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Post  Admin on Wed 24 Jul 2019, 9:28 am

July 24, 2019
 
 
HUMOR
 
Diet Additive
 
During one of our weekly weight-loss classes, the group leader was extolling the merits of the program's prepared-food products.
 
She raved about the rich, delicious flavor of the imitation chocolate fudge and the nondairy pops, assuring us that we could eat them without the least fear of ruining our diets.
 
The woman next to me nodded her head emphatically and then whispered, "They're even better when you spread peanut butter on them!"
 
…..from You Make Laugh by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Thu 18 Jul 2019, 3:22 pm

July 17, 2019
                                                                 
HUMOR
 
Doll Play 

Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well-known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case. 
 
The class went off in groups to practice. 
 
As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"
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Share your Jokes smiles here - Page 2 Empty The Blind Pilot

Post  Admin on Wed 10 Jul 2019, 3:46 pm

HUMOR


The Blind Pilot
In these days when flying has become humorless, here's a short tale that may make you smile.
 
A plane was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would reboard in 30 minutes.


Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. You could tell the man was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. It was obvious he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" 


The blind guy replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs."
 
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! 


The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!


…..Pat Kaine (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Thu 04 Jul 2019, 9:06 pm

July 3, 2019
 
HUMOR
 
Marked Luggage
 
Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags. He always did this carefully, with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well-dressed man. 
 
Mr. Smith pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides. "Were your bags marked like this?", he asked. 
 
"Actually", the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage." 
 
…..Pat Kaine (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Wed 26 Jun 2019, 10:43 am

June 26, 2019
 
HUMOR
 
Can We Help
 
My partner and I pulled our police cruiser up behind a car stopped on the shoulder of the highway. We got out and asked the driver if we could help. 
 
No, he replied, there was no trouble; he had just stopped to look at a map. 
 
When we turned back, we noticed that his German shepherd had jumped in the open passenger-side front window of our car.
 
"You may think there's no trouble," I smiled, "but your dog obviously thinks he's done something wrong. He's in our patrol car." 
 
He laughed. "He probably thinks you've come to take him to work," he replied. "He's a retired police dog."
 
…..Pat Kaine (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Wed 26 Jun 2019, 10:43 am

June 26, 2019
 
HUMOR
 
Can We Help
 
My partner and I pulled our police cruiser up behind a car stopped on the shoulder of the highway. We got out and asked the driver if we could help. 
 
No, he replied, there was no trouble; he had just stopped to look at a map. 
 
When we turned back, we noticed that his German shepherd had jumped in the open passenger-side front window of our car.
 
"You may think there's no trouble," I smiled, "but your dog obviously thinks he's done something wrong. He's in our patrol car." 
 
He laughed. "He probably thinks you've come to take him to work," he replied. "He's a retired police dog."
 
…..Pat Kaine (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Wed 19 Jun 2019, 11:04 pm

June 19, 2019
 
HUMOR
 
Vice President Pride
 
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
 
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"
 
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
 
A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
 
The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"
 
…..Pat Kaine (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Wed 12 Jun 2019, 2:06 pm

June 12, 2019
 
HUMOR
 
Guest Speaker
 
We recently had a guest speaker at our church. He is from India, part of an organization that our church supports.
 
Before he started his sermon, he asked if anyone had called any customer support numbers recently. 
 
When several people in the congregation raised their hands, he said, "That's good. That means you won't have too much trouble understanding my accent." 
 
…..Pat Kaine (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Thu 06 Jun 2019, 11:15 am

June 6, 2019
 
 HUMOR
 
T-Shirt Slogans
 
"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (Seen on an 8 year old)
 
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
 
"Procrastinate Now."
___________________________________________________________


Baby
 
Three months after the birth of my first child, I finally managed to get to the supermarket alone. As I stood in the check-out line with my full cart, someone tapped me on the 
shoulder and asked, "How old is your baby?" 
 
I turned around and was surprised to see an unfamiliar face.
 
"How do you know I have a baby?" I asked.
 
"Because," she replied with a smile, "You're rocking your groceries and humming 'Hush
Little Baby.'" 

…..Pat Kaine (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Thu 30 May 2019, 5:49 pm

May 29, 2019
 
HUMOR
 
Cruises for Seniors
 
Miriam has never been on a cruise before.
 
One day, she meets her friend Lucy and they stop for a chat. "So where are you and Sam going for your holidays this year?" asks Lucy. 
 
"I'd like to try out a cruise, Lucy," replies Miriam, "but I'm not sure whether Sam and I would enjoy ourselves. We're almost 80 now and Sam thinks cruising is for younger people.
 
"No, you're wrong in thinking that, Miriam," replies Lucy.
 
"Most cruise ships have special design features just for senior citizens."
 
"So give me an example, please," says Miriam.
 
"Well...OK," replies Lucy, "They have bifocal portholes." 
 
