Share your Jokes smiles here

May 29, 2019
 
HUMOR
 
Cruises for Seniors
 
Miriam has never been on a cruise before.
 
One day, she meets her friend Lucy and they stop for a chat. "So where are you and Sam going for your holidays this year?" asks Lucy. 
 
"I'd like to try out a cruise, Lucy," replies Miriam, "but I'm not sure whether Sam and I would enjoy ourselves. We're almost 80 now and Sam thinks cruising is for younger people.
 
"No, you're wrong in thinking that, Miriam," replies Lucy.
 
"Most cruise ships have special design features just for senior citizens."
 
"So give me an example, please," says Miriam.
 
"Well...OK," replies Lucy, "They have bifocal portholes." 
 
…..Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

May 23, 2019
HUMOR
Costume Party
 
The last thing my friend Christy was prepared for was an invitation to a costume party. Eight and a half months pregnant, she was in no shape for any conventional costume.

Still, she wanted to go, so she painted a big yellow circle on an extra-extra-large white T-shirt, dug a pair of red devil horns out of her kids' Halloween junk pile...and went as a deviled egg.

…..Cup O'Cheer (cheer316@sc.rr.com) by way of “Christian Voices’ (christianvoices@att.net)

HUMOR
 
Pilot
 
As one of relatively few female airline pilots, I've often been mistaken for a flight attendant, ticket agent or even a snack-bar employee. Occasionally people will see me in uniform and ask if I'm a "real" pilot. Still others congratulate me for making it in a male-dominated field. 
 
One day, I was in the restroom before a flight. I was at the sink, brushing my teeth, when a woman walked through the door and looked over at me. "My sister would be so proud of you!" she remarked. 
 
I figured her sister must be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why. 
 
Replied the woman, "She's a dentist.” 
 
…..Pat Kaine (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

A Pleased Psychic

I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and punched him in the nose. You can probably guess the rest.

I was arrested for striking a happy medium.

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants, arrive.
St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I'll be right back."
St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.

God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."

"The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

"No. The Pearly Gates."

May 1, 2019
 
HUMOR
 
Heart Sounds
 
A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones' chests would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe. But she never got a response to equal four year old David's. Gently he tucked the stethoscope in his ears and placed the disk over his heart. 
 
"Listen", she said, "What do you suppose that is?"  
 
He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap-tap-tapping deep in his chest. Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin. "Is that Jesus knocking?" he asked. 
 
…..Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

On the Lighter Side
The late Dr. Franklin Clark Fry enjoyed telling a story
about women who were overly suspicious of their
husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few
nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with
other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonabe," Adam responded. "You're the
only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to
be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was
Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said eve."

Source: Let Me Illustrate, Albert P. Stauderman, P.117

April 17, 2019
 
HUMOR
 
Jeans
 
I spotted several pairs of men's Levi's jeans at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. 
So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head.
 
"I'm still wearing the 33s," he said. "Come back next year."
 
……Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@welovegod.org) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

PASSOVER JOKES.
World’s Greatest Passover Jokes
Apr 14, 2019  |  by Mark Miller
https://www.aish.com/j/fs/Worlds-Greatest-Passover-Jokes.html?s=mm
World’s Greatest Passover Jokes
What army base is off limits on Passover? Fort Leavenworth.

There’s so much about Passover to appreciate – the traditions, food, songs, facts, history, sermons, blessings, services, Seders, haggadahs, family, friends. There’s Passover-themed movie and TV shows, and art galore. And, as with many aspects of Judaism, there is also a rich tradition of humor associated with the holiday. After all, once you’ve been liberated by God from slavery in ancient Egypt, you’re no doubt ready to relieve some of the pent-up tension with a laugh or two. And while the consumption, keeping, and owning of chametz is forbidden during Passover, humor is both allowed and appreciated. Okay, granted, the more Manishevitz you drink, the funnier the humor seems. Be that as it may, here are some of my favorite Passover jokes. And if you enjoy them even half as much as you do your matzo ball soup and tzimmes this Passover, well, dayenu.

Hear about the internet search engine for Passover?

It’s called eliYAHOO

How do you drive your mother completely insane on Passover?

It’s really a piece of cake

What’s your favorite Passover film?

Shawshankbone Redemption

Why did the matzah quit his job?

Because he didn’t get a raise

What army base is off limits on Passover?

Fort Leavenworth

A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen. He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover Seder:

"Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot."

Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

A little boy once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, "What did you learn today?"

He answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt."

"How?"

The boy said "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharaoh up. Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea. When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge. Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross."

The father was shocked. "Is that what the Rabbi taught you?"

The boy replied, "No. But you'd never believe the story he DID tell us!"

It seems a group of leading medical people have published data that indicates that Seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It is indicated that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.

