Share your Jokes smiles here

HOW TO CONFUSE SANTA CLAUS
~ Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

~ Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

~ While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

~ Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

~ Leave Santa a note explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

~ Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

~ Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

~ Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

~ Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

Read Bro.Larry's amazing story of his winding road to redemption:
http://www.thelarrymullinaxministries.com

Newspaper Classifieds
(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

20. Stock up and save. Limit: one.

19. Illiterate? Write today for free help.

18. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

17. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

16. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

15. Great Dames for sale.

14. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

13. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

12. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

11. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

10. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

9. Man, honest. Will take anything.

8. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

7. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

6. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating

5. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

4. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

3. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

2. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

1. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!

Read Bro.Larry's amazing story of his winding road to redemption:
http://www.thelarrymullinaxministries.com

I picked this up at Managers Helping Managers Group

A post from Teach who bring us some howlers.
This gave me a chuckle and worth sharing.

Title ot yet

I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England. My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food served at the hospital.

We often took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients who didn't want to eat them.

One night a woman brought a pie to the kitchen and said to me, "Would you eat this up, love?"

Another student and I devoured every delicious crumb!

Soon our benefactor returned, however, and asked, "Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?" (hot yet?)

THOUGHT PROVOKING - INSPIRATIONAL
DO YOU KNOW GOD?
"When my son was a small boy playing with his buddies in the back yard, I overheard them talking one day -- and the conversation was, amusingly, one of those 'My dad can whip your dad' routines.

"I heard one boy proudly say, 'My dad knows the mayor of our town!' Then I heard another say, 'That's nothing -- my dad knows the governor of our state!" Wondering what was coming next in the 'program of bragging,' I presently heard a wonderfully familiar voice (that of my own little son), saying, 'That's nothing -- my dad knows God!"

"I swiftly slipped away from my place of eavesdropping with tears running down my cheeks. I dropped on my knees in my room and prayed earnestly and gratefully, 'Oh, God, I pray that my boy will always be able to say, "My dad knows God."
by Hilding Halverson
We do tend to take pride in who we know, don't we? "I went to school with Michael Jordan." "I grew up with Faith Hill." "I once shook hands with Mel Gibson." There is a sense in which we take on some of the prestige and the importance of those whom we know.

Of all the people you may claim to know, I pray that God is one of them.
"Now by this we know that we know Him, if we keep His commandments." (I John 2:3)
Have a great day!

These test answers were allegedly submitted by grammar school teachers around the country. I don't think you can make them up!!

* One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

* Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil.

* Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

* Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.

* It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.

* Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name.

* The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East, and the sun sets in the West.

thank you FOR mhm group
https://2img.net/h/i14.photobucket.com/albums/a306/Dunggate/ADAILYs/TAGSaved/ethert-1.jpg
SNAGGED
https://2img.net/h/i14.photobucket.com/albums/a306/Dunggate/ADAILYs/TAGSaved/BS10112-1-1.jpg
HUMOR
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket .
…..Teddi’s Humor

redactatrix@gmail.com) by way of "Christian Voices” (www.ChristianVoicesWorldwide.net)

Top Ten Signs You Are In For A Long Sermon

10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.

9. The pews have camper hookups.

8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.

7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.

6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.

5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.

4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.

3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.

2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.

And The Number One Sign You Are In For A Long Sermon

1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the super bowl" but it's only September!
Read Bro.Larry's amazing story of his winding road to redemption:
http://www.thelarrymullinaxministries.com

"Daddy, where did I come from?", seven-year-old Rachel asked.

It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly.

"Does that answer your question?" the mom asked.

"Not really," the little girl said. "Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."

About "reeding" and "righting!"
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Source: Mickey's Funnies,
http://www.mikeysFunnies.com

Asia was by far my favorite destination,” the woman bragged at the party, though she had never been out of the United States. “Enigmatic and magical, beautiful beyond belief. And China, of course, is the pearl of the Asian oyster.”
“What about the pagodas?” a man besides her asked. “Did you see them?”
“Did I see them? My dear, I had dinner with them.”


AND
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her pastor she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart.

"Walmart?" the pastor exclaimed. "Why Walmart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone, smiled and replied: "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

It's Groaner Time
A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes quit the police force and bought a farm.

"What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the police chief asked the farmer-to-be.

"Carrots and potatoes," the man replied.

"Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief.

"Because," answered the ex-detective, "I've always been fond of undercover crops."