…..Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Fri 24 May 2019, 2:11 pm

May 23, 2019
HUMOR
Costume Party
 
The last thing my friend Christy was prepared for was an invitation to a costume party. Eight and a half months pregnant, she was in no shape for any conventional costume.

Still, she wanted to go, so she painted a big yellow circle on an extra-extra-large white T-shirt, dug a pair of red devil horns out of her kids' Halloween junk pile...and went as a deviled egg.

…..Cup O'Cheer (cheer316@sc.rr.com) by way of “Christian Voices’ (christianvoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Wed 08 May 2019, 8:09 pm

HUMOR
 
Pilot
 
As one of relatively few female airline pilots, I've often been mistaken for a flight attendant, ticket agent or even a snack-bar employee. Occasionally people will see me in uniform and ask if I'm a "real" pilot. Still others congratulate me for making it in a male-dominated field. 
 
One day, I was in the restroom before a flight. I was at the sink, brushing my teeth, when a woman walked through the door and looked over at me. "My sister would be so proud of you!" she remarked. 
 
I figured her sister must be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why. 
 
Replied the woman, "She's a dentist.” 
 
…..Pat Kaine (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Wed 08 May 2019, 6:56 pm

A Pleased Psychic

I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and punched him in the nose. You can probably guess the rest.

I was arrested for striking a happy medium.
Share your Jokes smiles here - Page 2 Behapp10
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Post  Admin on Mon 06 May 2019, 5:17 pm

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants, arrive.
St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I'll be right back."
St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.

God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."

"The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

"No. The Pearly Gates."
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Post  Admin on Wed 01 May 2019, 9:45 pm

May 1, 2019
 
HUMOR
 
Heart Sounds
 
A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones' chests would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe. But she never got a response to equal four year old David's. Gently he tucked the stethoscope in his ears and placed the disk over his heart. 
 
"Listen", she said, "What do you suppose that is?"  
 
He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap-tap-tapping deep in his chest. Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin. "Is that Jesus knocking?" he asked. 
 
…..Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Tue 30 Apr 2019, 8:58 pm

On the Lighter Side
The late Dr. Franklin Clark Fry enjoyed telling a story
about women who were overly suspicious of their
husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few
nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with
other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonabe," Adam responded. "You're the
only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to
be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was
Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said eve."

Source: Let Me Illustrate, Albert P. Stauderman, P.117
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Post  Admin on Wed 17 Apr 2019, 11:25 am

April 17, 2019
 
HUMOR
 
Jeans
 
I spotted several pairs of men's Levi's jeans at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. 
So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head.
 
"I'm still wearing the 33s," he said. "Come back next year."
 
……Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@welovegod.org) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Wed 17 Apr 2019, 9:21 am

PASSOVER JOKES.
World’s Greatest Passover Jokes
Apr 14, 2019  |  by Mark Miller
https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Worlds-Greatest-Passover-Jokes.html?s=mm
World’s Greatest Passover Jokes
What army base is off limits on Passover? Fort Leavenworth.

There’s so much about Passover to appreciate – the traditions, food, songs, facts, history, sermons, blessings, services, Seders, haggadahs, family, friends. There’s Passover-themed movie and TV shows, and art galore. And, as with many aspects of Judaism, there is also a rich tradition of humor associated with the holiday. After all, once you’ve been liberated by God from slavery in ancient Egypt, you’re no doubt ready to relieve some of the pent-up tension with a laugh or two. And while the consumption, keeping, and owning of chametz is forbidden during Passover, humor is both allowed and appreciated. Okay, granted, the more Manishevitz you drink, the funnier the humor seems. Be that as it may, here are some of my favorite Passover jokes. And if you enjoy them even half as much as you do your matzo ball soup and tzimmes this Passover, well, dayenu.

Hear about the internet search engine for Passover?

It’s called eliYAHOO

How do you drive your mother completely insane on Passover?

It’s really a piece of cake

What’s your favorite Passover film?

Shawshankbone Redemption

Why did the matzah quit his job?

Because he didn’t get a raise

What army base is off limits on Passover?

Fort Leavenworth

A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen. He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover Seder:

"Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot."

Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

A little boy once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, "What did you learn today?"

He answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt."

"How?"

The boy said "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharaoh up. Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea. When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge. Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross."

The father was shocked. "Is that what the Rabbi taught you?"

The boy replied, "No. But you'd never believe the story he DID tell us!"

It seems a group of leading medical people have published data that indicates that Seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It is indicated that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.

At our Seder, we had whole wheat and bran matzo, fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of course, is "Let My People Go"

What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?

Filet minyan

If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry?

A Bris-kit!

Why do we have a Haggadah at Passover?

So we can Seder right words.

What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction?

A matzochist.

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight-day holiday, he was eating Matzo, flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations. A little later, a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this nonsense?"

Did you hear about the gefilte fish that went deaf?

He had to buy a herring-aid.

How does Moses make beer?

Hebrews it!

When it comes to Karpas, who is the king of Passover?

