storage.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.