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November 24, 2014
 
HUMOR
 
Travels
 
At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a yearlong research project in India.

One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short.  "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

A lady was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. 

After the service, she walked up to a very sleepy-looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." 

The gentleman replied, "You're not the only one ma'am, I'm glad he's done, too!"

…..Copyright 2014 Mike Atkinson (www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

November 10, 2014
 
HUMOR
 
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, "Shingles." 

The doctor asked, "Where?"

Kevin said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?"

…..Copyright 2014 Mike Atkinson (www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

November 3, 2014
 
HUMOR
 
Free Will
 
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and 
the pastor tried to put him at ease.
 
When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause. 
 
Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes!"
 
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR
 
There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe. I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"

He said, "I'm a former window washer."

I asked, "When did you give it up?"

He replied, "Halfway down."

…..Copyright 2014 Mike Atkinson (www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

Swimming Pool

Early in the summer, our three-year-old daughter, Elizabeth, was invited by our next-door neighbors to play with their four-year- old son, Charles in his new kiddie swimming pool. 

I put Elizabeth's bathing suit on her, and off she went. A few minutes later, she arrived at our doorstep without any clothes on. 

I was surprised to see her return so soon and asked her why she had taken off her bathing suit.

"It got wet!" Elizabeth replied. 

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

On the Lighter Side

A young pastor was invited to speak at a conference in
which there were multiple speakers. He was honored at
the opportunity to speak and felt that this would be
his first real break for recognition outside the
confines of his own congregation.

At the beginning of the conference the auditorium was
packed. During the course of the event, the crowds
dwindled, and when it was his turn to speak, there was
only one man left. Nonetheless, the preacher had come
to preach, and preach he did. At the conclusion of his
sermon, he walked down and thanked the man for coming
to listen to his sermon.

"Oh," said the man, "I didn't come to hear you speak;
I'm the final speaker."

October 23, 2014
 
HUMOR

Two men met recently and struck up a conversation. One was telling the other about some problems he was having with one of his kids. 

After a while the other guy said, "You think you have family problems? Get a load of my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. 

"Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson. That made me grandfather of my half-brother. 

"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. 

"I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my own grandfather. Wow! You think you have family problems."
 
…..Copyright 2014 Mike Atkinson (www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR

An expectant mom let her 4-year-old place his hand on her belly and feel the baby kick.

He asked, "How does the baby get out of there?"

To keep it simple, she just said, "The doctor will help."

His eyes widened: "You've got a doctor in there, too?!"

…..Copyright 2014 Mike Atkinson (www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

Teasing
 
My grandson, Justus, age 10, and his sister Taylor, age 13, were always teasing each other. 
 
One day, Justus was getting "sensitive" about things his sister was saying to him.
 
I reminded him that he had said the same types of things many times in days past.
 
With quiet reflection, he spoke a gospel truth.  "But it doesn't hurt as much coming out of my mouth as it does going into my ears."
 
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

On the Lighter Side

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese. 

  -- Submitted by Darrin Simpson

October 13, 2014
 
HUMOR

HUSBAND: Honey, do you love me just because I inherited a fortune from my father?

WIFE: Of course not, darling! I would love you regardless of who left you the money.

…..Copyright 2014 Mike Atkinson (www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape.

So I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. 

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

…..Copyright 2014 Mike Atkinson (www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

On the Lighter Side

How do you decide on whom to marry? (Written by Kids)

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you
like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip
coming." -- Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who
they're going to marry. God decides it all way before,
and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
-- Kristen, age 10 

  Source: Mickey's Funnies. To subscribe go to:
http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/

Max: "Are you a lawyer?

Fred: "Yes, I am."

Max: "How much do you charge?"

Fred: "Four hundred dollars for four questions."

Max: "Isn't that terribly expensive?"

Fred: "Yes, it is. What's your fourth question?"

…..Copyright 2014 Mike Atkinson (www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
 
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
 
The Lord replies, "A minute."
 
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
 
The Lord replies, "A penny."
 
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
 
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
 
…..Copyright 2014 Mike Atkinson (www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

On the Lighter Side

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think
Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" 

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two
worms." 

Source: Mickey's Funnies. To subscribe go to:
http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/

September 22, 2014
 
HUMOR

A man went grocery shopping with his son.  They had the cart, they had the list...

Then the father whispered to the child, "You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."

…..Copyright 2014 Mike Atkinson (www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR

Meeting

Long, unproductive meetings are often the curse of corporate life. 

My very funny boss at the software company where I worked has come up with what just might be the perfect way to cut business conferences short before they start rambling out of control. 

There comes a time when he announces, "All those opposed to my plan say, "I resign." 

End of meeting.

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR

Selecting a Jury

As a court clerk I am well-versed in the jury-selection process.  First, a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day.  Then, another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom.  Then, the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.

During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 1 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.

"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 12 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything."

Both were excused.

  

 
HUMOR

Gripe

A mayor of a small town passed out pens imprinted with the message "Got a gripe? Call the mayor".

One morning the phone rang and his secretary answered it. 

"Who was that?" the mayor asked.

"A citizen with a gripe," came the reply. "The pen you gave him doesn't work." 

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

. On the Lighter Side

A man in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school,
made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.

"Aw, Dad, it's okay," the son said. "The police car
right behind us did the same thing."

  Source: Mickey's Funnies. To subscribe go to: 
  http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/

On the Lighter Side

A little girl was watching her daddy repair his
tractor.

She asked her mother, "What happens to old tractors
when they finally stop working?"

Sighing, her mother answered: "Someone sells them to
your father, dear." 

  Source: Mickey's Funnies. 
  To subscribe go to: http://www.mikeysFunnies.com/sub/

“CHRISTIAN VOICES”
 
September 1, 2014
 
HUMOR

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. 

"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in.

At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

…..Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

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