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Post  Admin on Fri 06 Sep 2013, 2:58 pm

Animals Can Be Jerks - Supercut Compilation 2013!
Have a giggle at these
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=_vx1OVLX5Rc

I had a good chuckle.
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Post  Admin on Tue 03 Sep 2013, 12:58 pm

The loaded mini-van pulled into a campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. 

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork." 

The father replied, "I have a system: no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)
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Post  Admin on Tue 27 Aug 2013, 4:47 pm

A client brought a litter of Golden Retriever puppies
to the local veterinary clinic for inoculations and
worming.
As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one
another in their box, the experienced vet realized it
would be difficult to tell which had been treated and
which hadn't. The vet turned on the water faucet, wet
her fingers and moistened each dog's head as she
finished giving each one the necessary shots.

After the fourth puppy, the vet noticed her hitherto
talkative client had grown silent and was looking
rather reverent.

As the animal doctor sprinkled the last pup's head, the
owner leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they
had to be baptized, too."

  Mickey's Funnies. Copyright 2013 Mike Atkinson. 
  www.mikeysFunnies.com.
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Post  Admin on Sun 25 Aug 2013, 11:11 pm

On the Lighter Side 

A tour bus arrived at Runnymede, England. The guide
asked the tourists to gather around and then said, "You
are standing on the very spot where the barons forced
King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A man in the group asked, "When did that happen?"

"1215," the guide answered.

The tourist looked at his watch, "Rats!" he said, "I
missed it by half an hour."

  Source: Mickey's Funnies, www.mikeysFunnies.com
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Post  Admin on Thu 22 Aug 2013, 10:29 pm

CLUBS 
Would you like to join ...

The Yoko club?
Oh no.

The German philosophy club?
I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club?
Pardon me?

The Arafat club?
Yessir.

The Ebert movie club?
Roger.

The Groucho Marx club?
You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club?
Never. Never.

The Japanese theater club?
Noh.

The quarterback club?
I'll pass.

The compulsive rhymers club?
Okey-dokey.

The Spanish optometrists club?
Si.

The anti-perspirant club?
Sure.

The procrastinators club?
Maybe next week.

The Self-Esteem Builders?
No - they probably wouldn't accept me anyway.

The Agoraphobics Society?
Only if they meet at my house.

The Co-Dependence Club?
Can I bring a friend?

The Prayer Group?
God willing!
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Post  Admin on Wed 21 Aug 2013, 1:41 pm

A man was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much. 

One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of cosmetics knocked on his door and asked to see his wife. The man told her that his wife wasn't home. 

"Well," replied the saleswoman, "could I please wait for her?" The man directed her to the living room and left her there for more than three hours. 

The saleswoman was getting really worried, so she called out to the man and asked, "May I know where your wife is?" 

"She went to the cemetery," he replied. 

"And when is she returning?" 

"I don't really know," he said. "She' s been there eleven years now."
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Post  Admin on Fri 16 Aug 2013, 11:30 pm

"Johnny, " said the teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you pay your
dealer $24, how many tons will he bring you?"


"A little over three tons, ma'am," said Johnny.


"Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher.


"No, ma'am, I know it isn't," said Johnny, "but they all do it."cheers 
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Post  Admin on Tue 13 Aug 2013, 8:22 pm

Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I&# 39;ll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.
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Post  Admin on Sun 11 Aug 2013, 12:00 pm

Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?"

Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."

Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order."

Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."
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Post  Admin on Fri 09 Aug 2013, 3:16 pm

Marriage Wakeup Coffee 
As Barb was getting to know David and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.

"They&# 39;re so thoughtful," Barb said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."

After a time, Barb and David were engaged, and then married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Barb again remarked on David's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed.

"Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"

"It sure does," replied David. "And I take after my mom."
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Post  Admin on Wed 07 Aug 2013, 7:44 pm

A man shouted frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asked the dispatcher.

"NO!" he exclaimed, "this is her husband!"

Share your Jokes smiles here - Page 12 Lachennnnnnn
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Post  Admin on Tue 06 Aug 2013, 9:47 pm

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he demanded.affraid  "I don't know," she sobbed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'" "Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"Rolling Eyes  No "I did," replied his wife.Embarassed Embarassed  "He said, 'You look great from here too.'" pirat
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Post  Admin on Mon 29 Jul 2013, 12:11 pm

On the Lighter Side 

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was
very grieved because he had worked so hard for his
money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to
heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to
take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but
you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He
might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow
him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God
has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.
Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and
fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his
bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates
of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase,
Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to him that he has permission and
asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure
enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're
right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm
supposed to check its contents before letting it
through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items
that the man found too precious to leave behind and
exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!" 