At our Seder, we had whole wheat and bran matzo, fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of course, is "Let My People Go"

What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?

Filet minyan

If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry?

A Bris-kit!

Why do we have a Haggadah at Passover?

So we can Seder right words.

What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction?

A matzochist.

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight-day holiday, he was eating Matzo, flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations. A little later, a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this nonsense?"

Did you hear about the gefilte fish that went deaf?

He had to buy a herring-aid.

How does Moses make beer?

Hebrews it!

When it comes to Karpas, who is the king of Passover?

Elvis Parsley

An Egyptian task master fell down a wishing well, The Jewish slave was amazed, “I never knew they worked.”

How does NASA organize their Passover Seders in space? They planet

Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.

Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above:

"You, Moses, heed me! I have good news, and bad news."

Moses was staggered. The voice continued:

"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs"

"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locust."

"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If Pharaoh's army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Sea of Reeds to open your path to the Promised Land."

Moses was stunned. He stammered, "That's.... that's fantastic. I can't believe it! – But what's the bad news?"

"You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement."

What did one Seder plate say to the other? “Dinner is on me!”

What kind of shoes did the Egyptians wear during the plague of Frogs? Open-toad!

Who is behind Pharaoh’s Evil Empire? Darth Seder

What was the name of the Secret Spy for the Jews in Egypt? Bondage, James Bondage

What did the Teddy Bear say when he was offered the afikomen? No thanks, I’m stuffed

How many Pharaohs does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but he won’t let it go.

About the Author

Mark MillerMore by this Author >

Mark Miller has held positions as a nationally syndicated humor columnist for the Los Angeles Times, an interviewer and humor blogger for The Huffington Post (along with a wealth of other publications), a TV sitcom staff writer/producer, a stand-up comic in nightclubs and on TV, and a writer for comedians such as Jay Leno, Dana Carvey, Roseanne Barr, Rodney Dangerfield, and Jim Carrey. His first book, a collection of his humor essays on dating and romance, is 500 Dates: Dispatches From the Front Lines of the Online Dating Wars. But he says he’d trade all his success away in a minute for immortality, inner peace and limitless wealth. Follow his website/blog at: http://www.markmillerhumorist.com/. Reach him at: mark.writer@gmail.com

April 10, 2019
 
HUMOR
 
Yes, sir!
 
A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was very insistent. His response was, "Yes, sir!"

 
Correcting him, she said, "You would say, 'yes, sir,' to a man. I am a lady, and you would say 'yes, ma'am,' to a lady." To quiz him on this lesson, she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"
 
"Yes, sir!" came the reply. "Then what would you say to Mama?"
 
"Yes, ma'am!" he proudly answered.
 
"Good job! Now, what would you say to Grandma?
He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"
 
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@welovegod.org) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

March 27, 2019
 
HUMOR
 
Curiosity
 
A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity.
 
"Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?" 
 
"Still in the Garden of Eden?" 
 
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@welovegod.org) way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

Sometimes my Halo slips a little I found this funny a facebook friend, I have to share.



Alex Olsen
March 25, 2017 at 8:47 AM
Joke: To shoot or not to shoot?

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For £100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife, naked, with a man.

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, “Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money!”

“HE paid for the Porsche I gave you. HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.

“HE paid for your Packer season tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake.

“HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.

“HE paid for our country club membership and HE even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabby and says, “What would you do?”

The cabby replies, “I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.”

March 13, 2019
 
HUMOR
 
Perhaps

Waiting for a flight, a woman was seated in the waiting area with two boys. The younger one asked, "Mommy, when we get home, will you take us to the zoo?"

"Perhaps," she answered.

"What does 'perhaps', mean?" he asked.

The older brother answered, "Not likely to happen." 

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

“CHRISTIAN VOICES”
                                                                                                              Founded January 1995
February 27, 2019

 HUMOR

Boots

There was a little boy in Kindergarten. He cried, so the teacher asked him what was wrong. 

He sobbed "I can't find my boots." 

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots. 
"Are these yours?" 

"No, they're not mine" the boy shook his head. 

The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots. 

Finally, the teacher gave up "Are you SURE those boots are not yours?" 
"I'm sure" the boy sobbed "mine had snow on them." 

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” christianvoices@att.net)

Prodigal

One night I was tucking my 4-year-old son in to bed and I told him his nightly Bible story. 
 
This night it was the story of the prodigal son. We discussed how he had taken his Inheritance early, left and spent it all on living it up and partying until he had no money left and had to work on a pig farm where he couldn't even afford to eat what the pigs ate! He remembered his father and went back home to ask for a job and forgiveness. His father welcomed him home with much joy!
 
After we finished the story I asked my son what he learned and he immediately said, "Never leave home without your credit card!" 
 
