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February 29, 2020
 

HUMOR
 
Bee in a Bus
 
A bee flew into the bus and began buzzing menacingly against the window next to me and the man seated ahead of me. For several unnerving minutes I debated what I should do until my fellow passenger decided to dispatch the insect with the paperback book he'd been reading. After several unsuccessful swats, one blow hit its mark. 

"I'm glad you got it," I told the man.
 
He smiled sheepishly as he showed me the title of the book he had used: “Random Acts of Kindness”. 
 
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle-help@freegroups.net) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

HUMOR

Single

On our way to the ski hill, my friend's children decided to "find me a man" by the end of the day. The kids did their best to let it be known I was unmarried and to introduce me to anyone who was skiing alone and therefore, in their minds, single. To my great relief they finally got bored with their mission and charged off on their own.

I then made my way to the chair lift. As I moved near the front of the line, a gentleman close to my age said "Excuse me, but are you single?"

Groaning inwardly, I said, "Yes, but despite what you may have heard, I'm really not looking to get married."

He looked at me oddly. "All I want is someone to share the chair lift with." 

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

December 12, 2019


HUMOR

Christmas Shopping

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?" 

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant. 

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" 

"Before the store opened." 

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

December 4, 2019

HUMOR

You Better Be Good

Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.
 
Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when children fight. This had little impact.
 
"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really Sarah's aunt; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.
 
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.
Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, dear?"
In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister this year."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

HUMOR

Pilgrim Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. 

Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers." 
 
"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "So why is their dad carrying that rifle?" 

…..Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.mikeysfunnies.com)by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

November 13, 2019
 
HUMOR

Small Town Emergency

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked. "Both!" was the reply.
 
"We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

…..Pat Kaine (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

HUMOR

My Forgetter

My forgetter's getting better
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say, "What am I here for?"
I rack my brain, but all in vain
A zero is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

…..Pat Kaine (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

October 30, 2019
 
HUMOR

License Picture
 
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. 
 
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man: "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

…..Pat Kaine (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

HUMOR

Vice-President Pride 

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!" 

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. 
A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?" 

The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?" 

…..Pat Kaine (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

September 18, 2019                                                      
 
HUMOR

IMPORTANT DATES

Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on.

I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced. 
"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked. 

"Have you tried a wife?" he replied. 

…..Pat Kaine (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

HUMOR
 
Dogs and Computers – Same or Different
 
Favorite Food
    Dogs: kibbles
    Computers: bits
Method used to end undesirable behavior
    Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper
    Computers: hit control-alt-delete
After destruction of personal property
   Dogs: dog not found
   Computers: file not found
Favorite trick
    Dogs: roll over
    Computers: play dead
Fun way to mess with their heads
    Dogs: peanut butter on roof of mouth
    Computers: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive
Consequence of virus
    Dogs: replace valuable carpeting
    Computers: replace valuable data
Waste disposal tool
    Dogs: pooper-scooper
    Computers: CCleaner
Sensitive internal procedures
    Dogs: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional
    Computers: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed one kind of like this
            once
Method of marking territory
    Dogs: lifting leg
    Computers: "Designed for Windows"
Unique behavior
    Dogs: lick and drag
    Computers: click-and-drag
Inexplicable physical feature
    Dogs: declaw
    Computers: scroll lock key
Estimated life
    Dogs: 12 years
    Computers: 12 months
 
…..Pat Kaine (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

September 4, 2019
 
 
HUMOR

The New Preacher
With sermon preparations and anxiety, the new preacher had gotten very little sleep the week before he was to address his flock for the first time; so by Sunday morning, he was both exhausted and extremely nervous. Nevertheless, he managed to make it up the few steps onto the platform and into the pulpit.

However, he had barely begun his presentation when everything he had planned to say flew right out of his mind. In fact, his mind went totally blank. Then he remembered that in seminary they had taught him what to do if a situation like this ever arose: "Repeat your last point, and let it remind you of what's coming next." 

Figuring this advice couldn't hurt, he recalled the very last thing he'd said, and repeated it: "Behold," he quoted, "I come quickly." Still his mind was blank. He thought he'd better try it again: "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing. 

He tried it one more time - but in his panic, he pronounced the words with such force that he lost his balance, fell forward, knocked the pulpit to one side, tripped over a flower arrangement, and fell into the lap of a little old lady in the front row. Flustered and embarrassed, he picked himself up, apologized profusely, and started to explain what had just happened. 