(See Revelation 21:21 -- http://tinyurl.com/28792y)

  Source: Mickey's Funnies, www.mikeysFunnies.com
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Post  Admin on Sat 27 Jul 2013, 10:50 pm

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. 

"Boss," he says, "we' re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We' re short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

Your gonna love the next chuckle.
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. 

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman! " 

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
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Post  Admin on Sun 21 Jul 2013, 5:25 pm

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

~ Diana was alive hours before death

~ Missippi literacy program shows improvement

~ Bug flying around are flying bugs

~ Teen pregnancy drops significantly after age 25 study shows 

~ Study finds having sex enhances pregnancy chances

~ Federal agents raid gun shop and find weapons

~ Marijuana issue sent to joint committee 

~ Homicide victims rarely talk to police

~ Bridges help people cross rivers

~ Hospital resorts to hiring doctors

~ Caskets found in mausoleum being torn down

~ Meeting on open meetings is closed
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Post  Admin on Fri 19 Jul 2013, 7:01 pm

Three contractors are bidding to fix the fence at a local company. All three are examining the fence with the company' s CFO. 

The first contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The second contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." 

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the CFO and whispers: "$2,700. " 

The CFO, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" 

"Easy, $1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the second contractor."
Razz
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Post  Admin on Wed 17 Jul 2013, 9:47 am

1963 vs. 2013 
(A span of only 50 YEARS) 

This should be sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it.. and to those who don't pass it on to someone you know. 

1963: Long hair 
2013: Longing for hair 

1963: KEG 
2013: EKG 


1963: Acid rock 
2013: Acid reflux 


1963: Moving to California because it's cool 
2013: Moving to Arizona because it's warm 


1963: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 
2013: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 


1963: Seeds and stems
2013: Roughage


1963: Hoping for a BMW
2013: Hoping for a BM


1963: Going to a new, hip joint
2013: Receiving a new hip joint 


1963: Rolling Stones 
2013: Kidney Stones


1963: Passing the drivers' test
2013: Passing the vision test


Just in case you weren't feeling too old enough today, this will certainly change things.
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list: 

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1994! 


They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. 

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.


Bottle caps have always been childproof and plastic.


The CD was introduced 4 years before they were born.


They have always had an answering machine.. 


They have always had cable.


They cannot fathom not having a remote control.


Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.


Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.


They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.


They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.


They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.


They never heard:
"Where's the Beef?",
"I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or
"De plane, Boss, de plane.." 


They do not care who shot J.R. nor do they have any idea who J. R. even is.



Mc Donald's never came in Styrofoam containers.


They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. 
Do you feel old yet?

-----------------------------------

Topic :   Commotion in Canada..... a Canadian funny

There was a bit of a commotion at Canadian Tire this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gunpowder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to [Canadian Prime Minister] Harper about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she meant my credit card.

They have told me to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

Ya' gotta love this guy!!!!! Meet Walter Barnes -
All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man! Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies? 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual.
"How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them *&%$#*" - and he calmly returned to his seat.
-------------------------------------

There was a bit of a commotion at Canadian Tire this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gunpowder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to [Canadian Prime Minister] Harper about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she meant my credit card.

They have told me to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
--------------------------------------------------------------

THE PERFECT HUSBAND 

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.



A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.



Everyone else in the room stops to listen. 

MAN: "Hello" 

WOMAN: ;"Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" 

MAN: "Yes." 

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?" 

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." 

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealer ship and saw the new models. I saw one I really, really liked." 

MAN: "How much?" 

WOMAN: "$90,000." ; 

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." 

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.

They're asking $980,000 for it." 

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want." 

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" 

MAN: ;"Bye! I love you, too." 

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. 

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"
--------------------------------------------------------------
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Post  Admin on Mon 15 Jul 2013, 10:05 pm

Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our church's children' s chapel on Sundays before the eleven o'clock service.

One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel, the minister came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.

But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the good shepherd, the minister burst into the room and signaled to me that he would be able to do the story time after all.

He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd' s job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.

He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.

Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, "If you are the sheep then who is the shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating himself.

A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor said, " Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd."

The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy, "Well, then, who am I?"

The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug, "I guess you must be a sheep dog."
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Post  Admin on Mon 15 Jul 2013, 7:25 am

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night and I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.


"This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPhone."


