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Post  Admin on Sun 09 Oct 2011, 12:11 pm

In Sunday School one morning Little Joey raised his hand and proceeded to ask a question that had perplexed him for some time.

"Mr. Goldblatt," said little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out. According to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea,right?"

"Right."

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er, right."

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Mr. Goldblatt. "So what's your question, Joey?"

"What were all the grown-ups doing?"
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Post  Admin on Sat 24 Sep 2011, 7:37 pm

I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition.

My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month-old nephew.

I said, "What do I do if he cries?"

She said "Give him some vegetables."

It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite:oops:



AND

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.

"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one can throw a coin that far!"

"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."

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Post  Admin on Mon 19 Sep 2011, 6:10 pm

Dr. Gordon was a guest at a chic gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which he was most at ease.



"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," Dr. Gordon replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the right track."

"What sort of question?" asked the hostess.

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' "

The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
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Post  Admin on Sat 17 Sep 2011, 4:33 pm

"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."



"OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."

"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"

"I thought you said he's 13?"
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Post  Admin on Mon 12 Sep 2011, 9:40 am

O.M.G., I'm rich!
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Butt
Iron in the Arteries

And
an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth.

----
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 AM and is asked where he is going so late at night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the detrimental effects it has on the human body."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
-----
The pastor asks if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stands and walks to the podium.

She says, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Ted had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Ted must have experienced. "Ted was unable to hold me or the children," she continues, "and every move caused him terrible pain. "We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Ted's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringe and squirm uncomfortably as they imagine the horrible surgery performed on Ted. "Now," she announces in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Ted is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sigh with unified relief. The pastor rises and tentatively asks if anyone else had something to say.

A man stans up and walks slowly to the podium.

He says, "I'm Ted Smith." The entire congregation holds its breath.

"I just want to tell my loving and grateful wife that the word is STERNUM!!"

A TRIP TO COSTCO
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is *nutritionally complete* so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

------
Advice to an old guy ... an absolute heart-breaker

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...

He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"


The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."
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Post  Admin on Sun 11 Sep 2011, 9:37 pm

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm.



That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750. 78 in cash."

The granddaughter, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh granny, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With her last breath, Granny whispered, "Facebook... "
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Post  Admin on Thu 08 Sep 2011, 9:05 pm

On the Lighter Side

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is."

"This is the Internal Revenue Service calling. Can you
help us?"

"I can."

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will," said Father O'Malley.

Copyright 2011 Mike Atkinson

www.mikeysFunnies.com.

You know you're getting older when...



a.. Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
b.. You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
c.. Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
d.. Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
e.. Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
f.. You look forward to a dull evening.
g.. Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
h.. Your back goes out more than you do.
i.. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
j.. You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
k.. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
l.. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
m.. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
n.. Your back goes out but you stay home.
o.. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
p.. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
q.. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
r.. When happy hour is a nap.
s.. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
t.. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
u.. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
v.. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
w.. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
x.. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
y.. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
z.. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
aa.. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
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Post  Admin on Sun 04 Sep 2011, 9:32 am

These signs might not communicate what was hoped for.....



On a California freeway: Fine for Littering

On the wall of a British Columbia cleaning service: Able to Do the Worst Possible Job

In a New York jewellery store: Genuine Fauz Pearls

In a Kansas City oculist's office: Broken lenses duplicated here

In a Boston fast-food parking lot: Parking for Drive-Through Customers Only

Billboard on Florida highway: If You Can't Read, We Can Help

On the Triborough Bridge in New York: In Event of Air Attack Drive Off Bridge

On a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and minimart: We're out of Rolaids, but we've got gas.

At the basketball court in a Gastonton, North Carolina, YMCA: Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended

On a Rapid City store: Give That Bride a Good Case of Worms or Other Fine Bait

On the door of an Ellsworth, Maine, restaurant: The Indian Trading Post will be closed for Yom Kippur

In a Grand Rapids restaurant: Half baked chicken

In a Dayton barbershop: During vacation of owner, a competent hair stylist will be here

On a Jacksonville, Florida, bookstore: Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books

On a library in Marlboro, New Hampshire, honouring Robert Frost: Frost Free Library
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Post  Admin on Fri 02 Sep 2011, 2:02 pm

Everything I need to know I learnt from a cow



1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

2. Don't cry over spilled milk.

3. When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!

4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence.

5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.

6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!

7. It's better to be seen and not herd.

8. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.

9. Never take any bull from anybody.

10. Always let them know who's the bossy.

11. Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.

12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.

13. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.
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Post  Admin on Mon 29 Aug 2011, 5:37 pm

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.



Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
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Post  Admin on Fri 26 Aug 2011, 10:34 pm

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish horse-drawn carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was this hand printed sign: "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
Train Good News/Bad News
A large, two-engine train was making its way across America. While crossing the Western mountains, one of the engines broke down. "No problem, we can make it to Denver and get a replacement engine there," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line (if you didn't guess by now), the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill in the middle of nowhere.

The engineer needed to inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and always trying to look on the bright side of things, made the following announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time until the additional engines arrive. The good news is that you didn't take this trip in a plane!"
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Post  Admin on Wed 24 Aug 2011, 4:32 pm

One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.



Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs a change."

The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"
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Post  Admin on Sat 20 Aug 2011, 6:15 pm

Ten Rules for Good Housekeeping. ..



1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.

3. Never make fried chicken in the nude.

4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.

5. Make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later start all over again.

6. To hang up more clothes buy bigger door knobs.

7. Sweep the room with a glance.

8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.

10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.


