Share your Jokes smiles here

On the Lighter Side

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who
was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let
you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner
and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his
daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he
gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
"I'm the groom."

-- Cited on www.sermons.com

CHUCKLE
While my wife and I were shopping at a mall kiosk, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed her.

Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in?"

During a Sunday-morning worship service, a mother tried everything she could think of—including rewards, scolding’s, and threats—to get her fidgety 7-year-old to be quiet. Nothing worked. Finally, about halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered something in the little boy’s ear.

He immediately stopped fidgeting and sat quietly for the rest of the service. Afterward a friend sitting in the row behind asked the young mother what she had said to her son.

The mother smiled slyly and replied, “If you don’t be quiet, the preacher is going to lose his place, and then he’ll have to start his sermon all over again.”

…..Teddi’s Humor (redactatrix@gmail.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (www.ChristianVoicesWorldwide.net)

Medical Funnies
Taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians. Apparently, it's not just their handwriting that's bad. Editorial comments in brackets.

- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. [At least he was feeling no pain.]

- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

- On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. [Call the National Enquirer!]

- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

- Discharge status: Alive but without permission. [Some people are so rude.]

- Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year- old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

- The patient refused an autopsy. [And who could blame them?]

- The patient has no past history of suicides.

- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. [...quick call the hospital and get them.]

- The patient' s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.

- She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. [Was this an amicable split? Or a trial separation?]

- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

- She is numb from her toes down.

- The skin was moist and dry. [That's not skin; it's a moist towelette.]

- Patient was alert and unresponsive. [...not to mention forgetful.]

- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if
he can give him something for the hiccups. The
pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's
face.

"What did you do that for?" the man asks.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still
does!"

Source: Mickey's Funnies, www.mikeysFunnies.com

Heavenletter #4525 What Runs Your Motor, April 15, 2013
God said:
What matters to you? What matters most to you? Take a good look. What are your priorities? What makes you tick, beloveds?
Of course, We know that it is I Who makes you tick. I am asking this question, however, in terms of the world at large on Earth that you live in. When all is said and done, what matters the most to you? You may not have been paying attention. I ask you now to take a moment to take a look.
This is not a moral question I am asking you. I am not asking you for the best answer. I ask that simply you tell Me that which moves you. There is no right or wrong here. Just asking you what, at this moment, wins the prize for you.
Yes, of course, there are universal answers, yet I am asking what in your life rocks you? This is good to know.
Take a look. Superficial answers are welcome. You don’t have to give a deep philosophic answer. You don’t have to give an admirable answer, and your answer can lead to another answer like a bird on the wing.
If you have a hard time with this question, break it down to two simple questions. Between this and that, which would you choose? I mean the same way you would ask yourself, What color do I like most? Red or green? Between two foods, what would I choose? If I had to, which would I choose.
As your questions grow, so may your insights into what makes you tick also grow. The more specific questions and the more specific answers engendered, the more aware are you of what your deepest desires may be. Don’t feel bad. You may honestly prefer life at hand to the spiritual values. We are taking a look right now at your relative values, dear ones.
A quick answer might be love. A quick answer might be God. A quick answer might be adventure. A quick answer might be home, and so on. We’re just wanting to come closer to the heart of you. All of these answers might be true. You are not a one-celled amoeba. You may have many-shaded answers that come to the fore. Sometimes your answers come down to circumstance.
For Our purposes here, it doesn’t really matter what your answers are. It matters that you take a look, and take a look without judgment. You are a human being. Even though We are all One, I’m asking this question of your individuality. All are created equal, yet all are not the same. At this juncture, We are not asking for the best answer, the highest answer. We are looking for what seems to be what is. You may surprise yourself.
Given the question, would you rather live in a mansion or in a one-bedroom apartment, your answer might surprise you either way. And one question will lead to another. Would you rather have a Jaguar or a VW?
You may never finish the questions, and you may never finish with the answers, and yet you will be closer.
Not that you have to explain, yet, in this case, you may want to ask yourself why you’d rather have a Jaguar than a VW or vice versa. You may know why without hesitation. You may not yet be aware, or fully aware, of why this answer and not another. You may see all sides of the question, and, come to think of it, you may even do a switch. Some answers you may never get to, yet you had a nice spin.
In terms of the relative world, what runs your motor?

