Hillel Fuld Post

Please read the below heartfelt post on X in order to understand what it’s like to live in Israel these days! By Hillel Fuld

This is not going to be my typical “We are winning” post.

I know I play the tough guy. Most Israelis do.

But we’re all in a deep state of shock and devastation. Some Israelis won’t admit that publicity. Others don’t even realize it themselves.

I’ve met several organizations and people over the past few weeks that are starting to think about the day after from a mental health perspective.

But let me tell you a little bit about what it’s like to be an Israeli and a Jew as we wrap up 2023.

I wake up every morning with a heart that weighs a thousand pounds. I open my WhatsApp while holding my breath asking God to please not let one of today’s IDF casualties be a family member.

You see, I have several family members in the IDF. As soon as I see the names and one of them is not Fuld, I exhale. And then the guilt goes to work.

“What’s wrong with you, Hillel?! Why are you relieved? Someone else just lost their father or husband! Why are you so selfish that all you care about is your family?!”

And then I remind myself that I’m allowed to be thankful that I don’t need to be re-traumatized, that I can’t handle more bad news, that my family can’t.

Ok, I put the guilt to rest. For now.

I then spend the rest of the day trying to fight lies about Jews on the internet and spread positivity wherever I can.

For me to do that, I need to avoid seeing or reading about the Hamas atrocities at all costs. That requires a LOT of effort. They’re everywhere.

If I fail and I read or view something, it takes me hours to be able to snap out of it. It kills me and triggers me horribly every single time.

As the day progresses, more soldiers critically injured, more casualties, more trauma, more PTSD. And on the digital front, more lies, more blood libels, more lunatics going viral with there lies about Israel.

I try to take a breather and shut down my social media apps so I can clear my mind but that doesn’t last long because I feel like I have a job to do.

So I jump right back in. Into the mud. The poison. The hatred. I’m surrounded by it. All the lies. The propaganda. The hate speech. The pictures of Hitler and the calls for my death and the death of my family.

I block. A lot. But it seeps in. Because I’m human.

And then the sun sets. I grab a bite and try to decompress. I fail. The sadness is just too overwhelming. Too all-encompassing.

I give up. I put my phone down and try to clear my head with some Netflix and hope to fall asleep, and if I’m really lucky, I sleep through the night without nightmares.

And then? It’s morning. Rinse. Repeat.

We might all play macho but this is how most of us feel. It’s unbearable.

We will win this war but then we’ll have to fight another war immediately, the war back to mental health. Not sure which war will end up being more challenging.

This entire country is in deep trauma. We weren’t wired for this level of evil and cruelty. We don’t know how to handle it, how to digest it, and how to battle it.

We are going to have to learn fast, because I don’t want to think about the alternative.

Pray for us. It’s a long road ahead.

(Hillel Fuld)