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On the Lighter Side

The celebrated pianist Arthur Rubinstein often wondered
if he gave a concert in disguise what kind of critical
reception he would get. Eventually, he tried a concert
under an assumed name and a beard. Critics' verdict:
The bearded wonder wasn't in a class with the great
Rubinstein. - John McCarthy (Cited in Bits & Pieces).

Remember: "Those who laugh ... last!"

On the Lighter Side

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while
healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front? 

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke? 

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters? 

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our
driveways and put our useless junk in the garage? 

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word? 

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do
'practice'? 

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and
dish washing liquid made with real lemons? 

Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker? 

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
rush hour? 

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together?

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE! AND AN XBOX 360! AND I PRAY FOR THE NEW IRON MAN COMIC BOOK!"

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

…..Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

On the Lighter Side 

A lawyer phoned the governor's mansion shortly after
midnight. "I need to talk to the governor. It's an
emergency!" exclaimed the lawyer. 

After some cajoling, the governor's assistant agreed to
wake him up. "So, what is it that's so important that
it can't wait until morning?" grumbled the governor. 

"Judge Jones just died, and I want to take his place,"
begged the attorney. 

"Well, it's okay with me if it's okay with the funeral
home," replied the governor. 

  Source: Mickey's Funnies, www.mikeysFunnies.com.

On the Lighter Side

Father O'Malley answers the church phone: "Hello, is
this Father O'Malley?"

"It is!"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can!"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do!"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is!"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will."

  Copyright 2013 Mike Atkinson, www.mikeysFunnies.com

On the Lighter Side 

This has got to be one of the best singles ads ever
printed. It appeared in the Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity
unimportant.

I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love
long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck,
hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights
lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your
hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond.

I'll be at the front door when you get home from work,
wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm
yours.

Call (404) 875-XXXX and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta
Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador
retriever. 

Drive

A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church.  After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination. 

When the mother got out of the car she said emphatically, "Thank you!"

"Anytime," her daughter replied with a smile. 

As her mother headed for the church door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking 
to God."
 
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

Weather Forecaster

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time,
especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely, the CAT:cat: 

On the Lighter Side

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of
it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the
cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway
when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away
but the same thing happened. He kept on increasing the
number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before
him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn
right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and
another right and so on until he reached what he
thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked
her, "Jen is the cat there?" 

"Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.

Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I
am lost and I need directions."

  -- Cited on Monday Fodder

Picnic
 At a family picnic, my aunt was admonishing her six-year-old son to wash his hands before eating.  He protested that they weren't dirty, though after a few minutes of complaining, the boy finally did go and wash them.

Later, while they stood in line for the condiments to add to their hamburgers, the boy dropped his food on the grass. He stood whimpering at his mother's side until she said: "Oh, pick it up. A little dirt never hurt anyone."

…..from Da Mouse Tracks by way of Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com)

ARAPROSDOKIANS:
(Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
 
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
3. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
4. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
5. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
6. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station
7. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put DOCTOR.
8. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
9. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
10. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
11. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
12. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
13. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
14. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
15. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

On the Lighter Side 

Prayers from Children: 

Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas
and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. --
Amanda 

Dear God, thank you for the baby brother but what I
asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything
before. You can look it up. -- Joyce 

Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for
people to come apart; I had to have three stitches and
a shot. -- Janet 

God, I read the Bible. What does beget mean? Nobody
will tell me. -- Love Alison 

Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you?
-- Charlene 

Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if
he uses his golf words in the house? -- Anita 

Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of
everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people
in our family and I can never do it. -- Nancy 

Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all
of them. You really made up some good ones. I like
walking on water, too. -- Glenn 

Dear God, my grandpa says you were around when he was a
little boy. How far back do you go? -- Love, Dennis 

Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries?
If you don't, who does? -- Nathan 

  From Mickey's Funnies, www.mikeysFunnies.com

On the Lighter Side 
A little boy was riding his tricycle furiously around
the block, over and over again. Finally a policeman
stopped and asked him why he was going around and
around. The boy said that he was running away from
home. 

The policeman asked why he kept going around the block.
The boy responded, "Because my mom said that I'm not
allowed to cross the street."

  -- Michael Green, 
    "Illustrations for Biblical Preaching"

Animals Can Be Jerks - Supercut Compilation 2013!
Have a giggle at these
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=_vx1OVLX5Rc

I had a good chuckle.

The loaded mini-van pulled into a campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. 

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork." 

The father replied, "I have a system: no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

A client brought a litter of Golden Retriever puppies
to the local veterinary clinic for inoculations and
worming.
As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one
another in their box, the experienced vet realized it
would be difficult to tell which had been treated and
which hadn't. The vet turned on the water faucet, wet
her fingers and moistened each dog's head as she
finished giving each one the necessary shots.

After the fourth puppy, the vet noticed her hitherto
talkative client had grown silent and was looking
rather reverent.

As the animal doctor sprinkled the last pup's head, the
owner leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they
had to be baptized, too."

  Mickey's Funnies. Copyright 2013 Mike Atkinson. 
  www.mikeysFunnies.com.

On the Lighter Side 

A tour bus arrived at Runnymede, England. The guide
asked the tourists to gather around and then said, "You
are standing on the very spot where the barons forced
King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A man in the group asked, "When did that happen?"

"1215," the guide answered.

The tourist looked at his watch, "Rats!" he said, "I
missed it by half an hour."

  Source: Mickey's Funnies, www.mikeysFunnies.com

CLUBS 
Would you like to join ...

The Yoko club?
Oh no.

The German philosophy club?
I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club?
Pardon me?

The Arafat club?
Yessir.

The Ebert movie club?
Roger.

The Groucho Marx club?
You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club?
Never. Never.

The Japanese theater club?
Noh.

The quarterback club?
I'll pass.

The compulsive rhymers club?
Okey-dokey.

The Spanish optometrists club?
Si.

The anti-perspirant club?
Sure.

The procrastinators club?
Maybe next week.

The Self-Esteem Builders?
No - they probably wouldn't accept me anyway.

The Agoraphobics Society?
Only if they meet at my house.

The Co-Dependence Club?
Can I bring a friend?

The Prayer Group?
God willing!

A man was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much. 

One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of cosmetics knocked on his door and asked to see his wife. The man told her that his wife wasn't home. 

"Well," replied the saleswoman, "could I please wait for her?" The man directed her to the living room and left her there for more than three hours. 

The saleswoman was getting really worried, so she called out to the man and asked, "May I know where your wife is?" 

"She went to the cemetery," he replied. 

"And when is she returning?" 

"I don't really know," he said. "She' s been there eleven years now."

Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I&# 39;ll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?"

Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."

Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order."

Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."

Marriage Wakeup Coffee 
As Barb was getting to know David and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.

"They&# 39;re so thoughtful," Barb said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."

After a time, Barb and David were engaged, and then married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Barb again remarked on David's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed.

"Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"

"It sure does," replied David. "And I take after my mom."