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October 18, 2017

HUMOR

WEDDING

A five-year-old boy was in church with his parents, witnessing the wedding of a family friend.

"Mommy," he whispered, "why does the lady wear white?"

His mother smiled and whispered back, "Because she is very happy to be getting married."

The little boy thought for a moment, then replied, "So why does the man wear black?"

CHILDREN’S LETTERS TO PASTOR

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete.

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every week he gives us a sermon about something. Robert.

Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty.

Dear Pastor, please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health was more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor.

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) and “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

One for the men careful what you wish for!
A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said,” I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, “I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.


GROANER:
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky.

When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks,

"Where is everybody?"

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown
paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," answered the bartender.


AND

THE JERK
A man was in a hurry to meet his friend down at the nearby lake. On the way down there, he was stopped by a man fully dressed in red. The man pulled over, and the red man asked, "Hi, I'm the red jerk of the highway. Have anything to eat?" The man smiled and handed him a sandwich. He continued down the highway and was yet again pulled over by a man fully dressed in green. He stopped and the guy in green said, "Hi, I'm the green jerk of the highway. Have anything to drink?" Without smiling, the man handed the green guy his coke. He started off again and started to speed down the highway. Yet again he was stopped by a guy fully dressed in blue. Sighing, he pulled over and pulled down his window, leant out and said, "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway. What do you want?" "Registration and license please" came the reply

GROANER TIME AGAIN
A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes quit the police force and bought a farm.

"What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the police chief asked the farmer-to-be.

"Carrots and potatoes," the man replied.

"Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief.

"Because," answered the ex-detective, "I've always been fond of undercover crops."

UNBELIEVABLE
These test answers were allegedly submitted by grammar school teachers around the country. I don't think you can make them up!!

* One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.


* Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil.

* Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

* Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.

* It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.

* Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name.

* The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East, and the sun sets in the West.

A man and woman were married for many years.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
Then one evening, he died when he was 98.
After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked,
"Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of
the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...
And I know he won't ask for directions."

OUT OF ORDER

My goal for 2017 was to lose just 10 pounds... Only 15 to go.

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomato sauce. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza for dinner.

How to prepare Tofu:
Throw it in the trash.
Grill some Meat.

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

I don't mean to brag but... I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel, then walk 9 feet through shag carpet back to my couch.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented... I forgot where I was going with this.

I love being over 65. I learn something new every day... and forget 5 others.

A thief broke into my house last night... He started searching for money... so I woke up and searched with him.

I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

…..Tim’s Inspiration (timlevin@gmail.com) by of “Christian Voices”
(christianvoices@att.net)

HUMOR

ANSWERING MACHINE

As a woman in the Marines, I often don't feel as feminine as when I had a civilian job in which I wore dresses and left my hair down.

One day I was feeling especially depressed about this and couldn't wait to get home and change. When I arrived, I found that my friend and her 18-month-old daughter had been waiting for me.

My friend is married to a Marine, and my worries about appearing less than feminine only increased when her little girl glanced up at me and yelled happily, "Daddy's home!"

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of Christian Voices (christianvoices@att.net)

August 10, 2017
 
HUMOR
 
       ANSWERING MACHINE
                                                                                                                                                                                               
My husband Joe is a police officer in a small town. He receives many phone calls at home about his work and decided to get an answering machine to screen them, especially the threatening or harassing ones.
 
This is the greeting he prepared: "You have reached the home of a police officer. You have the right to remain silent. If you wish to give up this right, leave your message after the beep. Anything you say can, and probably will, be held against you."
 
The phone calls became much friendlier.
 
…..from Da Mouse Tracks by way of Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) and “Christian Voices”  (christianvoices@att.net)

“CHRISTIAN  VOICES”
May 31, 2017
HUMOR
Name
My daughter had a friend over for dinner and although his name is Jason, for some reason I kept calling him John. Both he and Marie would correct me. 
 
Finally I said: "I'll make an association. I'll take the son from Jason and think of you as a son from now on."
 
"That's great!" Jason exclaimed. "Can I borrow the keys to the car, Dad?"
 
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

April 5, 2017


HUMOR

"Teacher," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."

"What's that Joey?" asked the Sunday school teacher.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed the teacher. "So what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin'?"

…..Mikey’s Funnies (http://www.mikeysfunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR
Coffee Mishap

The chef of the upscale restaurant I manage collided with a waiter one day and spilled coffee all over our computer. The liquid poured into the processing unit and resulted in some dramatic crackling and popping sounds.

After sopping up the mess, we gathered around the terminal as the computer was turned back on again.

"Please let it work," pleaded the guilt-ridden waiter.

A waitress replied, "Should be faster than ever. That was a double espresso."

February 22, 2017

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and
three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a
small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do the second week.

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

…..Copyright 2014 Mike Atkinson (www.mikeysFunnies.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR

Prettier

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella.

Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful."

The boy looked up, "Really?" "Of course," said the grandmother. "Why just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR

Report on Viet Nam War

Even though she's been teaching English for 25 years, my mother never felt her age was an issue, until the day she helped a student with a report on the Vietnam War. Mom recognized the name of a war correspondent mentioned in the textbook and blurted, "I used to go out with him!"