Elvis Parsley

An Egyptian task master fell down a wishing well, The Jewish slave was amazed, “I never knew they worked.”

How does NASA organize their Passover Seders in space? They planet

Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.

Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above:

"You, Moses, heed me! I have good news, and bad news."

Moses was staggered. The voice continued:

"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs"

"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locust."

"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If Pharaoh's army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Sea of Reeds to open your path to the Promised Land."

Moses was stunned. He stammered, "That's.... that's fantastic. I can't believe it! – But what's the bad news?"

"You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement."

What did one Seder plate say to the other? “Dinner is on me!”

What kind of shoes did the Egyptians wear during the plague of Frogs? Open-toad!

Who is behind Pharaoh’s Evil Empire? Darth Seder

What was the name of the Secret Spy for the Jews in Egypt? Bondage, James Bondage

What did the Teddy Bear say when he was offered the afikomen? No thanks, I’m stuffed

How many Pharaohs does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but he won’t let it go.

About the Author

Mark MillerMore by this Author >

Mark Miller has held positions as a nationally syndicated humor columnist for the Los Angeles Times, an interviewer and humor blogger for The Huffington Post (along with a wealth of other publications), a TV sitcom staff writer/producer, a stand-up comic in nightclubs and on TV, and a writer for comedians such as Jay Leno, Dana Carvey, Roseanne Barr, Rodney Dangerfield, and Jim Carrey. His first book, a collection of his humor essays on dating and romance, is 500 Dates: Dispatches From the Front Lines of the Online Dating Wars. But he says he’d trade all his success away in a minute for immortality, inner peace and limitless wealth. Follow his website/blog at: http://www.markmillerhumorist.com/. Reach him at: mark.writer@gmail.com
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Post  Admin on Wed 10 Apr 2019, 8:42 pm

April 10, 2019
 
HUMOR
 
Yes, sir!
 
A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was very insistent. His response was, "Yes, sir!"

 
Correcting him, she said, "You would say, 'yes, sir,' to a man. I am a lady, and you would say 'yes, ma'am,' to a lady." To quiz him on this lesson, she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"
 
"Yes, sir!" came the reply. "Then what would you say to Mama?"
 
"Yes, ma'am!" he proudly answered.
 
"Good job! Now, what would you say to Grandma?
He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"
 
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@welovegod.org) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Thu 28 Mar 2019, 11:51 pm

March 27, 2019
 
HUMOR
 
Curiosity
 
A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity.
 
"Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?" 
 
"Still in the Garden of Eden?" 
 
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@welovegod.org) way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Mon 25 Mar 2019, 2:23 pm

Sometimes my Halo slips a little I found this funny a facebook friend, I have to share.



Alex Olsen
March 25, 2017 at 8:47 AM
Joke: To shoot or not to shoot?

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For £100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife, naked, with a man.

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, “Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money!”

“HE paid for the Porsche I gave you. HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.

“HE paid for your Packer season tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake.

“HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.

“HE paid for our country club membership and HE even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabby and says, “What would you do?”

The cabby replies, “I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.”

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Post  Admin on Wed 13 Mar 2019, 2:32 pm

March 13, 2019
 
HUMOR
 
Perhaps

Waiting for a flight, a woman was seated in the waiting area with two boys. The younger one asked, "Mommy, when we get home, will you take us to the zoo?"

"Perhaps," she answered.

"What does 'perhaps', mean?" he asked.

The older brother answered, "Not likely to happen." 

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Tue 26 Feb 2019, 9:26 pm

“CHRISTIAN VOICES”
                                                                                                              Founded January 1995
February 27, 2019

 HUMOR

Boots

There was a little boy in Kindergarten. He cried, so the teacher asked him what was wrong. 

He sobbed "I can't find my boots." 

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots. 
"Are these yours?" 

"No, they're not mine" the boy shook his head. 

The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots. 

Finally, the teacher gave up "Are you SURE those boots are not yours?" 
"I'm sure" the boy sobbed "mine had snow on them." 

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” christianvoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Fri 15 Feb 2019, 1:42 am

Prodigal

One night I was tucking my 4-year-old son in to bed and I told him his nightly Bible story. 
 
This night it was the story of the prodigal son. We discussed how he had taken his Inheritance early, left and spent it all on living it up and partying until he had no money left and had to work on a pig farm where he couldn't even afford to eat what the pigs ate! He remembered his father and went back home to ask for a job and forgiveness. His father welcomed him home with much joy!
 
After we finished the story I asked my son what he learned and he immediately said, "Never leave home without your credit card!" 
 
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Thu 07 Feb 2019, 9:46 pm

February 7, 2019


 HUMOR
 
Goals
 
During the last session of our teaching workshop, participants were asked to state their personal goals for the immediate future. 


One teacher vowed to update photo albums, another to lose weight. 


The goal that got the most response, however, was given by a slightly out-of-shape kindergarten teacher. 


"I resolve to exercise until I can complete a 20-minute workout in less than an hour," she said. 


…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)   
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