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An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a OPP patrol officer stopped her.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

" Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home.

" True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately.

" Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

Q. Who is more satisfied, a man with a million dollars or a man with six
children?

A. The man with six children. The man with a million dollars wants more.


Should Children Witness Childbirth?



Should a Child Witness Childbirth? (Here's your answer.)
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and patted him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place........spank him again!'

If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.

A Mature Woman Buying a Swim Suit The Bathing Suit (by a middle-age woman - unknown)

When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe,
by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day..

I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a stylish bathing suit!


"""You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future"""

A teen phoned her father at work for a chat on her new
cell phone.



"Sorry, Darling," he said, "I'm really busy at the
moment. I haven't got time to talk."

"Oh, this won't take long. It's just that I've got
good news and bad news."

"Look," he repeated, "I really am busy. Just give me
the good news!"

"Well," she said, "the air bag works."

"Pun in Cheek" on Parenting

It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to
educate his father.

It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come
when they'll know as little as their parents.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in
touch.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given
birth.

You can learn many things from children ... like how
much patience you have [or don't have].

Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that
teachers are grossly underpaid.

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the
volume knob also turns to the left.

There are three ways to get things done: 1) do it
yourself, 2) hire someone to do it, or 3) forbid your
kids to do it.

Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got
one.

There would be fewer problems with children if they
had to chop wood to keep the television set going.

The best thing to spend on your children is time. Cited on andychaps_the-funnies@yahoogroups.com

During a visit to the retirement home, I asked the director, "How do you determine whether or not a person should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

The Director responded “No, a normal person would pull the plug. Would you like a room with a window?”

AND

I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip.

To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza.

"Could that have been a tip?" I asked, trying not to sound accusatory.

"Yep," he replied proudly. "not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!"

On the Lighter Side

It can be a challenge keeping a straight face as a
court reporter. The following are from a book called
Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people
actually [or supposedly] said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters that
had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said
to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

* * * * * * *

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

* * * * * * *

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?

* * * * * * *

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the
next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

* * * * * * *

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old
is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

* * * * * * *

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

* * * * * * *

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

* * * * * * *

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with
male.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR HOSPITAL IS MAKING COST-SAVINGS CUTS

10. They encourage your Facebook friends to 'like' one of your surgery options

9. Rescue helicopter also does traffic reports for local radio station

8. Paper or plastic colostomy bags

7. Discount drug bins on every floor

6. Etch-a-Sketch X-Rays

5. Guy from Office Depot now stapling up surgery patients

4. Pull start heart-lung machines

3. Shaking bag of chicken bones at wound now considered a 2nd opinion

2. Nurse pull cord replaced with friend request on their Facebook page

1. Coin-Operated I.V.s

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

Pregnant Blonde
The other day my neighbor, who happens to be blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, “I have some really great news!” I said, “Great. Tell me why you're so happy.”

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, she told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, “That's great, I couldn't be happier for you!”

Then she said, “There's more.” I asked, "What do you mean there's more?" She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said... “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!!”


A college professor met his new class on the first day of school. He stood before them and gave a nice introduction to the class and about himself.

Upon completion of his monologue he looked around the room and asked his students "If any of you think you are stupid, stand up." As he looked around he saw that all of his students did not stand.

He proceeded to ask the same question again, "If anyone thinks they are stupid to please stand up."

The college professor looked around and to his surprise one tall student in the back of the room stood up. The professor asked, "Do you think you are stupid?"

The first year student replied, "No, I just didn't want you to feel alone."

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant was stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5-yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was was also me, Coach" said the centipede.

"So where the heck were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Gimme a break, Coach," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

In Sunday School one morning Little Joey raised his hand and proceeded to ask a question that had perplexed him for some time.

"Mr. Goldblatt," said little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out. According to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea,right?"

"Right."

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er, right."

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Mr. Goldblatt. "So what's your question, Joey?"

"What were all the grown-ups doing?"

O.M.G., I'm rich!
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Butt
Iron in the Arteries

And
an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth.

----
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 AM and is asked where he is going so late at night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the detrimental effects it has on the human body."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
-----
The pastor asks if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stands and walks to the podium.

She says, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Ted had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Ted must have experienced. "Ted was unable to hold me or the children," she continues, "and every move caused him terrible pain. "We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Ted's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringe and squirm uncomfortably as they imagine the horrible surgery performed on Ted. "Now," she announces in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Ted is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sigh with unified relief. The pastor rises and tentatively asks if anyone else had something to say.

A man stans up and walks slowly to the podium.

He says, "I'm Ted Smith." The entire congregation holds its breath.

"I just want to tell my loving and grateful wife that the word is STERNUM!!"

A TRIP TO COSTCO
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is *nutritionally complete* so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

------
Advice to an old guy ... an absolute heart-breaker

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...

He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"


The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."

On the Lighter Side

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is."

"This is the Internal Revenue Service calling. Can you
help us?"

"I can."

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will," said Father O'Malley.

Copyright 2011 Mike Atkinson

www.mikeysFunnies.com.

You know you're getting older when...



a.. Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
b.. You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
c.. Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
d.. Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
e.. Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
f.. You look forward to a dull evening.
g.. Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
h.. Your back goes out more than you do.
i.. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
j.. You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
k.. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
l.. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
m.. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
n.. Your back goes out but you stay home.
o.. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
p.. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
q.. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
r.. When happy hour is a nap.
s.. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
t.. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
u.. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
v.. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
w.. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
x.. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
y.. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
z.. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
aa.. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.