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HUMOR
 
Farewell...
 
The staff at our office was hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague.  As we prepared to go to the restaurant, we discovered that the giant balloon we purchased for the retiring 'guest of honor' wouldn't fit in the car. 

Determined to bring it along, we simply held the balloon out the window as we drove to the luncheon 
location. However we weren't prepared for the glares and dirty looks we were getting from pedestrians and adjoining cars at every intersection. As the long line of traffic in front of our vehicle 
began to turn, we discovered that our car was right behind a long funeral procession. 

There was really nothing we could do but hold on to our balloon with its large farewell message: "GONE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN" 

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR
 
Big God
 
One day on the way home from church a little girl turned to her mother and said, "Mommy, the preacher's sermon this morning confused me."

The mother said, "Oh! Why is that?

The girl replied, "Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?"

"Yes, that's true," the mother replied.

"He also said that God lives within us. Is that true too?"

Again the mother replied, "Yes."

"Well," said the girl. "If God is bigger than us and he lives in us, wouldn't He show through?"

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

New Grandmother
 
As a new grandmother, I am very protective of my daughter Meredith's baby girl. One cool afternoon I dropped by to see my grandchild. Meredith and a friend had taken little Allison for a walk in her stroller and were just coming up the street.  As soon as they reached me, I bent down to admire Allison and, in my fussiest voice, remarked, "Your little head is cold. You should have a hat on."

My daughter looked knowingly at her friend and said, "You owe me ten bucks."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

Old Doc Carver
 
Old Dr. Carver still made house calls.  One afternoon, he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he’d gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer"?

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage and returned with a hammer.  The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked, 
"Do you have a chisel"?

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.  In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver and a hacksaw.

The last request got to Mr. Tuttle.  He asked, "What are you doing to my wife"?  "Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can’t get my medical bag open."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

Help Thyself 

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of
her kindergarten students put his boots on? He asked
for help, and she could see why. With her pulling and
him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When
the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She
almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure
enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was
putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
together they worked to get the boots back on--this
time on the right feet. He then announced, "These
aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face
and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted
to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the
ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my
brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She
mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet
again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He
said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots."1 

I can't help but wonder how many of my problems are
either caused or greatly increased because of my
foolishness or what I have done! 

  Cited by Alan Smith, www.TFTD-online.com

Sidewalks

For years my husband, Tim, and I had complained bitterly about the lack of sidewalks in our small town, observing often that if only we had sidewalks, we would walk daily and become models of fitness. So we were thrilled when a community sidewalk project was announced, and watched eagerly as paving neared completion.

Then wishful thinking and reality collided. 

"Well, dear," Tim said. "What'll we use as an excuse for not walking now?"

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR
 
Fear of Flying
 
Michelle kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit. "No way am I getting 
on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.

"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or 
in the air."

"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the 
pilot's time to go."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

 

My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. 

Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back."

With that, he responded, "Tell you the truth; it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's." 

…..Mikey’s Funnies (http://www.mikeysFunnies.com.html) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR
 
Pupil: "Teacher, can a fellow be punished for something he hasn't done?"

Teacher: "No, of course not."

Pupil: "That's good, because I haven't done my homework."

…..Mikey’s Funnies (http://www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net

HUMOR
 
Calling the Bank
 
My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone "Josh" at the bank about my account. So, I called my bank and the operator asked me what Josh's last name was, and I explained that he hadn't left his last name.

When she asked for his department, I said that I didn't know.

"There are 1,500 employees in this building, ma'am," she advised me rather sharply.

After a few more brusque comments, I was becoming angry so I asked her for her name.

"Danielle," she said.

“And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give out last names."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR
 
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." 

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?" 

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

…..Mikey’s Funnies (http://www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR
 
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. 

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog. Everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?" 

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." 

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you -- we also deliver."

…..Mikey’s Funnies (http://www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR
 
Mr. Frobisher had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

HUMOR
 
Deejay

Our son Sam was a deejay at a university radio station. During one shift, he ran through his material faster than expected. He asked listeners for requests, but no one phoned.  So Sam played a few more wild hard-rock numbers and asked for calls after each one, but still no response. 

Finally he got serious with his audience. "Okay," he said, "if I don't get any requests, I'll play something my parents would like."

The phone rang immediately. 

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

On the Lighter Side

A couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but
social workers have doubts about their suitability.

So they produce photos of their 50 foot motorhome, the
back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the
education that would be provided.

"We've employed a fulltime tutor who'll teach the child
all the subjects along with Mandarin and IT skills."

There are then doubts expressed about the child's
healthy upbringing.

"Our fulltime nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare
and diet," they reply.

The social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what
age of child they were hoping to adopt.

"It doesn't really matter," they say, "so long as he
fits nicely into the cannon."

  Source: Mickey's Funnies. 
  To subscribe: http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/

February 5, 2015


HUMOR
 
A man in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.

"Aw, Dad, it's okay," the son said.  "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

…..Mikey’s Funnies (http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/contact.html) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR

First Music Lesson 

The first graders were attending their first music lesson. The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it.
 
The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute and wrote, "Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note to tell you I'm fine."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR

The boys had been up in the attic together helping with some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey Mom, what's this?"

"Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.

"Well, what does it do?" they queried.

"I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.

"WOW!" they exclaimed, "That's really cool. But how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?"

"There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug."

"Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted.

"It doesn't need batteries either," she continued.

"Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"

…..Copyright 2014 Mike Atkinson (www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR

One morning Emma woke up with a start.  Her husband Jim asked what was the matter.  She told him, "I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day.  What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," Jim said.

That evening, Jim came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, Emma opened it, only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

…..Copyright 2014 Mike Atkinson (www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR
 
Flight Delay Announcement
 
A passenger on a Southwest flight says that he once faced a flight delay just before they boarded.

A flight attendant picked up the microphone and announced:  "We're sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we're having to do it by hand. We should be finished and on our way shortly."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

A husband and wife went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade, listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on - neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.

The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days, I play golf."

…..Copyright 2014 Mike Atkinson (www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

December 15, 2014
 
HUMOR
 
Sunday school children were asked to draw their rendition of the Christmas story. 

Most of the kids drew manger scenes to include the shepherds, angels, the star, the baby Jesus in the manger as would be expected. Little Jimmy proudly showed his picture of a jetliner. There were 4 distinct faces looking out the windows. 

When the Sunday school teacher asked Jimmy to explain the drawing, he said it was the "flight out of Egypt." He pointed to the one face and said "that is Joseph," another face was Mary, the little face of course was Jesus. 

The teacher asked him who is the face in the front of the plane. Jimmy replied, "It's Pontius, the pilot, of course."

…..Copyright 2014 Mike Atkinson (www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

November 27, 2014
 
HUMOR

THANKSGIVING WEATHER
 
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F.  The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. 

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy. 

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator. 

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

…..Copyright 2014 Mike Atkinson (www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)