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

February 7, 2019


 HUMOR
 
Goals
 
During the last session of our teaching workshop, participants were asked to state their personal goals for the immediate future. 


One teacher vowed to update photo albums, another to lose weight. 


The goal that got the most response, however, was given by a slightly out-of-shape kindergarten teacher. 


"I resolve to exercise until I can complete a 20-minute workout in less than an hour," she said. 


…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)   

Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck
into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is
dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He
might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog
stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and
sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with
sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a
cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird
from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head,
meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and
said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100%
certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer
terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the
woman..

The duck's owner, still in
shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck
is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If
you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but
with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

“CHRISTIAN VOICES”
                                                                                    Founded January 1995
 
January 29 2019
 
HUMOR
 
License Plate
 
One of my customers at the department of motor vehicles wanted a personalized license plate with his wedding anniversary on it.
 
As we completed the paperwork he explained, "This way I can't forget the date."
 
A few hours later, I recognized the same young man waiting in my line. When his turn came, he said somewhat sheepishly, "I need to change the numbers on that plate application."
 
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

HUMOR

Pie Pieces
Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result, they seldom had guests.

Johnny was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.

When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.

This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

December 19, 2018

HUMOR

Judge's Tie

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets.

Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. 

The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters in Washington, DC for analysis.

Weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests.

"We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'" 

…..from Pastor Tim by way of Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) and “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net

HUMOR
 
Christmas Gift
 
I try to be creative at disguising obvious gifts when wrapping Christmas presents. 
 
One year I bought a video for my four-year-old son, and not wanting him to guess what it was, I put it in a cereal box, wrapped it and put it under the tree.
 
Christmas morning he tore off the paper, let out a whoop and exclaimed, "Look, Mom, I got breakfast!"
 
…..Da Mouse Tracks by way of Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) and “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

“CHRISTIAN VOICES”
                                                                                  Founded and first published in 1995
December 5, 2018

HUMOR

You Better be Good

Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.
 
Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when children fight. This had little impact.
 
"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really Sarah's aunt; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.
 
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.
 
Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. 

After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, dear?"
 
In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister this year."
 
…... Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) and “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

10am, and a mother preparing a party for her kid opens the front door to let the caterers bring in the trays of food. Two passing tramps smell the foods, and on seeing the unloading of vans they approach the woman at the door.” Excuse me Madam; do you have any work for us to do for a plate of food each?" She says that she has, then directs the tramps around the house to the woodpile she would have them chop before her return indoors. The phone rings; on answering she learns that the entertainer's car has broken down, and he won't be able to make the 1 o clock appointment. The mother begins to panic thinking of the twenty children in her house running riot, and then she looks out of the back window to see one of the tramps leap up grabbing a tree branch to do six forward 360's, followed by a treble spin, and on release lands to continue with cartwheels, and treble back flips. Quickly she runs out into the garden calling the other tramp to her. "I was just watching your friend there, he was spectacular. Do you think he may be interested in doing that again for £50?" .."I'll ask him...HEY MICK, the lady here wants to know if you would chop off another toe for £50 pound?"




On the Lighter Side
When going through an airport during one of his many
trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair,
wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you
Moses?"

The man never answered but just kept staring straight
ahead.

Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The
man just kept staring ahead, never answering the
President.

Bush pulled a Secret Service agent aside and pointing
to the robed man asked him, "Doesn't that man look like
Moses to you?"

Again the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man
stared ahead and didn't answer.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the
white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses.
Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am
Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush I
spent 40 years wandering in the desert, and ended up
leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle
East where there is no oil."

HUMOR

SHARE 

My six-year-old granddaughter, Alesha, came rushing in to tell me she was going to the zoo with her eight-year-old brother, Connor. I gave her a $20 bill to spend at the zoo's gift shop and told her to give half to her brother. 

She promptly ripped the bill in two and passed Connor's half to him. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

New Bills

I do the water and sewer billing for a small city in Washington State. 
 
Customers complained about our postcard-sized bills -- which they said looked too much like junk mail. So we started sending full-sized bills in envelopes. 

The month before the switch, I had a note printed on the cards, announcing the change. 
 
Two days later, I heard someone yelling at our receptionist, 
"Is this some kind of joke?"

When the customer threw his bill upon the desk, I saw his point. The note was,
"Coming soon! New Larger Bills!" 

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) and “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

HUMOR
Birthday Present

On his birthday, my husband was stuck driving our six rambunctious children around. As usual, they were yelling, punching, and annoying one another. Joel finally had had enough.
"Kids," he said over the din, "if you would behave and be kind to each other, that would be a very nice birthday present for me."

Our six-year-old shot back: "Too late, I already got you another present."

…..Pastor Tim by way of Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) and “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)