Permanent Link: http://www.heavenletters.org/what-runs-your-motor.html
Thank you for including this link when publishing this Heavenletter elsewhere.
Copyright © 1999-Now Heavenletters™

Bob,a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said,"You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a$20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied,"I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money...

Mother Quotes

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"

MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY' S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"

BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you-quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"

MICHELANGELO&# 39;S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON' S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"

CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you-don' t go biting off more than you can chew!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN' S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."

MARY'S MOTHER: "I' m not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It' s a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"

GOLDILOCKS&# 39; MOTHER: "I' ve got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN' S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something... ?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON&# 39;S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That&# 39;s a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."

SUPERMAN' S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

A professor - an atheist - was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no a God.

He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting"

He got down to the last couple of minutes and a BIG 240 pound football player happened to walk by the door and heard about what the professor said.

The football player walked in the classroom and in the last minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform.

The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?"

The football player replied, "God was busy. He sent me."

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten.

His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked, "Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"

Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"

"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand."

…..Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com) by way of "Christian Voices” (www.ChristianVoicesWorldwide.net)

Bear Hunting
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Australian are at a hunting camp. They each have their own bear to kill, with whatever weapons they can make. The Englishman makes a bow and arrow, and fires it between his bear's eyes.

The Scotsman, makes a spear throwing it perfectly to hit his bear between the eyes.

The Australian makes a weapon and hurls it towards his bear's eyes, but falls to the ground dead, instead of the bear.

After a while, the Englishman and Scotsman start to think the bear killed the Australian, until the Scotsman finds his body and asks the Englishman, "Why's there a boomerang in his head?

This reminded me of a song a very old one, Charlie Drake My boomerang won't come back. I just did a search and it was 1961 on a 45rpm the days of records. The days of clean fun records.
Here it is. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AyotLiqJdg

A man is lost in the Sahara Desert (don't ask me why he went out into the desert!). He used up the last of his water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling, "Mush! Mush!"

Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time -- "Mush! Mush!" Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo bundled up in furs driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes.

Thinking that it's a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it's for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, "He-elp!"

The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, "I don't know what you're doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I've been wandering around this desert for days, my water's all gone and I'm completely lost!"

The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, "YOU'RE lost?!"

My sister-in-law decided to go on a diet after a recent trip to the store with her grandson. They'd stopped in front of a pantyhose display, and, as she chose a package, he read out loud: "Q ... U ... E ... E ... N ... S ... I ... Z ... E.

Grandma!" he exclaimed, "You wear the same size as our waterbed!"

Trip to the Clinic
A client recently brought her two cats in to my husband's veterinary clinic for their annual checkup. One was a small-framed, round tiger-striped tabby, while the other was a long, sleek black cat.

She watched closely as I put each on the scale. "They weigh about the same," I told her.
"That proves it!" she exclaimed. "Black does make you look slimmer. And stripes make you look fat."

A pastor and two of his deacons are out on the river fishing in their rowboat. Twelve o'clock rolls around, and one of the deacons notices a nice spot on the bank to have lunch. He turns to the others and says, "That looks like a nice spot for lunch. What do you say we have lunch over there?"

The other deacon agrees, and so does the pastor. The deacon stands up in the boat, steps out onto the river and walks over to the bank. The pastor looks on with amazement, and thinks to himself, if his deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.

The other deacon stands up, picks up the picnic basket, steps out of the boat, and walks over to the bank and sits with the first deacon. Again, to his amazement, the pastor thinks again, if his second deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.

The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat, and sinks into the water. The first deacon turns to the second and says, "Think we should have told him where the rocks are?"

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A MISSIONARY KID WHEN.....
~ You can't answer the question, "Where are you from?"
~ You have a passport, but no driver's license.
~ You watch National Geographic specials and recognize someone.
~ You have a time zone map next to your telephone.
~ You have friends from or in 29 different countries.

~ You do your devotions in another language.
~ You are grateful for the speed and efficiency of any postal service.
~ You wince when people mispronounce foreign words.
~ You realize what a small world it is, after all.
~ After a couple of years in one spot you're ready to move again.
~ You are afraid to ask what you're eating, but munch away with a smile on your face.

Read Bro.Larry' s amazing story of his winding road to redemption:
http://www.thelarry mullinaxministri es.com

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in peace." The owner was frustrated and called the florist to complain.


After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how frustrated he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting frustrated, you should imagine this - somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location.'"

