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Post  Admin on Tue 23 Jun 2015, 10:28 pm

On the Lighter Side

An elderly woman walked into the local country church.
The friendly usher greeted her at the door. "Where
would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row, please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said.
"The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No," he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," she said.

"Good," he answered. 

  -- By way of AndyChaps "The Funnies" 
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Post  Admin on Thu 18 Jun 2015, 10:52 am

HUMOR
 
Ever wonder how confusing the English language can be.  Here are some commonly used OXYMORONS: ((contradictory words)
 
Alone together
Artificial intelligence
Clearly misunderstood  
Exact estimate          
Found missing    
Large minority
Legally drunk
Plastic silverware
Pretty ugly            
Random order
Small crowd
Soft rock
Temporary tax increase
Terribly pleased
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Working vacation
 
…..Mikey’s Funnies (http://www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Thu 11 Jun 2015, 8:04 pm

HUMOR
 
The Will
 
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.  His nurse, and his wife, are with him.  He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
 
My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair house. My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end. My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre. Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
 
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
 
Sarah replies, "Property ? .... He had paper routes!"
 
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)


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Post  Admin on Mon 08 Jun 2015, 10:01 pm

HUMOR
 
Concert Program

When my youngest daughter was three, she begged to be allowed to attend a concert with her older sister and brother.  She assured me she was a big girl and would behave herself.

As we took our seats in the orchestra hall, I handed programs to the kids. Following the lead of her older siblings, my three-year-old opened her program, and in her most grown-up voice said, "Mommy, I'll have the chicken, please..."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Thu 04 Jun 2015, 9:24 am

HUMOR
 
Recently in traffic court, a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed policeman had given his okay for the man to park there.

The judge asked the man if he would recognize the officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would.

The judge then said, "Good. When you see the officer again, tell him he owes you $157. Next."

…..Copyright 2014 Mike Atkinson (www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Thu 28 May 2015, 7:08 pm

HUMOR
 
Parking Solution
 
A pastor of a two-church parish had to drive every Sunday morning about 4 miles from the 9:30 service at one church to the 11 o'clock at the other. He would often find the parking lot of the second church full, and be forced to park down the road and race to the church on foot.

The problem was finally solved when he selected a parking spot near the side door of the church and posted a sign that read.....   "You Park - You Preach."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Tue 26 May 2015, 7:49 am

HUMOR
 
A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department suspected he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.
 
     Agent: "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them."
 
          Farmer: "All right. I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board."
 
     Agent (scribbling on note pad): "Anybody else?"
 
          Farmer: "Yeah, there's a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."
 
     Agent: "Aha! I want to talk to that half-wit!"
 
          Farmer: "You're talkin' to him."
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Post  Admin on Sat 23 May 2015, 2:48 pm

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible
for most of your troubles, you wouldn't be able to sit
down for a month. 

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Post  Admin on Thu 21 May 2015, 11:25 pm

A guy was driving around the back woods of Kentucky and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog for Sale’
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. ‘You talk?’ he asks. ‘Yep,’ the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
‘So, what’s your story?’
The Beagle looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services… the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is ‘The Devil Dogs.’
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s such a liar… He never did any of that stuff.
He was in the Navy, served in submarines!
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Post  Admin on Thu 21 May 2015, 6:29 pm

HUMOR
 
Signs Found in Kitchens...
 
·       A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 
·       A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression
     He Just Cleaned The Whole House. 
·       A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen...
     And This Kitchen Is Delirious
·       Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. 
·       Countless Number Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead
     Normal Lives.
·       Help Keep the Kitchen Clean - Eat Out.
·       Housework Done Properly Can Kill You.
·       My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines.
·       Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
 
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Mon 18 May 2015, 10:04 am

HUMOR
 
Medical Records
 
As an expert witness in the healthcare profession, I have come across the following quotes from actual medical records dictated by physicians. For you MD's, excuse me!

*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

*Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

*The patient has no past history of suicides.

*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

*Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

*The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

*The patient refused an autopsy.

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Thu 14 May 2015, 3:04 pm

Share your Jokes smiles here - Page 7 LOL2DRofl
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?" The boy answered yes.
Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree."
…..Copyright 2014 Mike Atkinson (www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Wed 13 May 2015, 5:44 pm

HUMOR
 
Farewell...
 
The staff at our office was hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague.  As we prepared to go to the restaurant, we discovered that the giant balloon we purchased for the retiring 'guest of honor' wouldn't fit in the car. 

Determined to bring it along, we simply held the balloon out the window as we drove to the luncheon 
location. However we weren't prepared for the glares and dirty looks we were getting from pedestrians and adjoining cars at every intersection. As the long line of traffic in front of our vehicle 
began to turn, we discovered that our car was right behind a long funeral procession. 

There was really nothing we could do but hold on to our balloon with its large farewell message: "GONE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN" 

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Thu 07 May 2015, 6:36 pm

HUMOR
 
Big God
 
One day on the way home from church a little girl turned to her mother and said, "Mommy, the preacher's sermon this morning confused me."