Peering up from his work, another wide-eyed student asked, "You dated someone from our history book?" …..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (pkaine@roadrunner.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

December 21, 2016

HUMOR

Boots

There was a little boy in Kindergarten. He cried, so the teacher asked him what was wrong.

He sobbed "I can't find my boots."

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots.

"Are these yours?"

"No, they're not mine" the boy shook his head.

The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots.

Finally, the teacher gave up "Are you SURE those boots are not yours?"

"I'm sure" the boy sobbed "mine had snow on them

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

HUMOR

Elderly Banking.................PRICELESS!!

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 82-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password
will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention
of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client.

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR

Gum

Aboard a flight from L.A. to New York, Grandma Esther was taking her very first flight. They had only been aloft a few minutes when the elderly lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.

The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.

When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess. "The chewing gum worked fine," she said, "but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)

HUMOR
 
Bar Competition
 
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. 

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet".
 
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. 

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The man replied "I work for the IRS."

HUMOR
 
Bar Competition
 
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. 

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet".
 
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. 

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The man replied "I work for the IRS."

DO You Know Your Hymns?   
Dentist's Hymn ......................Crown Him with  Many Crowns 
Weatherman's Hymn..............There Shall Be Showers of  Blessings 
Contractor's Hymn…..............The Church is One Foundation 
The Tailor's Hymn..................Holy, Holy, Holy 
The Golfer's Hymn.................There's a Green Hill Far  Away 
The  Politician's Hymn……....Standing on the  Promises! 
Optometrist's Hymn...............Open My Eyes That I Might  See 
The IRS Agent's Hymn..........I Surrender All 
The Gossip's Hymn...............Pass It On 
The Electrician's Hymn..........Send The Light 
The Shopper's Hymn.............Sweet Bye and Bye  
The Realtor's Hymn...............I've Got a Mansion Just Over the Hilltop  
Massage Therapists Hymn...He Touched Me 
The Doctor's  Hymn..............The Great Physician  
 
AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns: 
 
55 mph .................... God Will Take Care of You 
75 mph .................... Nearer My God To Thee 
85 mph .................... This World Is Not My Home 
95 mph .................... Lord, I'm Coming Home 
100 mph .................. Precious Memories
 
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net) 

October 19, 2016
 
HUMOR
 
Labels
 
I have my own system for labeling homemade freezer meals. Forget calling them "Veal Parmigiana" or "Turkey Loaf" or "Beef Pot Pie." 
 
If you look in my freezer you'll see "Whatever", "Anything", "I Don't Know", and, my favorite, "Food". That way when I ask my husband what he wants for dinner, I'm certain to have what he wants." 
 
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

Tea Time
 
Little Johnny was left to fix lunch.
 
When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea.
 
The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch.
 
"Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" Johnny's mother asked.
 
"I couldn't find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter," he replied.
 
His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added:
 
"Don't get excited, Ma, I used the old one!”

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

. On the Lighter Side

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was
shocked when he found it would cost $50 an hour to rent
a boat on the Sea of Galilee.

"Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been
more than $20."

"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you
have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is
water on which our Lord Himself walked."

"Well," said the Scotsman, "at $50 an hour for a boat,
it's no wonder He walked." 

-- Mikey's Funnies, www.mikeysfunnies.com

CHRISTIAN VOICES”   †
September 21, 2016
 
HUMOR
 
Dress
 
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.
  
"How could you do this!" he exclaimed.
 
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on.  It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'You look great in that dress. You should buy it.'" 

"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, 'Get behind me, Satan!'" 

"I did," replied his wife. "But then, he said, 'It looks great from back here, too!'" 

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

August 31, 2016
 
HUMOR
 
Report on Viet Nam War
 
Even though she's been teaching English for 25 years, my mother never felt her age was an issue, until the day she helped a student with a report on the Vietnam War. 

Mom recognized the name of a war correspondent mentioned in the textbook and blurted, "I used to go out with him!"

Peering up from his work, another wide-eyed student asked, "You dated someone from our history book?"
 
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (christianvoices@att.net)

August 24, 2016
 
 
HUMOR
 
Psychiatrist vs. Bartender
 
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.  So I went to a shrink and told him: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
 
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. " Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
 
"How much do you charge?"
 
"One hundred fifty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
 
"I'll sleep on it," I said.
 
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
 
"Well, one hundred fifty dollars a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."
 
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
 
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."
 
It's always better to get a second opinion. 
 
…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net

August 10, 2016

HUMOR
Choking
 
A father walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat.
He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
 
A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man takes hold of the kid and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand. The man then walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
 
As soon as he is sure that his son was fine, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the thanks. As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question. "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?" 

"No" the man replies, "I work for the income tax department, getting people to cough it up is my business." 

…..Doc’s Daily Chuckle, (docsdailychuckle@associate.com) by way of  “Christian Voices” (ChristianVoices@att.net)