…..Mikey's Funnies (funnies-owner@lists.MikeysFunnies.com) by way of "Christian Voices” (www.ChristianVoicesWorldwide.net)

PARROTS AND PRIORITIES



The story is told of a woman who bought a parrot to keep her company, but she returned it the next day. "This bird doesn't talk," she told the owner.



"Does he have a mirror in his cage?" he asked. "Parrots love mirrors. They see their reflection and start a conversation." The woman bought a mirror and left.



The next day she returned; the bird still wasn't talking. "How about a ladder? Parrots love ladders. A happy parrot is a talkative parrot." The woman bought a ladder and left.



But the next day, she was back. "Does your parrot have a swing? No? Well, that's the problem. Once he starts swinging, he'll talk up a storm." The woman reluctantly bought a swing and left.



When she walked into the store the next day, her countenance had changed. "The parrot died," she said. The pet store owner was shocked.



"I'm so sorry. Tell me, did he ever say anything?" he asked.



"Yes, right before he died," the woman replied. "In a weak voice, he asked me, 'Don't they sell any food at that pet store?'"

Little Johnny was left to fix lunch.
When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea.

The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch.

"Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" Johnny's mother asked.

"I couldn't find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter," he replied.

His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added:

"Don' t get excited, Ma, I used the old one!"

HUMOR
Not Dead
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Gene replied, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Don answered, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

…..Docs Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of "Christian Voices” (www.ChristianVoicesWorldwide.net

A Senior on a Moped

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,
'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO.
It cost half a million dollars! '

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'

Just then the light changes,
So the doctor decides to show
The old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds
The speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !

Something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator
And takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him,
He sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas
And passes the Moped at 275 mph
And he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy.
He floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers,


'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'.

On the Lighter Side

An elderly man is stopped by the police at 2:00 a.m.
and asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I am on my way to hear a lecture
about alcohol abuse and the effects on the human body,
as well as smoking and staying out late."

The office then asked, "Really? And who is giving this
lecture at this time of night?

"That would be my wife," the man replied.

A little seven-year-old boy prayed one night before bed
for God to give him a baby sister.

When he awakened the next morning, the youngster found
that there was no baby. Undaunted, he prayed a second
time for the same thing. Still no baby.

Some months later, the boy and his father made a trip
to the local hospital. When the two of them arrived,
they stepped into a room in the maternity section and
found the boy's mother holding a precious baby sister
in her right arm, and yet another baby sister in her
left!

The proud father looked down into the eyes of his
son and said, "Now, aren't you glad you prayed?" To
which the little boy responded, "Yes, and aren't you
glad I stopped when I did?"

- Cited on KneEmail, http://www.oakhillcoc.org.

SOME CHRISTMAS GROANERS
a.. What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
Answer: It's Christmas, Eve!
a.. What did the big angel say to the little angel on Christmas Eve?
Answer: Halo there!
a.. If Santa Claus is crossed with a detective then you would get what?
Answer: Santa Clues!
a.. A snowman loses weight in what way?
Answer: He waits for the weather to get warmer!
a.. What is the snowmanâ€s breakfast?
Answer: Frosted flakes!
a.. What is said by one snowman to the other snowman?
Answer: Can you smell carrot?

a.. .How do you know that Santa is a man?
Answer: No woman wears the same attire every year.
a.. What monkeys sing on Christmas Eve in concert?
Answer: Jungle Bells, Jungle bells!
a.. What a big candle says to a small candle on a Christmas Eve?
Answer: I am going out for dinner tonight.
a.. What snowmen wear on the Christmas Eve?
:rendeer:Answer: Ice caps

An old CHUCKLE
:rendeer:There was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red.
He stood looking out the windows of his palace one day while his
wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her
and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!" Without even
looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It
must be sleeting." The Czar shook his head and said, "I am the
Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

On the Lighter Side

To celebrate my birthday, my husband and I dressed up
for an evening at the theatre. We left our Manhattan
apartment to take the bus downtown, but we didn't have
exact change, so my husband ducked into a store to
break a few dollars.

As I waited, I was approached by a panhandler. He held
out his tin cup and said, "Lady, can you spare some
change?"

"No," I answered. "I'm actually waiting to get some
right now."

Looking at me with surprise, he leaned forward
confidentially and said, "You gotta get a cup."
-- Cited on Andychaps_the-funnies@yahoogroups.com