The mother said, "Oh! Why is that?

The girl replied, "Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?"

"Yes, that's true," the mother replied.

"He also said that God lives within us. Is that true too?"

Again the mother replied, "Yes."

"Well," said the girl. "If God is bigger than us and he lives in us, wouldn't He show through?"

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Mon 04 May 2015, 8:55 pm

New Grandmother
 
As a new grandmother, I am very protective of my daughter Meredith's baby girl. One cool afternoon I dropped by to see my grandchild. Meredith and a friend had taken little Allison for a walk in her stroller and were just coming up the street.  As soon as they reached me, I bent down to admire Allison and, in my fussiest voice, remarked, "Your little head is cold. You should have a hat on."

My daughter looked knowingly at her friend and said, "You owe me ten bucks."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Thu 30 Apr 2015, 6:53 pm

Old Doc Carver
 
Old Dr. Carver still made house calls.  One afternoon, he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he’d gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer"?

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage and returned with a hammer.  The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked, 
"Do you have a chisel"?

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.  In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver and a hacksaw.

The last request got to Mr. Tuttle.  He asked, "What are you doing to my wife"?  "Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can’t get my medical bag open."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Mon 27 Apr 2015, 11:15 am

Help Thyself 

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of
her kindergarten students put his boots on? He asked
for help, and she could see why. With her pulling and
him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When
the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She
almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure
enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was
putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
together they worked to get the boots back on--this
time on the right feet. He then announced, "These
aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face
and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted
to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the
ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my
brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She
mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet
again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He
said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots."1 

I can't help but wonder how many of my problems are
either caused or greatly increased because of my
foolishness or what I have done! 

  Cited by Alan Smith, www.TFTD-online.com
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Post  Admin on Fri 24 Apr 2015, 4:50 pm

Sidewalks

For years my husband, Tim, and I had complained bitterly about the lack of sidewalks in our small town, observing often that if only we had sidewalks, we would walk daily and become models of fitness. So we were thrilled when a community sidewalk project was announced, and watched eagerly as paving neared completion.

Then wishful thinking and reality collided. 

"Well, dear," Tim said. "What'll we use as an excuse for not walking now?"

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Tue 21 Apr 2015, 9:46 am

HUMOR
 
Fear of Flying
 
Michelle kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit. "No way am I getting 
on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.

"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or 
in the air."

"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the 
pilot's time to go."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Wed 15 Apr 2015, 11:16 pm

HUMOR
 
Ladder


My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. 

Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back."

With that, he responded, "Tell you the truth; it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's." 

…..Mikey’s Funnies (http://www.mikeysFunnies.com.html
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Post  Admin on Mon 06 Apr 2015, 6:08 pm

HUMOR
 
Pupil: "Teacher, can a fellow be punished for something he hasn't done?"

Teacher: "No, of course not."

Pupil: "That's good, because I haven't done my homework."

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Post  Admin on Thu 02 Apr 2015, 12:23 pm

HUMOR
 
The Substitute Teacher

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker.  I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"
Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support.
"Are you okay?" I asked.  "Can I help?"

He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."
 
…..from Pastor Tim (You Make Me Laugh) by way of Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) and “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)


AND
A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her and loved her deep in my heart." 
"That's wonderful," says St.Peter, "that's worth two points." 
"Two points!?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service." 
"Terrific!" says St.Peter. "That"s certainly worth a point." 
"One point!?!! Well, I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans." 
"Fantastic, that"s good for two more points," he says. 
"Two points!?!! Exasperated, the man cries, "At this rate the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God." 
"Bingo! 100 points! Come on in!"
 
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Post  Admin on Mon 16 Mar 2015, 11:25 am

HUMOR
 
Calling the Bank
 
My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone "Josh" at the bank about my account. So, I called my bank and the operator asked me what Josh's last name was, and I explained that he hadn't left his last name.

When she asked for his department, I said that I didn't know.

"There are 1,500 employees in this building, ma'am," she advised me rather sharply.

After a few more brusque comments, I was becoming angry so I asked her for her name.

"Danielle," she said.

“And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give out last names."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Fri 13 Mar 2015, 9:51 am

HUMOR
 
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." 

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?" 

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

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Post  Admin on Wed 11 Mar 2015, 10:41 am

Parking Space
Recently my son, Patrick, and I found ourselves short on time and looking for a parking space at the mall. "Angels, we're in a bit of a hurry and would like very much to find a space near the entrance," I said.
“I don't know about all that, Dad," Patrick said uneasily. 
I started to launch into a little sermon about how God always helps those who ask him, when I saw Patrick's arm shoot out and point toward the front of the mall. "Look! A space!" 
Sure enough, right by the entrance.
As I was pulling in, Patrick wondered whether it was all just one big coincidence.  "Then again," he said, "maybe it was the angels. Check that out!" 
 
The license plate on the car across from us read "Amen." 

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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