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“CHRISTIAN VOICES”
 
December 9, 2015
 
HUMOR
 
Christmas Presents
 
When my son, Terrence, was four years old, he piqued everyone's interest when he placed a childishly wrapped package under the tree for each family member.

On Christmas morning, Terrence looked on with joy and expectation as we opened his gifts. There were exclamations of "I thought I'd lost that!" and "So that's where that went!"

When we asked Terrence why he had wrapped our favorite items, he replied, "Because I knew it was something you would really want!" 

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR
                      
 
Civilian Clothes
 
My friend received a package from the Navy containing the civilian clothes her son was wearing when he left for boot camp. 
 
Not wanting to open the box, she put it away. This cracked up her husband, who accused her of being 
a sentimental old fool. 
 
"I'm not sentimental," she shot back. "I'm realistic. His shoes, socks and underwear have been inside that box for two weeks, and I'm not going to be the one to open it!"

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
 
***********

Directions
 
The new family in the neighborhood overslept and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.
The father, though late for work himself, had to drive her. 

Since he did not know the way, he said that she would have to direct him to the school. They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes...but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.

The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she'd led him around in such a circle.

The child explained, "That's the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It's the only way I know."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

October 28, 2015
 
 
HUMOR
 
WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED
 
Your last name stays put.
 The garage is all yours.
  Wedding plans take care of themselves.
   Chocolate is just another snack.
    Car mechanics tell you the truth.
     You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
      Wedding dress - $5,000. Tuxedo rental - $100.
       New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
        Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
         A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
          If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
           Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
            Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
             Everything on your face stays its original color.
              The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
               One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons.
                You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
                 You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
                  You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
 
…..Unknown brought to you by “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

October 21, 2015
 
 
HUMOR
 
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer down a trail back to their truck.

Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you what to do, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one man said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther away from the truck!"

…..Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

October 7, 2015
 
 
HUMOR 
 
Chocolate Chip Cookies and Children's Church
 
During our church's worship service, the pastor invites all the young children to join him near the altar for the "Children's Moments Sermon."

One day, with seven small children in attendance, he spoke about the ingredients required to make up a church, using a chocolate-chip cookie as an example.

He explained to the children that, as with a cookie requiring ingredients such as sugar and eggs, the church needed ingredients to make up the congregation.

Holding a cookie aloft, he asked, "If I took the chocolate chips out of this cookie, what would I have?" 

A shy six-year-old raised his hand. "Six less grams of fat," he replied.

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

August 19, 2015
 
 
HUMOR
 
A Math Funny
 
Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol.  The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it.  "I teach math there," I explained. 

The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here's a problem.  A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance,  what’s her total cost?" 

I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who 
hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I'd say zero." 
 
He handed me back my license. "Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down." 

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR
 
New Cab Driver
 
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over.

The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.

The startled passenger said, "I didn't mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something."

The Taxi driver said, "It's not your fault sir. It's my first day as a cab driver.

I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years!

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR
 
Shorty
 
My Italian American friend is very self-conscious about his height, or lack thereof. So I always steer clear of the subject. 

One day, he and I went to lunch at a Sub shop. "I'll take the Italian," he said to the guy behind the 
counter. "Salami, Provolone, and peppers."  

Do you want a full hero or half one?" came the reply. 

"Ah... gimme a half," my friend says. 

After placing our orders, we took our seats. A few minutes later, my friend grimaced when we heard... "Small Italian, your order is up!"

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR
 
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.

Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.

Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

“CHRISTIAN VOICES”
 
 July 8, 2015
 
 
HUMOR
 
Worship Response
 
Worship brings all kinds of responses, as I observed in church recently. An elderly woman was standing with eyes closed and hands raised in prayer and praise. The three-year-old standing in the pew in front of her turned around and gave her a high-five!

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

July 1, 2015
 
 
HUMOR
 
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" 

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms.
 
…..Copyright 2014 Mike Atkinson (www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR
 
Speed Trap
 
My sister Candice's husband drove right into a radar trap. And because Candice was following him in her car, the police officer nabbed her too. 

After the officer had written up one ticket, he approached Candice. Her defense was that she was merely following her husband. When that appeal failed, she tried another tack: 
"Do you give family discounts?"
 
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net).

On the Lighter Side

An elderly woman walked into the local country church.
The friendly usher greeted her at the door. "Where
would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row, please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said.
"The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No," he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," she said.

"Good," he answered. 

  -- By way of AndyChaps "The Funnies" 
  andychaps_the-funnies@aol.com

HUMOR
 
Ever wonder how confusing the English language can be.  Here are some commonly used OXYMORONS: ((contradictory words)
 
Alone together
Artificial intelligence
Clearly misunderstood  
Exact estimate          
Found missing    
Large minority
Legally drunk
Plastic silverware
Pretty ugly            
Random order
Small crowd
Soft rock
Temporary tax increase
Terribly pleased
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Working vacation
 
…..Mikey’s Funnies (http://www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR
 
Concert Program

When my youngest daughter was three, she begged to be allowed to attend a concert with her older sister and brother.  She assured me she was a big girl and would behave herself.

As we took our seats in the orchestra hall, I handed programs to the kids. Following the lead of her older siblings, my three-year-old opened her program, and in her most grown-up voice said, "Mommy, I'll have the chicken, please..."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR
 
Recently in traffic court, a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed policeman had given his okay for the man to park there.

The judge asked the man if he would recognize the officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would.

The judge then said, "Good. When you see the officer again, tell him he owes you $157. Next."

…..Copyright 2014 Mike Atkinson (www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR
 
Parking Solution
 
A pastor of a two-church parish had to drive every Sunday morning about 4 miles from the 9:30 service at one church to the 11 o'clock at the other. He would often find the parking lot of the second church full, and be forced to park down the road and race to the church on foot.

The problem was finally solved when he selected a parking spot near the side door of the church and posted a sign that read.....   "You Park - You Preach."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR
 
A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department suspected he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.
 
     Agent: "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them."
 
          Farmer: "All right. I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board."
 
     Agent (scribbling on note pad): "Anybody else?"
 
          Farmer: "Yeah, there's a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."
 
     Agent: "Aha! I want to talk to that half-wit!"
 
          Farmer: "You're talkin' to him."

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible
for most of your troubles, you wouldn't be able to sit
down for a month. 

Source: Mickey's Funnies. To subscribe go to:
http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/

A guy was driving around the back woods of Kentucky and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog for Sale’
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. ‘You talk?’ he asks. ‘Yep,’ the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
‘So, what’s your story?’
The Beagle looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services… the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is ‘The Devil Dogs.’
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s such a liar… He never did any of that stuff.
He was in the Navy, served in submarines!

HUMOR
 
Signs Found in Kitchens...
 
·       A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 
·       A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression
     He Just Cleaned The Whole House. 
·       A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen...
     And This Kitchen Is Delirious
·       Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. 
·       Countless Number Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead
     Normal Lives.
·       Help Keep the Kitchen Clean - Eat Out.
·       Housework Done Properly Can Kill You.
·       My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines.
·       Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
 
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR
 
Medical Records
 
As an expert witness in the healthcare profession, I have come across the following quotes from actual medical records dictated by physicians. For you MD's, excuse me!

*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

*Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

*The patient has no past history of suicides.

*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

*Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

*The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

*The patient refused an autopsy.

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)