"That's all right, young man," said the little old lady kindly. "It was my fault, really. You told me three times you were on your way down here. I should have just gotten out of your way!"

…..Pat Kaine (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

August 28, 2019
 
 
HUMOR
 
Moving Smith
 
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. 
 
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
 
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
 
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
 
…..Pat Kaine (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

August 21, 2019
 
HUMOR
 
Sermon
 
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.
 
About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!" 
 
…..Pat Kaine (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

August 14, 2019
 
 HUMOR
 
Clothes 
Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's room, a mother finally laid down the law. Each item of clothing she had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents.
 
By the end of the week, he owed her $7.50. She received the money promptly, along with a 50 cent tip and a note that read:
 
"Thanks, Mom. Keep up the good work!”
 
…..Pat Kaine (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

July 24, 2019
 
 
HUMOR
 
Diet Additive
 
During one of our weekly weight-loss classes, the group leader was extolling the merits of the program's prepared-food products.
 
She raved about the rich, delicious flavor of the imitation chocolate fudge and the nondairy pops, assuring us that we could eat them without the least fear of ruining our diets.
 
The woman next to me nodded her head emphatically and then whispered, "They're even better when you spread peanut butter on them!"
 
…..from You Make Laugh by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

July 17, 2019
                                                                 
HUMOR
 
Doll Play 

Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well-known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case. 
 
The class went off in groups to practice. 
 
As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"

HUMOR


The Blind Pilot
In these days when flying has become humorless, here's a short tale that may make you smile.
 
A plane was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would reboard in 30 minutes.


Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. You could tell the man was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. It was obvious he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" 


The blind guy replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs."
 
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! 


The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!


…..Pat Kaine (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

July 3, 2019
 
HUMOR
 
Marked Luggage
 
Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags. He always did this carefully, with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well-dressed man. 
 
Mr. Smith pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides. "Were your bags marked like this?", he asked. 
 
"Actually", the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage." 
 
…..Pat Kaine (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

June 26, 2019
 
HUMOR
 
Can We Help
 
My partner and I pulled our police cruiser up behind a car stopped on the shoulder of the highway. We got out and asked the driver if we could help. 
 
No, he replied, there was no trouble; he had just stopped to look at a map. 
 
When we turned back, we noticed that his German shepherd had jumped in the open passenger-side front window of our car.
 
"You may think there's no trouble," I smiled, "but your dog obviously thinks he's done something wrong. He's in our patrol car." 
 
He laughed. "He probably thinks you've come to take him to work," he replied. "He's a retired police dog."
 
…..Pat Kaine (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

June 26, 2019
 
HUMOR
 
Can We Help
 
My partner and I pulled our police cruiser up behind a car stopped on the shoulder of the highway. We got out and asked the driver if we could help. 
 
No, he replied, there was no trouble; he had just stopped to look at a map. 
 
When we turned back, we noticed that his German shepherd had jumped in the open passenger-side front window of our car.
 
"You may think there's no trouble," I smiled, "but your dog obviously thinks he's done something wrong. He's in our patrol car." 
 
He laughed. "He probably thinks you've come to take him to work," he replied. "He's a retired police dog."
 
…..Pat Kaine (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

June 19, 2019
 
HUMOR
 
Vice President Pride
 
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
 
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"
 
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
 
A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
 
The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"
 
…..Pat Kaine (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

June 12, 2019
 
HUMOR
 
Guest Speaker
 
We recently had a guest speaker at our church. He is from India, part of an organization that our church supports.
 
Before he started his sermon, he asked if anyone had called any customer support numbers recently. 
 
When several people in the congregation raised their hands, he said, "That's good. That means you won't have too much trouble understanding my accent." 
 
…..Pat Kaine (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

June 6, 2019
 
 HUMOR
 
T-Shirt Slogans
 
"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (Seen on an 8 year old)
 
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
 
"Procrastinate Now."
___________________________________________________________


Baby
 
Three months after the birth of my first child, I finally managed to get to the supermarket alone. As I stood in the check-out line with my full cart, someone tapped me on the 
shoulder and asked, "How old is your baby?" 
 
I turned around and was surprised to see an unfamiliar face.
 
"How do you know I have a baby?" I asked.
 
"Because," she replied with a smile, "You're rocking your groceries and humming 'Hush
Little Baby.'" 

…..Pat Kaine (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)