I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit iShare your Jokes smiles here - Page 12 Lachennnnnnn
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Post  Admin on Tue 09 Jul 2013, 10:25 pm

SOME THOUGHTS (PART 1)
~ 33% say they won't have money to cover their holiday spending...Those people are called Congress. 
~ A biker rally is a really bad time for your car horn to stick. 
~ A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a nice big stack of old bills. 
~ A full year of experience takes a full year of experience. 
~ A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. 
~ Ack! There's too much blood in my caffeine stream! 
~ Actions speak louder than words -- but not nearly as often. 
~ Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it. 
~ Apparently, "vegetarian&qu ot; is an old Indian word for "bad hunter." 
~ Backup is for wimps! SMART wimps! 
~ Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too. 
~ Before you marry a person you should make them use an old computer with slow internet to see who they truly are. 
~ Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy. 
~ Combining a tractor pull and a taffy pull is not as smart as it sounds. 
~ Dad, you've always been like a father to me. 
~ Did you hear about the Christian movie sequel? It's called "Bourne Again." 
~ Do not believe in miracles...rely on them. 
~ Dolphins are so intelligent! Within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. 
~ Don't judge a book by its movie. 
~ Efficiency is intelligent laziness. 
~ Fall seven times, get up eight. 
~ Have you noticed that when someone says "To make a long story short..." it's generally too late? 
~ Help! I keep hitting ESC but I'm still here! 
~ Here's to love - the only fire for which there is no insurance. 
~ His computer is so slow...when he clicks the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of the monitor and a pigeon flies out. 
~ How do you frustrate a T-Rex? Feed him finger food. 
~ How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. 
~ However old you are is the new 30. 
~ I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. 
~ I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. 
~ I just finished writing a Broadway musical about the dictionary. It's the ultimate play on words. 
~ I just wish once someone would call me "Sir" without adding, "You' re making a scene." 
~ I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop any time. 
~ I like the word "indolence. " It makes my laziness seem classy. 
~ I love how we don't even need to say out loud that I'm your favorite child. 
~ I said I have a can-do attitude...I never said I had a will-do attitude. 
~ I tried to catch some fog. I mist. 
~ I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older Then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals. 
~ I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said. 

Read Bro.Larry' s amazing story of his winding road to redemption:
http://www.thelarry mullinaxministries.com
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Post  Admin on Mon 08 Jul 2013, 8:01 pm

A specialist is someone who knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing.
A General Practitioner is someone who knows less and less about more and more until he knows nothing about everything.
A pathologist is someone who knows more and more about everything until he knows everything about everything. But, it’s too late.
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Post  Admin on Sun 07 Jul 2013, 9:20 pm

On the Lighter Side 

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue
Netherlands flag to an American. 

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we
talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and
blue after we pay them."

The American nodded, "It's the same in the USA, only we
see stars too!"
  -- Cited on Andychaps The Funnies
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Post  Admin on Sat 06 Jul 2013, 9:11 pm

I FOUND THIS SO FUNNY
On a street, where the speed is limited to 30 mph the police stop a driver.

"Not only have you been driving too fast, you've been passing cars where it is not allowed. Your lights don't work, your tires all completely worn out. This is surely going to cost you a lot. What's your name?"

"Schtrathewisi zeski Vocgefastilongchini c."

"Well, I'll let you go this time but don't do it again."
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Post  Admin on Fri 05 Jul 2013, 12:25 pm

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.  Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss."  He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants you to bring her sign back!"

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What&# 39;s the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It' s a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
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Post  Admin on Tue 02 Jul 2013, 10:14 pm

A woman walking down a residential street, noticed a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. She called out to him as she passed. 

"Hello there! I couldn't help but notice how happy you look. What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he replied. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat nothing but fast food, and never exercise."

"Wow!" The woman was amazed. "How old are you?" she asked.

"Twenty- six," he replied.

TOP 10 WRONG WAYS TO INITIATE YOUR SON INTO MANHOOD

10. Teach him the secret male ritual of leaving the toilet seat up and the toilet paper roll empty.

9. Have a ceremony where you give him his own remote control.

8. Lead him through an afternoon of rigorous physical training in the back yard while you sit in a lawn chair with a half-gallon of ice cream.

7. Eat until you're about to burst and then ride the Screamin' Hurler roller coaster.

6. Put cream on his face and let the cat shave him with its tongue.

5. Walk behind him through his school halls yelling, "You da man!"

4. Send him to the local discount store to buy mom's "personal things."

3. Give him Grandma' s lime green 1978 Ford Pinto with personalized license plates that say, "TUFFGUY. "

2. Send the ladies shopping, then get out your secret Old Yeller video and have a good cry together.

1. Shot put catching.
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