Kids say.
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said.

"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

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Post  Admin on Fri 19 Aug 2011, 3:00 pm

A friend of mine was visiting a college which had
those security call boxes every few hundred feet. If
you were wandering around the campus at night and felt
uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you
could hit the button and have a security officer come
investigate immediately.



On one of these phones hung a sign that said, "Out of
Order."

Underneath it someone had scrawled, "Keep Running!"
-- Source Unknown
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Post  Admin on Thu 18 Aug 2011, 5:07 pm

A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.



One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Farmer Condill's henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!"

The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.


After being married for thirty years....a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H...I, J, K."
She asks..."What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said..."Oh, that's so lovely...
What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

His eye is still swollen...but it will get better...


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Post  Admin on Wed 17 Aug 2011, 2:22 pm



[size=12]The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.


"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.



"Did Miss Dede Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked.

"Certainly," he replied.

"Well, I'm the same age as they are," she snapped.

"As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.

[/size]
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Post  Admin on Tue 16 Aug 2011, 11:50 pm

PARENTHOOD.. ..

If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.

The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.

Avenge yourself ~~~ live long enough to be a problem to your children.

The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car.

Parents: People who bear infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.

The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car.

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.

There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.

Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.

Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.

There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother's age.

Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.

An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain!

Bro.Larry shares his amazing story of his road to redemption. Visit:
http://www.thelarrymullinaxministries.com
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Post  Admin on Sun 14 Aug 2011, 10:18 pm

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.



"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive.

He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
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Post  Admin on Sat 13 Aug 2011, 6:42 pm

Three psychiatrists who are attending a convention decide to take a walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our problems. Since we're all professionals, why don't we hear each other out right now?"



They agree that this is a good idea.

The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I over-bill patients as often as I can."



The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."


The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

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Post  Admin on Fri 12 Aug 2011, 12:23 pm

There’s a RIOT now started in my biscuit tin. Some nutter called ROCKY just hit PENGUIN with a CLUB, tied him to a WAGON WHEEL with a BLUE RIBBON, police said ROCKY was seen catching a TAXI, he was drinking BOURBON, and apparently had it off with a GINGER NUT, not a crumb of evidence has been found so the JAMMY DODGER got away with it!...lol, a chuckle does you good Smile ... and if they do get him he'll BREAKAWAY again....Wink




A LETTER FROM CAMP

Dear Mom & Dad

We're having a great time here at Lake Typhoid! Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are okay. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty; and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad that we didn't use life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges! When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Billy

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?pirat
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Post  Admin on Fri 12 Aug 2011, 9:37 am

MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES:
ATD -at the doctor.
BFF -best friend fell. Share your Jokes smiles here - Page 21 674802
BTW -bring the wheelchair .
BYOT -bring your own teeth. affraid
FWIW -forgot where I was. scratch
GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low. Share your Jokes smiles here - Page 21 220847
GHA -got heartburn again. Share your Jokes smiles here - Page 21 276914
IMHAO -is my hearing aid on? Share your Jokes smiles here - Page 21 46886
LMDO -laughing my dentures out. Share your Jokes smiles here - Page 21 125713
OMMR -on my massage recliner.
ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up. Share your Jokes smiles here - Page 21 119584
TTYL -talk to you LOUDER! Share your Jokes smiles here - Page 21 723514


I enjoyed these.
Share your Jokes smiles here - Page 21 Imcracked_Elaine

-------------------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

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Post  Admin on Wed 10 Aug 2011, 5:06 pm

Kids
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Aladdin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn't be surprised when kids misbehave, they get it from their story books
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Post  Admin on Tue 09 Aug 2011, 10:29 pm

SMILES
"It's no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other."



"Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher. "But you only have two ears, boy."

"Guess I'm no good at math, either!"


KIDS

How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Aladdin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn't be surprised when kids misbehave, they get it from their story books

How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Aladdin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn't be surprised when kids misbehave, they get it from their story books
Change the country, it still applies


Surgery, Five Canadian Surgeons are Talking.

The first, an Ontario surgeon, says: " I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered. "

The second, a Quebec surgeon, responds: " Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside of them is colour coded. "

The third, a B.C. surgeon, says: " No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside of them is in alphabetical order. "

The fourth, an Alberta surgeon, chimes in: " You know, I like construction workers - those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over. "

But, the fifth, a Newfoundland surgeon, shut them all up when he observed: " You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, - and the head and the butt are interchangeable... "

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Post  Admin on Sat 06 Aug 2011, 3:10 pm

RESUMANIA



"Resumania" is a term to describe the unintentional bloopers that often
appear on job candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here
are some examples:

"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and
expertise."
(And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently.)

"Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I
am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity. "
(No problem ...)

"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually
inseparable. "
(Glad to hear it.)

"My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
(And bonuses "tied to" his shoe size?)

"I am very detail-oreinted. "
(With the possible exception of spelling)

"I can play well with others."
(We'll be sure to tell your mommy.)

"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
(A new twist on work-family balance.)

"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."
(Have you considered law school?)

"My salary requirement is $34 per year."
(They say money isn't everything.)

"Served as assistant sore manager."
(Ouch.)

"Previous experience: Self-employed - a fiasco."
(Definitely to the point.)

"I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."
(And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)

"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's
girlfriend could steal my job."
(We're glad you're not bitter.)
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Post  Admin on Thu 04 Aug 2011, 12:34 pm


Marshmallows, Anyone?



As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard and down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly we realized why: we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.

goofy by way of christian voice.
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