HUMOR
MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing wel
3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
7. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those, who got there first.
8. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
9. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

…..Keith Todd (ktodd@vci.net) by way of "Christian Voices” (www.ChristianVoicesWorldwide.net)

One Liners
Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,"Where's the self-help section?"She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

"Has there been any insanity in your family?" "Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."

Why did you hit your husband with a chair?" "I couldn't lift the table."

"What do you use for washing dishes?""Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best."

One of those blonde jokes.
Linda meets up with Jill as she is picking her car up from the mechanic.
Linda asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"
Jill replies, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

My Mother Taught Me ………
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE:
"Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."

……Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com) by way of "Christian Voices” (www.ChristianVoicesWorldwide.net)

Todays Groaner

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time.

Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community. And, he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate.

One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top. So, he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him. To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.

"But, you're an expert. Andy, I really need your help," said the warden.

"Gosh, Warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

Todd's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Todd replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Todd interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet."

A man was driving through town, when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.& nbsp; Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

You can't fix stupid.

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish?

It was the first camping experience for Jed.
As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and dishevelled.

"What happened?" asked a fellow camper.

"I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Jed.

The camper laughed and retorted, "A black snake isn't deadly."

"Listen," groaned Jed, "If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he is!"

I collected these from another site where I am a moderator Source/Member Teach Pass it on.

Top British Joke
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man replies: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold the monkey for you".

The favourite British word-play was as follows:

Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum". Doctor: "I've got some cream for that".
**********************************

Top Franco-Belgian-Danish joke
An alsation went into a telegram office, took a blank form, and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof". The clerk politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another woof for the same price". "But", the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all".
****************************************

Top US Canadian Joke
Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we don't end our sentences with prepositions". Texan: "Okay - so where are you from, jackass?"
**********************************

Top Aussie/Kiwi Joke
This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very worried. She says: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face. What's wrong with me, doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes and then calmly says: "Well I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight .."

The Funniest Joke in the world?
In October 2002, a British organisation called Laughlab announced the conclusion of a year-long international study to discover the funniest joke in the world. They found that the British, Irish, New Zealanders and Australians prefer a play on words; that the French, Belgians and Danes have a taste for the surreal and Freudian; that Americans and Canadians enjoy jokes showing one group's superiority over another; and that Germans have the broadest sense of humour because they find almost anything funny.

The following joke was found to be the most popular world-wide:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods, when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead. What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead". There is silence; then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
Boss joke
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

10 Reasons to go to Work Naked
10. No-one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. It's an inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. You can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And ... drum roll ... the Number One reason to go to work naked :

1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!" ever again.

Fortunate Man
A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."
The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my son."

This is one of those jokes that you change the politician and the location and you have a fresh usable joke to suit your location.
*****************
A woman was playing golf alone at the Mississauga Golf & Country Club when she took a big swing, slipped and fell.

The party waiting behind her was a group from Queen's Park that included Dalton McGuinty.

Having seen the lady fall, Dalton quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.

She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm Dalton McGuinty and I hope you'll vote for me in the next election."

She laughed loudly and quickly said, "I fell on my butt, not my head."

Wanna hear a blonde joke?
An old, blind Marine Gunnery Sargent wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Marine, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Marine.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............


'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot..

'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love, 'and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police


'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.


AND

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You are not sure these are jokes

It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.

As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"

The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"

"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Bernice."

"Bernice is your wife?" Asked the baker.

"What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"

Did I Read That Sign Right?????
Golf Club Sign

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
5. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
6. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
7. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
8. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
9. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
10. WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did I read that sign right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER....... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No".

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile".

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday……...."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"

My five-year-old son squealed with delight when he opened his birthday present from his grandmother. It was a water pistol. He promptly ran to the sink to fill it.



"Mom," I said. "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water pistols?"
My mom smiled and said, "Yes, I remember!

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the game warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of a cave. The game warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the game warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, boy!" the warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the game warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

Olympic Joke
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland" he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England" he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland" he says, "Fencing."

Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I' ll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.


HOT IN ONTARIO
I know parts of Canada and the US have had very hot dry weather - this is for them.
*****************
T'S SO HOT in Ontario.....

.....the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
.....the trees are whistling for the dogs.
.....the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance
.....hot water comes from both taps.
.....you can make sun tea instantly.
.....you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
.....the temperature drops below 90 F and you feel a little chilly.
.....you discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car (one on each hand).
.....you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
.....you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
.....you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 5:30 A.M.
.....your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?
.....you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
.....the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
.....the cows are giving evaporated milk.
.....farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
IT'S SO DRY in Ontario that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving rain checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!